It's MY Email Address and NO You Can't Use It!

What would you do if you kept getting emails from companies that think you are their customer? It appears that someone keeps entering MY email address in her personal info pages with her online accounts, so I keep getting her notifications.

I get her auto-pay notices and advertisements from her internet company, her satellite dish company, her cell phone company, and also her bank!

As an unwilling recipient of these emails, I know WAY too much about her, down to the pay per view movies she has ordered...

I can click the emails as spam, but I still seem to get them. I can reply to the email and ask them to remove me, but usually the emails don't go through at all or get a reply. (Obviously!)

I tried calling their customer service and letting them know. I requested that they remove my email from her account info, but they refused, as I am not the account holder. (Grrrrr!)

But I am the EMAIL ADDRESS HOLDER -- not HER!!!!!!

Finally, it dawned on me (after MONTHS of this!) that I do have power to fix this.

When you go to the login page of a website, you enter your email address and password. If you don't know your password, they email it to you. Well, they email it to ME!

So, I reset her password and got into one of her accounts to try to remove my address.

SCORE!

While I was in there, I poked around and got her phone number and address. I called to see if I could find out why she's doing this and ask her to remove my address from the rest of her accounts as well as not enter it in any of her other accounts anymore.

She hasn't called me back.

Sure, the message I left was literally just my name and number and a request to call me back. Maybe I should list her specific account numbers in my next message to see if she takes me a little more seriously and calls me back. That would get MY attention.

Done.

My father.

I'm so done!

He moved his mom down here to die about a month ago. She died sooner than was expected -- this past Sunday.

I called him as soon as I heard and he informed me that my brother was there and it was not necessary for me to come. (My brother doesn't speak to me and is very uncomfortable if I'm around.) Turns out, that day my brother took my dad over to our cousin's house and they cooked some traditional family food together, so that was good.

Monday I called my dad again to see how he was doing, to let him know I was still standing by, and that I was ready to help wherever needed. He said he was still waiting to figure things out -- or for someone else to figure it out for him. I offered to help again, telling him that I am good in these types of situations, and he basically gave me the brush off, so I left him alone at that point to a certain extent. I wasn't going to take that day off work just to go over to my grandmother's apartment and watch him stare at things. And every time in the last month or so that I've asked him if we should do this or that or whatever, his response is, "We'll cross that bridge when we get to it," or something along those lines.

Tuesday I tried to get over myself and sent him a text asking if he wanted to have dinner together. I was thinking it would be nice to get together away from the whole situation.

He didn't reply. This is the guy that has had his stupid new bl.ueto.oth stuck in his ear for the last couple of weeks no matter what he's doing. I swear to God, he must sleep with it in his ear! And he couldn't be bothered to reply to my text.

Wednesday I still didn't hear from him.

Guess what happened on Thursday?

Nothing.

Today -- Friday -- he sent me a text asking when a good time to call would be. I replied with "Now is fine." He called (~1:30 pm) and after asking ME when we can get together and talk, he basically told me he would call me LATER.

?????????

I don't know where he was at the time, but he said he first had to go to her apartment and then get back, so we'd get together and talk after that. It sounded almost like he thought he would be done before I got off work. He said he'd "call me first."

I understand that as, "Don't call me. I'll call you."

So, I hurry home to take care of things so that when he calls, I'm free to get together and whatever...

I got off at 4 pm and by 6:30 pm, I was fed up. (As if waiting for a reply since TUESDAY after being blown off since SUNDAY wasn't bad enough!)

I was cooking dinner for Abby and on the phone with my mom when finally he called.

Guess what?

He wanted to know if maybe we could get together on Saturday...

Really?

Really?

I rattled off a list of things I have planned for tomorrow all the way from 9:30 am until well after 10 pm, and you know what he said?

"We'll play it by ear."

Are you fucking kidding me?????????

We'll play it by ear.
Everything is good time.
We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Well, Dad, your daughter is absolutely fed up and done with you.

How do you like that bridge?

Placebo?

Is it the meds or is it just me?

I have taken exactly 4 pills so far and I feel different. It's too soon, isn't it?

In the morning, when I wake up, I am AWAKE. For those of you that know me, this is HUGE! This alone could be life changing!

I have no idea if this is even supposed to happen, but 4 mornings in a row, I have been pretty much awake as soon as (or, if you can imagine, BEFORE) the first alarm goes off.

SO WEIRD!!!!

Another thing about today was that something that normally sets me off had no effect on me at all. I could practically hear the sugar in my voice while dealing with a normally difficult situation, and it was spooky!

So is this a good thing, or am I on my way to Stepford Wife?

Another person told me that while I was dealing with some unforeseen difficulties today that she would have snapped and started yelling (or something to that extent) but get this -- I had to stop and think about what she was referring to. I was not even mildly peeved! Normally I'm always irate and the first to notice when something is irritating.

So far I'm only on half a dose and I like how the last few days have been. I'll continue, but I wonder what the next step will bring. Will the increased dose be better for me? Or is this current dose "just right?"

All I know is that for the last few days, I can't remember wanting to (or actually) shouting "WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!" which, for me, up until this weekend, was at LEAST a daily occurrence. And that's saying a LOT considering the mess that has presented itself to me since my paternal grandmother died Sunday.

Final Nail in the Coffin

Who would have thought that something so bad would be so good?

This weekend Marti and I had some issues to sort out, and in the process, I realized that I am 100% done even thinking about babies now.

I love him. I love our little girl. I do not want to risk what we already have.

There is already a strain on our relationship because of the little time we get to spend together. Another 5 years of pregnancy/baby/toddler to get back up to speed where we are now would be catastrophic to our relationship. At least that is what I think.

So, I have moved past the "we're done trying, but I suppose if there's an accident, I guess that would be ok" stage to "we're done, and are you going to get a vasectomy, or what?" stage.

It's funny watching my own thought process in getting to where I need to be. I know were I want to be, and on any given day, I can tell where I am. Usually they are not the same. I am pretty darn close to where I need to be now.

There has been a lot that has brought me to this point. It has not been easy. Who knows if it will even last through the week. ;) But for now, I think I am at peace knowing it is the best decision for my family to give it up 100%. As much as I'd like Abby to have a sibling, I am more committed to keeping her WONDERFUL father in her home and in her life. < for those that know me/my own family situation, snide cross reference is fully intended >

I want to try taking the medicine for my depression again now that there will be no risk to a baby. I will wait for the weekend after Thanksgiving and see how that goes. Last time was a fiasco, but understandably so. This time I will make sure I take the right dose, make sure I take it on a day I don't have to be at work, and as an added bonus, I'll avoid taking it for the first time on a holiday when I have family to entertain. Woo hoo! Sounds like a great plan, right?

My hopes are that it makes me less susceptible to the irritation I have been feeling at every.little.thing lately, yet still able to feel NORMAL. I don't want to feel numb. I'd rather be a bitch than a lump.

We'll see how that goes. For now, I just hope this sense of resolve is real and not fleeting.

Family - you gotta love 'em!

Father and Grandmother: Arrived Sunday night without warning. Since then, just vague texts and nothing even resembling a plan or invitation to come see them. I can’t call Grandmother, as she doesn’t have a cell phone, and I refused to call my father until he showed a smidgen of social normalcy.

Grandmother: Wednesday morning – difficulty breathing

Me: Wednesday, 11:14 am – receive text from father informing me grandmother was in hospital. Finally sick of waiting for my father to let me know if it’s ok to come visit her, I go to hospital at lunch to see grandmother for first time in 15 years.

Father: Before I even sit down after entering the room, asks me if I’m “carrying a little one.”

Me: “Fuck you very much, no. You don’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant! What were you thinking???” Lovely timing, on top of completely clueless. I refrained from saying, “Had you been even remotely involved or interested in my life during the last (4) decade(s), you would know how incredibly insensitive that was to say,” and said only, “I’m sure it’s the lingering effects of the 4 pregnancies.” < awkward silence as he does the math and realizes he has only one grandchild >

Moving On

Just Waiting for the Fat Lady

There should be a sound effect with this crash!

So, now what?

It's been over before, but with hope of me talking Marti into trying again. Now that I'm done, NOW WHAT????

Setting the Stage for a FANTASTIC Day!

Those of you familiar with charting basal body temperature know what this means. When I wake up tomorrow, I'm probably going to have a little visitor.

In the past, I wasn't the type to get cranky around the time of my period, but as I've gotten older, I certainly notice that I do now!

So, the cranky thing is already starting.

If I get my period tomorrow, I'm also going to (OBVIOUSLY) not be pregnant, which brings a whole new level of bad mood to the equation.

I also convinced myself that I'm done trying, so this month will be an especially emotional failure, I'm sure.

Oh, and then there's my dad. The biological one.

For nearly a month now, he's been up in Northern California talking about moving my 90 year old grandmother down here to live closer to my family. (Curious that she's not moving into her own SON'S town - her old home town, but whatever.)

A week ago, he still hadn't made ONE phone call to the place she wishes to live. I hadn't heard anything from them for well over a week now and never did hear any definite plans as to when he was actually hitting the road.

Tonight I got a message from him that they have crossed the Colorado River and they are staying in Quartzite tonight. I should expect a daytime arrival tomorrow.

What.

The.

FUCK!?!?!?!?!?

The man never ceases to amaze me. Is there a normal person on this planet that wouldn't call to say they were leaving and let family know ROUGHLY when to expect them?

The fact that he lives in Los Angeles and is sleeping in Quartzite tonight also tells me that he probably expected to finish the trip tonight! Who drives from LA to Quartzite (presumably after at least 2 days of "taking the scenic route" from Eureka to LA) to spend the night when the ENTIRE trip from LA to PHX is only 6 hours? He had to have made the decision to drive through LA and make it to Phoenix earlier in the day and then realized half way here that he just couldn't make it. I mean, he doesn't have any money, so why would he take on the added expense of a night in a hotel if he didn't have to? And Quartzite, for God's sake!!!!

So, unless I'm mistaken, he was going to show up unannounced, for all intents and purposes. (*see footnote)

What a complete fucking asshole!

Soooooooo, I will go to work as usual tomorrow, pick Abby up when I get off, and then be obligated to drive out to see them, unfortunately but hopefully, on the other side of town where her assisted care facility is. That is, IF he made those arrangements and she actually HAS a place to stay when they arrive.

And where is he staying if she does have a place? Is he staying with her?????? He sure the fuck isn't staying in my house!

Oh, what a joyous day tomorrow is going to be. I'm absolutely disgusted and I haven't even seen him yet. Things don't usually get better once I hear him start speaking. He's just "one of those guys" that has that effect.

Where's my rewind button? I am going to need it tomorrow!!!!

(*footnote)
Turns out he PLANNED on crashing in Quartzite, but instead, powered through to Phoenix and arrived supposedly around 9pm. He officially gave no notice that they were coming.

Yes, I did get a message that was time stamped around 7:30 pm saying he was staying on the CA/AZ border for the night, but he didn't stay there! He kept going and arrived that same night. No notice. No head up. No common courtesy. No consideration.

What.
A.
Tool!

No. Really. Seriously?

Quit faking, stupid chart.

Nine negative pregnancy tests, and my temp is still not falling. It started to fall, right on schedule, but then changed its mind. Brutal. End it already! Just get it over with!

More on That Later...

It was quite a while ago when I said I'd post something I was thinking about, and I just realized I'm sitting here with free time on my hands and I still haven't posted it.

Here's the scoop. I once tried to join a book club. I missed the first book, but read it anyway - after the fact. Then I read the next one, but just HATED it so much that I couldn't bear to think about meeting a bunch of people for the first time and being so negative!

However; there was one part of the book that I loved.

The book was the perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky. The book was mostly tedious to me, as it was written from a teen's point of view IN A TEEN'S VOICE! It was like reading a C student's journal. Brutal!

The part I did love was not until the end. And it hit me like a wall. All the time I was reading the book, I was hating it. Yet, when I hit this part of the book, I was humbled. It made such sense to me.

"I think that if I ever have kids, and they are upset, I won't tell them that people are starving in China or anything like that because it wouldn't change the fact that they were upset. And if somebody else has it much worse, that doesn't really change the fact that you have what you have. Good and bad. Just like what my sister said when I had been in the hospital for a while. She said that she was really worried about going to college, and considering what I was going through, she felt really dumb about it. But I don't know why she would feel dumb. I'd be worried, too. And, really, I don't think I have it any better or worse that she does. I don't know. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Like Sam said. Because it's okay to feel things. And be who you are about them."

So, that's the part I took to heart.

How many times have you been worried or upset about something and then heard a friend tell you about something they were upset about? Does one need to be worse than the other? Is only one person allowed to be upset at that point? Is it insensitive for the one who was slighted LESS to feel upset even when they know their friend has been dealt a worse hand?

I say NO!

The two events/situations are independent of each other and deserve separate feelings.

Perspective is good, but I don't think people should feel like they are not entitled to their own feelings just because they know their friends/family have had it worse.

It's an awkward situation when one finds new love just as another is dumped from a seemingly loving and secure relationship. But should the dating friend not feel joyful for herself? No. Sensitivity is called for, but the new love IS happening and should not be hidden.

It pains me to see women shy away from sharing such wonderful news of a new love or a long awaited pregnancy because she has friends that are not experiencing the same things with her.

I understand not gushing over every loving glance, or every little symptom or kick. But to hide these things entirely?

I can't speak from every perspective, but only from my own. As I have made my way through this struggle to build a family, I have occasionally felt a twinge of envy when I hear the good news of others. But, that twinge is dwarfed considerably by the joy that I feel when I hear how happy my friends are!

The pain I may feel on any given day is not lessened by the joy I feel for my friends, nor is the joy I feel lessened by the pain I have felt.

So, if I'm going to feel my own pain - no matter what - why would I not WELCOME the good news of others into my life? The good news of others may not dull the pain, but it enriches the soul.

At this point in my life, I welcome all the good news I can find.

Roller Coaster Ride, Anyone?

Looks like I'm in for a little tiny one. Today my temp is back up just a smidge, so it's not dropping like a rock like I thought it was going to do. Does this mean there is still hope after all this month? (Don't answer - that's rhetorical!)

I am very aware it's probably going to keep dropping after this, but it's still nice to think - even for one more day before giving up - that there could be a baby in the making.

Creme de la Creme

The Best of the Adoption/Loss/Infertility Blogs of 2009

Time to submit your links for the Creme de la Creme for 2009!

I feel a little like a fish out of water doing so, but what the heck! I did it! I don't think anyone else would have chosen the post I did, but I chose it for reasons that are not so obvious. It will be interesting to see what, if anything, anyone else sees in it.

Can't wait to see everyone on the list in January!

Towel Cocked and Ready to Throw

I'm a couple of days away from throwing in the towel. I know what's coming. It sucks, but it is what it is, and I'm more prepared to deal with it now than I was before. I'm eternally thankful that Marti at least agreed to try again for a little while so I could have better closure.

As it is, my temp is tanking, so it's just a matter of time.

I was hoping for better results after the cl.om.id this month, but, alas, that didn't help. And now I'm 41. A tired 41 - not a young, spry, energetic 41. I originally wanted to try through the end of the year or more, but I really think this should be it.

Now it's going to be time to get on with our life how we are today. Family of three. Looking back now, it's amazing that we even crossed over from the two of us to the three of us. How lucky we really are! All the early losses, and now not getting pregnant at all -- HOW did we ever end up with Abby?

The nagging question now is -- do we prevent now?!?!?! How do I go from desperately trying one month, to preventing the next? I don't know how to wrap my head around that yet.

Once I get a grip on that, I think it will be time to start purging all the baby gear and clothes. That's going to be hard, because it takes actually DOING something instead of NOT doing something. I don't think I'm going to be ready to let go of all our THINGS yet. Weird, huh? I am starting to let go of the dreams, but not the things.

What's wrong with me? ;)

OW OW OW OW OW OW!!!!!!!!!!

I am having some pretty intense cramps for "no reason" today and especially last night. This same thing happened in the past when I was pregnant! Do you think it could be true?

It's way too soon to test today, but I'm running hopeful this week until I can test.

Creative Incentive

Those of you that know me well, know that it drives me INSANE when my husband doesn't close things. On his list of things to work on right now is specifically closing the doors on the laundry "room." He's not doing so well with that.

I don't like them open because they are bifold doors and they stick out into the hall, so it interrupts my walking path. I'm not a believer in feng shui, but I think not having an uninterrupted flow of traffic in a home definitely adds to the subconscious irritation factor, so in a sense, there is something to all that, I guess.

So, anyway, I asked him to work on that "task" next and he's failing miserably at that one. Usually he does better when I "task" him with something like this.

I needed a creative way to make him want to close the doors, as it is obviously something that does not irritate HIM.

I thought about a flag that hangs in the middle of the doors that would fall down when he opens it that would say "CLOSE THE DOORS!" But that would just in the way of doing the laundry, so that won't work.

I thought about writing a note on the inside fold of each door that says "close me" but I then got an even better idea. One that would really make him WANT to close the doors -- not just because I told him to.

Unpleasant words. No orders or commands or even requests. Just words he doesn't want to see or read on a regular basis. Not that he's got anything against a couple of these, but I'm sure they are just not what he wants blatantly posted on items in his home. And then there are the ones that are TRULY unpleasant. :)

I think this one will be a hit. :) Nothing says "close the door please" like "BLOODY STOOL," don't you think?

Over The Top!

I was given this award by Flying Monkeys(*) over at One Eye Open and Dreaming...

Thanks!!

(*) I'm not sure if her real name is public over there, so I'll err on the side of caution and leave it off for now.

Here are the rules for the Over The Top Award:

• USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best.
  
• Tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are 'Over the Top'!

1. Where is your cell phone? purse

2.Your hair? wet

3. Your mother? kind

4. Your father? which?

5. Your favorite food? comfort

6. Your dream last night? naked!
7. Your favorite drink? beer

8. Your dream/goal? completion

9. What room are you in?bedroom

10. Your hobby? boring

11. Your fear? dancing

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? settled

13. Where were you last night? home

14. Something that you aren’t? timid

15. Muffins? blueberry

16. Wish list item? another

17. Where did you grow up? California

18. Last thing you did? ponytail

19. What are you wearing? shirt

20. Your TV? off

21. Your pets? priceless

22. Friends? missed

23. Your life? elusive

24. Your mood? resigned

25. Missing someone? Denise

26. Vehicle? Honda

27. Something you’re not wearing? pants

28. Your favorite store? Home Depot!

29. Your favorite color? yellow

30. When was the last time you laughed? tonight

31. Last time you cried? forgot! :)

32. Your best friend? Marti

33. One place that I go to over and over? dark

34. One person who emails me regularly? Marti

35. Favorite place to eat? outside

I'm not sure who will play along, but let's see...

1. Donna at I'm not ashamed of having infertility-just pissed
2. SPM at Sassy Pants Mommy
3. Vanessa at Living Life... One Day at a Time
4. Jadis at Mom to a Pint-Sized Pinochet
5. (Jennifer - I'd tag you, but you went private, so you're mentally tagged, I guess!)
6. (Amanda - I'd tag you, but don't want you to feel obligated to post anything until you are ready!)

For Amanda

Hope you're doing well!

I was waiting in line at Disney to see Tinkerbell and ran into a woman who actually doesn't live far from me! The only reason I know this is because she was wearing this and we started talking...


Turns out she AND her sister-in-law both have it and would LOVE to conquer chiari! (Yes, they BOTH have it and they are not blood related -- how random, huh?!?!)

Anyway, I took this picture to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope you're recovering quickly!

Some Results

I got my day 3 FSH test results back and it's down to 6.7 now. That is within what this lab calls normal! (2.8 - 11.3 is normal to them.)

Does that make me hopeful? Unfortunately, no. From all that I can see, it looks like you're only as good as your worst level. So, if my levels were elevated before, then that's the number they would figure my odds on.

I still got blood drawn today for the day 10 test and we'll see how that turns out. Not that it makes a difference, but it's just nice to know a little more about where I stand.

Wonderful Post - Elsewhere

I just read this on another blog and had to share. I found it really moving.

This is Where the Wild Things Are

Those of you that have known me a long time probably know I'm not the same person I was a few years ago. This may help explain a part of that if you read all the way through. Sometimes things take their toll on us and while we want to be the same as before, we're not. We're just not.

FSH Test, Here I Come!!!

I actually made it through today without a sign of "it," so it looks like I'll be able to do the FSH test now! Woo hoo!

FSH Test hope!!!

TMI warning – it’s all girlie/cycle talk, so move along if you don’t want to read about that sort of stuff.

Quick update on the FSH test status – I just may get to do it this cycle after all! If AF can just hold out one more day, I’ll be golden!

I was originally pissed that I didn’t start on the 6th (on my average 12 DPO), because I was SURE it was going to come on a day that would make me have to skip the test this month due to our being out of town and/or test days landing on a Sunday. If I get it today, I would end up with a Sunday test as well as a Sunday test on vacation! THAT’S NO GOOD!

So, if I, by some odd miracle, get it tomorrow (16 DPO – nearly unheard of for me!) then I get my way finally! My temp is plummeting, but has not quite crossed under that coverline, so I’m thinking I just might squeak in under the wire tomorrow – and that would be fan-freakin’-tastic!!!!

I may not like the answer I get, but at least I would get SOME kind of clue as to where I stand in this thing.

FSH Test (Or is that Non-Test?)

Looks like I'm going to have to wait another cycle to take the FSH test. I may not end up with a Sunday (lab closed) test date again this cycle, but I'm almost guaranteed to end up with test dates that land me on vacation out of state on one of the test dates.

Hmph.

Or, I could end up pregnant and this would be a moot point.

What do you want to bet I'll be on vacation playing "coulda, shoulda, woulda" with the idea of finding a lab near Disney? ;)

My bet's on "C-S-W."

Disney: the happiest place on earth -- unless you're obsessing about information that one way or another continues to elude you month after month!

Too bad our foster-dog-mom/house sitter can't sit in at the lab and take care of this for me while I'm gone, too!

My Last Words to Her Were...

"Try not to get wet."

I'm not sure what I expected from a three year old, but this is what I got:


And then there was this: (off topic, but check her out being totally distracted from MY moment at hand and going on with her own thoughts -- chasing down some grackles on the lawn and shouting, "EAGLE!" at them LOL! Eagle? Really? LOL!!!!)


And while we're listing what I got, let's not forget the giggles I got while sitting on the bench just laughing at the sight of her running through the fountain fully clothed and her truly not giving a shit! It was warm, we had a towel in the car and nowhere else to go. What the heck! Why NOT let her just have fun?

Feeling Irrelevant

This weekend wasn't that bad in the grand scheme of things, but it wasn't great, either.

Saturday we went to a birthday party for our friends' son. Marti got a message while he was there asking if he wanted to come over and hang out with some other guys. He asked if I minded, and I didn't, so he went.

I didn't realize until later that I sort of did. I shouldn't, I guess, but I did. We get so little time together. I got semi-dolled up and he ran off to be with the guys. Boo! You know what though? I wanted him to. I would want to have the freedom to see my friends if something came up, so why shouldn't he be able to, also? But, I did miss him after he left.

Then Sunday mainly sucked. I did accomplish a couple of minor tasks in the back yard (fixed sprinklers and picked up what must have been a month's worth of dog poop) so I felt like the weekend wasn't a total waste (in the housekeeping department). Marti greeted me with a beer when I entered the house after my sudden (yet short) burst of motivation. I didn't even know we had any left! And OH it was hot outside, so that was one welcome beer! That was the good part of the day.

Then there were the phone calls. It was his sister's birthday, so I suggested a call. He called, put Abby on the phone, and he never put me on the phone. As it looked like he was going to close, I shouted happy birthday from across the room and, as I thought, he hung up the phone without offering me a chance to say anything. Nor did anyone on the other side ask to talk to me.

He also, on my prompt, called his grandmother in London. Guess who didn't get to talk to her and who she didn't ask to talk to this time?

Pht! Nevermind that it was my idea to call both of them. Whatever.

As the day went on, I didn't feel right in my tummy, so when Marti asked if I wanted anything specific for dinner, I kept passing. He said he felt like wings, so I said maybe a salad for me. He said had a place in mind and he'd call when he got there.

Turns out he went to a different place than what he mentioned. (I would have suggested driving elsewhere.)

Turns out he ordered me a Caesar salad THEN called me after the order was placed - still not telling me where he chose to pick up from. (I didn't want a Caesar on an upset stomach, and would have had a different salad MAYBE, but probably no salad had I known he was at this place.)

He came home (and not really his fault for not knowing Caesar was a bad choice), and I peeked at the salad. It sucked. The chicken was stuck to the lid as if it was sitting in the fridge like that all day. There were tomatoes (?) on it, a packet of "sandy" Parmesan cheese, a packet of croutons, and guess what? NO DRESSING!

So, I checked our fridge - but came up with 3 bottles of expired dressing and some Italian that would "do." Or so I thought.

I tossed the Italian all over the salad and started to eat it, but it still sucked royally. I ate the chicken and threw the entire lettuce portion away.

Then Abby was doing something that bugged me while she sat at her table, so I said something to her. She didn't even look at me, let alone respond. Again. Again.

Finally, I just looked at Marti and said I was going to bed. It was something like 7:30 pm and I was done. I went to bed and tried hard to just check out to sleepy time land.

Marti bathed Abby and read her what sounded like 50 books then put her to bed. I didn't get so much as a good night from her, let alone a hug and a kiss. She still wasn't even acknowledging my existence. (Nor was he.)

He then went on the computer and that sort of bugged me since it's in our room and it was keeping me awake. I suggested he find some football on tv and let me sleep. He followed my lead and did just that. (No hugs or kisses from him, either.)

In the morning Abby woke up and they both went downstairs for coffee/milk and some hoops in the back yard. Still no good morning or hugs or kisses.

Hello!!! I'm here!!!!! WTF????

As I was leaving for work, I popped in to Abby's violin practice with her dad and gave her a hug and kiss good bye. Marti always acts like I'm interrupting something urgent when I say good bye to them, so I guess I felt rushed and went on my way. As I got on the freeway, I realized I never gave him a hug and kiss goodbye -- just Abby. Boo, me!!!!

I sent him a message acknowledging my flub.

That night we watched TV after he got home and then went upstairs for bed. I got into bed and he got on the PC. I realized I still hadn't kissed him all day, so I got out of bed and kissed him on the cheek as he checked his scores or stocks or whatever online. Then back to bed I went.

The next morning (today) I mentioned that I thought it would be great if he didn't do violin practice right when I was leaving every morning. I wanted to explain how he makes me feel like I'm intruding when I want to kiss them good bye, but he cut me off and walked away.

I continued getting ready, then interrupted violin practice to give them each a hug and kiss good bye. He commented sarcastically that he actually got a hug and kiss good bye today.

...

Stew on it for a while at work, and then out goes the email...

Still no response to said email.

But seriously! Should I have to feel like an intruder in my own home? Should I have to pry a kiss or a hug out of my husband? We get so little time/affection as it is. Does he really need to limit it further by doing her practice at a time when he KNOWS it's at least customary to give a hug and a kiss - if not desperately needed sometimes????

Is it unnatural to shy away from someone if they treat you like an intruder?

This just isn't healthy and it makes me sad.

It Started With Glass of Cabernet

As you have already read, "it started with a glass of cabernet."

Then, there was the dribble.

It was on a red tank top, so I didn't think much of it. But, it was a NEW red tank top, so I took it to the sink to wash it.

Well, this could have gone two ways at this point: a stain story or hot steamy sex because I inadvertently went topless in an effort to avoid the stain story. If you've been a regular reader here for long, you know I don't usually get into the hot/steamy stuff, so we can all safely assume that this will be a stain story. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO sorry to disappoint!

ANYWAY... I had just put Abby to bed, so I just tossed the tank in her sink, turned on the tap and gave it a scrub. The red wine was REMARKABLY set into the red tank, so I moved on to tthe Shout. That didn't work, so next I tried detergent. (I would hate to skip the obvious, after all!)

All of a sudden, Abby shouted for help!!!!!

Oh, I put her hair in rollers tonight, and one got loose. But, you girls know that they don't just come loose. They TANGLE like bitter dejected rollers on their way out. And yes, they did!

I did my best to get them out while not turning her off to the tools of femininity and ignored the faucet that was still running over my stained red tank. I figured the little hole in the sink would let any overflow out of the sink.

I figured wrong!

I returned to the bathroom to a pool that was QUICKLY approaching the carpet and had taken over the cabinet - inside, outside, and under!

I quickly sacrificed my precious daughter's bath towels to the flood gods and sopped up what I could. As I did this, I was immediately thankful that I had JUST cleaned all the dog hair off her bathroom floor just one day prior! A wet mess is one thing. A wet hairy mess is an entirely different animal!

In the end, the stain NEVER came out, but the bathroom floor is still clean. (Just like yesterday!)

I guess I'm going to have to soak my new tank in wine tomorrow to even out the red tones. Would it be bad to ring out the shirt and drink the wine that's left over?

I kid!!!!!!!!!

Gah!!!!!! (postscript)

Perhaps a little context would be helpful. I just went back and read my last post and found it lacking perspective.

That was just a blip in time and the frustration I felt at that time was just that: at that time.

There are many other things that are worse, so to go off about such minor issues in the grand scheme of things seems a little, well, off. And I didn't explain that in my post.

Truth be told, I've reached a point where I think all I'm looking for (read: expecting) is closure. So, to hear me say "most of all" in my last post and have the peak of my frustration be about getting blood drawn or not -- THAT is where that is coming from. One would expect the "most of all" to be about not becoming pregnant or holding onto a viable pregnancy, but at this point, I'm almost done hoping. And while I can't quite say I'm OK with that, I can say I'm not crawling into a corner and crying about it anymore.

So, I guess this is part of some grand process. At least that's what I'm hoping now. I hope that (barring the obvious: pregnancy) this is part of a closure process and over time that it becomes less painful and I can let go of all the "shoulda-coulda-wouldas" in my haphazard family planning.

I guess my next post can be about one small part of a book I read. More on that later.

Gah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HOW am I not pregnant?

I know. I know. First of all, it takes more than a couple months of trying. Second of all, I’m not getting any younger. No, I’m not REALLY thinking I should absolutely be pregnant after just a couple months of hard core efforts. No, I’m not one of those that REALLY thinks 2 months is FOR.EV.ER to have been trying.

But, that doesn’t mean I have to wait 2 years to become frustrated with the process either. Besides, don’t the months and months of ME trying while he wasn’t preventing count for something? If so, we’ve been trying since mid-2007 with just a couple months off when I agreed to wait between jobs. Oh, how that sucked to prevent on purpose. Oh, what a pointless effort that probably was anyway.

MOST OF ALL, oh, MOST OF ALL, WHY did I finally win this battle with the medical professionals to get my visit covered and to find a way around paying $1000 for tests and fees, find a way to get the CCCT test done for just $50 a pop (!!!!!), only to have my lovely little visitor arrive on a FREAKIN’ FRIDAY!?!?!?!?!?!?

The lab is open on Saturdays, so having CD1 on a Thursday would have been fine. Having CD1 on a Saturday would have been fine. Either way, CD3 and CD10 would have fallen on a day that they could have drawn blood and run the tests. Nope. Stupid me gets it on a Friday – the ONE FREAKIN’ DAY OF THE WEEK that I can’t get it on if I want to do the same tests as last time and compare the results side by side.

Seriously. WHY on a Friday? Why now?

I’m so bent right now.

I know. It’s not the end of the world. We can keep trying and nothing has changed. I’m just being a whiny baby because it felt like I FINALLY got my way in this insurance fight – I finally found a workaround – and now this. It’s just one more month. I need to get over it. But I can still be pissy about it for one day, right?

Happy Day!

Today I got mail from the health insurance company I had when I went to see the R.E. and guess what?

After all that fighting just to get the doctor’s office to just SUBMIT the stupid bill, after that REALLY bad day I had because I let myself get all pissed off, after they called me back the next day to say they WOULD submit it after all on the off chance it would get paid --- it appears that the bill got paid!!!!

I thought the claim would be denied and then I’d have to fight it. After fighting it, there was a chance it was still not going to be covered. All I had to go on was that different reps told us different things on every call prior to the visit. I did write down one guy’s name and what he said exactly (“Definitely will be covered”) and that was the best I had to go on. It wasn’t even in writing, although they COULD review the recorded call if they wanted to.

But go figure! The visit was just covered without a fight with the insurance company!!!! Sure, I ended up fighting with the billing person at the office just to get her to submit it, but it appears it’s now DONE!

And, to top it off, I got a great tip on a place here that does testing without the doctor’s orders! AND, my regular doctor gave me the Rx for the pills I need for the test I want, so I’m all set there, too!

Totally unrelated, but I also have a really awesome lunch today and I’m a happy girl! My cousin and my brother made potato dumplings and I was lucky enough to get a few sent over to my house! Woo hoo! Nothing like getting your way with a side of comfort food to make a day extra sunny!

Yup, it’s the little things that make me happy. :)

Shitty End to a Shitty Day

(Bonus points to anyone that manages to read this entire thing! I just scanned my rant and I think it took SEVEN clicks to get through the entire thing!!!!!)

Preface

Yesterday Abby woke me up because she peed on the bathroom floor. She was going to go in the toilet, but got distracted by a sticker stuck to her foot.

Enter: Frustration

TMI warning. REALLY gross lady talk coming in next 2 paragraphs.

In addition to Abby's accident, I was blessed with the biggest period accident in my entire life WHILE trying to clean up Abby's mess. I tried to be inconspicuous and not scare the shit out of my daughter, so I wiped it off the bathroom floor, the door, the door frame, and the carpet, then safely placed myself down on the toilet. I planned to handle this entire fiasco by myself so I could show Marti how much one person CAN handle without calling the other spouse to help if they really try.

My plan was to sit there until Abby got out of the shower and when she went into her room to dry off, I'd scooch on over into the shower and make myself presentable again. Everything was going great until she said she had to go to the bathroom! I wasn't about to get up and there was no way I was going to have her attempt to bring her dripping wet step stool and Elmo seat all the way to my bathroom toilet. Not after the first mess she made that morning!

I was still determined to handle it myself and not drag Marti out of bed, so I told her for this emergency, she could squat in the tub and pee. I had to clean the tub anyway!

And her reply? "I have to go poo poo."

Enter: Defeat

I call to Marti to come help.

Today

I woke to hear Abby saying SOMETHING downstairs. I had no idea what she was saying, but Marti was in the bathroom, so I got up to tend to her. When I got downstairs, she was standing in front of the TV with the cable remote trying to figure it out, saying something to the extent of, "I can't make it work."

Oh, and she was standing with her legs apart, obliviously peeing through the entire interaction.

I had to check to see if I was really awake!

I got her out of her wet clothes and stood her in the tub so she could have a quick shower, informed Marti what happened, and went downstairs to clean up the pee before it followed the grout lines under the furniture.

I came back upstairs to find Abby still unshowered and Marti casually drying off from HIS shower.

Enter: Rage

I had to go pee, so I opened our toilet and find it full of TP and semi drained. Looks like someone did his business, flushed, and walked off to take a shower without another care in the world.

Enter: Exasperation

I flushed it -- and plunged it just as it was about to overflow. After some very sweet and affectionate words from me (sarcasm intended) Marti helped Abby get HER shower and I was able to move forward with my morning.

But, as I approached the shower, I noticed the floor was all wet. He likes to point the shower head as far up as it will go, so, in effect, it sprays straight at the wall completely opposite of the shower head. I have no idea why he does that. He's not a tall man. I don't know why he'd ever need the spray that high. I really don't. We've talked about this before and I just don't get it. (And he just won't stop.) I even bought a new curved shower curtain rod to try to contain the overspray, but alas, it doesn't work well. I told him someday the floor is going to rot out and the shower will fall into the kitchen, but he doesn't care. Today I told him I'm getting a new shower head that can't point anywhere but down. I don't care if he doesn't like it. I'm getting one of those gentle rain shower heads. He'd have to try hard to make a mess with one of those, right?

So, so far, we have fresh memories of waking up yesterday to a mess that was made infinitely worse by mother nature, a new mess today, a usually attentive husband/daddy that picked a bad day to drop the ball, an unfortunately timed toilet clog, and a small flood outside my shower. This was all before I even brushed my teeth!

After my shower, I went downstairs and looked at my mail. The statement for the visit to the R.E. in July had arrived and there was no payment on it from the insurance company. I'm still not phased, as this was to be expected.

I got to work and thought, my day can only get better.

Enter: Naivete

I have this customer at work. They bought something from us. Their credit card was then "compromised" and I got a chargeback on the charge. The customer gave me a new card number and I ran that. The customer never got the credit for the chargeback our bank processed! I've been beating my head against a wall trying to get a.) his bank to talk to me and b.) his bank to give him his money back. Since I'm not a card holder, his bank won't talk to me. When he calls his bank, they say call the merchant and have them process the refund. I've sent him all my paperwork with tracking numbers and what not, but he can't explain that to the bank, and they won't talk to me. I feel like we need a conference call - but technically, this customer is not the cardholder. He just works in the department that uses the card. The owner is the cardholder. Owners of companies are busy people. So, I continue to bang my head against a brick wall in hopes of getting this guy his money back.

Later, I called my insurance company and started the process to dispute them not covering my doctor consultation. I told the representative that I was told to "absolutely have the consultation" and that it would "definitely be covered." The problem is, the woman who does the billing for the R.E. never submitted my claim!

Enter: Confusion

I called the doctor's office and was told that since they checked with my insurance company before my visit and they were told (and relayed to me) that my policy had a total exclusion on infertility coverage, that she didn't bother submitting it. She said it wouldn't be covered anyway, but if I could show her in writing what my dispute with the insurance company was, she'd submit it - otherwise she wasn't going to waste her time.

Enter: My boss to the locker room where I was trying to speak in private, as well as 2 other employees. Nice. Right when I'd like to go completely OFF on this dipshit on the phone, I have to keep my mouth shut. You see, at work I don't care to share that we're even trying until I know if it will work. If it works, I'll share the news because THEN it would be an issue to deal with at work since I'd need leave. Until then, it's my business.

So, dipshit on the phone tells me "I'm not going to waste my time submitting it" and tells me that I'm welcome to submit it myself. She tells me my insurance isn't going to cover it. I snap back that it's NOT her decision to make whether or not to submit the claim when I was told one thing and she was told another.

Whatever. I pretty much hung up on her after a short, "Ihavetogobye."

Day goes on. I take a long lunch and some retail therapy. Found a great deal on some things.

I go back to work, yada yada yada, and let's move on to picking Abby up from daycare. I am to discuss whether or not the 10 days vacation we just earned can be used as part of our 2 weeks notice that we're leaving for another school. Yesterday I got an "I don't know. Let me talk to Marsha." Today Marsha said our deposit is to cover the last 2 weeks and is non-refundable, so in effect, if we used the vacation time, we'd be getting paid for our vacation days. After the shit day I had, I somehow managed to calmly discuss my viewpoint with her and she said she'd get back to us tomorrow after discussing it with the owner.

Enter: Deadline to submit 2 weeks notice with a side of "stalling"

And, let's just get to the grand finale.

I got home and found my house strewn with garbage. The dog(s) went through the bathroom garbage and there was crap everywhere. That was pretty shitty, but what was even shittier was that they didn't eat the ovulation predictor tests or pregnancy tests.

Let me explain. It's not so great to go through a cycle and do all the tests alng the way, just to have it come up a bust. But, as each test is done and discarded, and then as the cycle comes to a close, it's just over.

That is, unless I come home to a huge pile of ovulation predictor tests and pregnancy tests -- then I get one more bitter reminder that I'm still not pregnant.

I am picturing Emeril Lagasse shouting "BAM!" as he tosses THAT lovely cherry on top of my shitty-assed sundae.

I Hate That I Have Become So Easily Affected

Warning: SOME vague references to female issues coming up.

When I left the R.E. last month, my next orders were to call him on day one of my next cycle. Presumably at that point, I'd go in for an ultrasound to determine if I had ovarian cysts or not (money grab) and then he'd prescribe me c.l.omid so I could do the CCCT test to determine my FSH. (An indicator of ovarian reserve and egg quality -- read: fertility of the lack thereof.)

Well, today is day one and I didn't call him.

I saw it coming a mile away. First of all, we had questionable coverage for this type of thing at work. Oh, that was as of 7/13. At that point, we had NO IF coverage, which, depending on who you asked, meant a number of different things in relation to the office visit I had just made. Exactly what does "no IF coverage" mean when the rep tells you "up to the point of diagnosis?" And what does "up to the point of diagnosis" mean when testing is not covered? What kind of doctor makes a diagnosis prior to testing? I mean, SERIOUSLY, WTF????

But, I digress.

I return to "second."

Second, with no coverage, I didn't really expect Marti to be thrilled to have us saddled with further office visits, unnecessary ultrasound test, lab fees for blood tests, and (as if we weren't already getting drained) fees just to draw the blood.

As I alluded to earlier in this post, my insurance has now changed. It was pretty well completely out of the blue. In a way it's a good thing, but, had I known they were working on this change, I would have conducted my affairs a little differently.

Now, instead of "no IF coverage" we have a good solid "up to the point of diagnosis." If I would have waited mere days to see the specialist, my $320 (mostly pointless) R.E. office visit probably would have been covered.

C'est la vie.

So, I told Marti it was day one and I needed to call or not call the R.E.

He thought "not call" was the best option.

I can't say I wasn't mad. I was. Sure, he had a point. Why not wait and see what this next cycle brings. Besides, it's not like knowing the results of the test would change our actions, would it? In the end, we'll still do what we're going to do.

But, I can't help but be a little bitter that I can't be in complete control of my own health care and know some pretty basic bits of info so that I can make my own informed decisions regarding MY OWN HEALTH. ARGH!

I take that back. I guess I CAN know the info. I would just have to shell out over $1000 in the end to GET it. Basically, 2 VERY simple blood tests is going to cost me over $1000 by the time I pay off all the gate keepers.

BUT WAIT!

I was lucky enough to have been directed to a place here in town that will do the tests without doctors' orders.

Stop the presses!!!!!!!

GTFO!

As it is, I need to see my regular OBGYN next week, so once she gets me up to date, she can give me the meds I need to do the test and then I get to get on with it.

OMFG! Be still, my heart!

Why Does My Dog Wag Her Tail...

...when I walk by her in tears?

For a Friend Who Knows What it Means

OMG I love my external hard drive!

Shortest.post.ever!

Good News and Bad News: A Shopping Story

Ulta had buy one get one on their store brand lotion today, so I went to stock up. My favorite (actually, the only one I really like) is the grapefruit scent. However, there were none on the shelf. Fearing it was discontinued -- as I did notice some new scents -- I asked for assistance. The nice girl pointed me to the clearance rack and confirmed that it was discontinued. :(

That is the bad news. I won't be able to buy my favorite scent anymore. Plus, it's fairly inexpensive, often on sale to boot, and just the right "weight" for lotion for me.

The good news is, the remaining bottles were on sale for 50% off. I was going to stock up anyway, it seemed!

The even better news was that even though it was on clearance, it still fell under the buy one get one sale! Woo hoo!!!! That was enough for me to drive around and hit every Ulta in my neighborhood. Some had it, some didn't, but, I also discovered another scent that I could live with - and for that price, I might sort of love it, too! As long as my stockpile lasts, that is.

Sorry Folks! Park's Closed. Moose Out Front Shoulda' Told Ya!

OK, admittedly, this post has nothing to do with National Lampoon's Vacation, but somehow that is the quote I thought of when my computer told me I couldn't download my pictures from my camera today.

I'm out of disk space.

Really? I mean, how many pictures and video clips does it normally take to fill up a pc? Have I really overdone it?

I have all of our pictures from 2005 until now on this thing. I think I usually take a lot of pictures, but not nearly as many as some.

Ugh. Do I really need to start saving to CDs? I LOVE to be able to just flip through folders that I have named by month and year, to see what I'm looking for. If I have to start inserting disk after disk to find what I'm looking for, I'll go mad!

And of course, this is on the night a big Shutterfly offer expires. Wouldn't you know it?

I'm going to see if there is some external drive that can hold a lot of photos and videos. Our CD drive sicks at best and our DVD drive won't even recognize disks anymore.

I guess I can add this to my list of things to do. Tonight, I just want to be able to get some pictures into Shutterfly so I can use this package deal before it expires.

The R.E. Visit

Warning - "girlie" talk. Not graphic, but it's in there. Carry on.

Well, I saw the R.E. today and learned that I have 2 things to worry about - not just one. He just told me that when I saw the first R.E. in 2004/2005, that I was probably dealing with decreased ovarian function since I was less than 40 years old. Now that I'm over 40, chances are I may also be dealing with early menopause, too. Neither help this situation and neither can really be fixed.

However, he thought I should do the CCCT test again (tests FSH) so I can see where I am today. Of course, that means taking a bit of c.lomid again, which may or may not have been what helped when I had Abby. Who knows? But this late in the game, I'll throw just about any lucky charm in my pocket in hopes that it may help.

If my FSH comes back lower than before, then I think that means I'm just dealing with wonky ovary function and I'd probably want to keep trying for a while. He said it can tend to ebb and flow depending on how one's body reacts to itself. (So, am I really my own worst enemy here or what????)

If my FSH comes back higher than before, then I can tell myself with some certainty that I can just give up and move on with the rest of my life as it is - with one child only. And you know what? That's nothing to be complaining about, right?

What I found a little shocking was that this doctor, when reading my prior results but applying them to my current age, would give someone in my situation about a 3% chance of successful pregnancy without any intervention. He flat out told me he would suggest moving on to donor eggs at this point. I think I had to look up the numbers online last time and assume that donor eggs would probably be our only option.

It may be that the last nails are going into my coffin - and I feel more ok with that than I have in the past. I have a lot to look forward to with THIS life. The one I dreamed of would have been nice, but this life is not half bad. :) I'll take it!

I feel so (relatively) good right now because I feel like I'm on the verge of actually knowing one way or another what I should do next. Either way. If I have a good idea that I would be wasting my time and efforts, it will be easier to part with the dream. I think it will probably be strangely comforting to know I can just stop, I suppose.

When I feel this sense of closure looming overhead, it's almost like I don't want the numbers to come back lower. Oh, the set of "what ifs" that would bring me! I'm thinking either way, good news or bad, we try (roughly) until 2010 starts. But if my FSH comes in around 5, then I would probably be more inclined to try HARDER! Then it would just be my age alone that would make me want to stop trying. I know Abby is still relatively young at 3 years old, but we'll still be in our early 50s when she graduates high school. I'm not sure how I feel about sneaking up on 60 as I watch another kid graduate. Being 40 with a small child, I'm tired enough as it is. What will I feel like in my 50s with a teenager? Do I really want to be 60, or close to it, with two teenagers? Looking back at how I was as a teen, I'm thinking one just may be enough.

*************************************************************

Random related-yet-unrelated thought:

When I was in college I saw a poster for a company looking for egg donors. At the time, the process sounded like a lot to take on, but what really made me NOT do it was that at that time, I did not want to get pregnant. With all the drugs they put you on to promote ovulation, they said there's a pretty big risk that you can get pregnant if you're not VERY careful. Well, that is unless you have infertility issues and just don't know it yet! I really, really, really was in no place to get pregnant at the time, so I passed.

Looking back, I wonder if I would have even been able to provide healthy eggs back then or if I would have been an unsuccessful donor after all the effort. How many dreams would have been crushed HAD I donated eggs? It wasn't THAT long before I got my own bad news, after all.

If I knew then what I know now, AND if I wasn't dealing with these issues quite yet, I wonder what I would have done differently. I wonder if I would have tried to have kids even though I wasn't ready, just so I could try to have more than the one that I am already very lucky to have now.

Suppose I knew I would have issues. Suppose I also knew my first marriage would fail. Last I checked, you can't freeze eggs like sperm -- the eggs need to be fertilized first, and then the embryos can be frozen. (Have they worked that egg thing out yet?) Anyway, SUPPOSE I decided to save some eggs while I still could. Um, need a guy to help with the saving part. So, donor sperm? Not-yet-ex sperm and work out the details later? Sympathetic friend sperm? How does one make these decisions????

There are times when I just want to know, and there are times when, I guess, I'm glad I didn't know.

Passive Aggressive Notes

I recently discovered a funny site that posts pictures of passive aggressive notes that people have left. I find it pretty funny.

I tend to leave notes around my house that could easily be interpreted as passive aggressive. There is still one on the switch for our garbage disposal that says, "Come on! You know you wanna!" because Marti tends to shove food down there and leaves it to rot. Ick!

I leave the notes, not to be a bitch, but as a way of making light of it. If I don't laugh at it (and leave notes to get it off my chest), I would probably scream at it, so I choose the lesser of two evils.

Today I noticed that Marti has been frying breakfast sausage but not cleaning up the MASSIVE splatter pattern on the stove top. I left a paper towel on the mess today hoping the grease that would soak into the towel before he saw it would make my point for me. On the paper towel I wrote, "Really gross," put the spray cleaner next to it, and left it at that.

When I got home today I could see that he tried, in his "one X, one Y" sort of way, to clean it up. However, there is still grease all over the stove. It's pretty gross.

Of course, I could just continue to "fix it" for him as I have done in the past, but is it too much to hope that a man would realize that "greasy to the touch" and "visibly splattered" are not acceptable statuses for a kitchen appliance that one has just cleaned?

So, I resorted to another passive aggressive note. It awaits his return tonight. I don't know if he sees what little humor there is in these notes, but they make me feel better somehow.

As you can see, there are rings on the paper towel where I rotated it on the burner pan that was still covered in grease. There are also small pieces of paper napkin that have soaked up some of the spatter by the knobs. It was great how he cleaned up to the bottom of the knobs and then just stopped there. It is still greasy on the knobs, between the knobs, and above the knobs. Nice. < shaking head in dismay > I was actually hoping that the napkin would STICK to the grease, but it wasn't sticky enough so I had to hold it up with the salt and pepper. Darn. Who would have ever thought a wife would be sad that her greasy mess wasn't sticky enough?

Is That the Best You Can Do?

You went to all the trouble of choosing and enrolling in a university. You are so proud that you graduated that you went out and bought a sticker with the name of your beloved university on it. You go out to your car and with your analytical, college educated mind, this is the best you can do?

Really?



For those of you that don't see it: it's not even CLOSE to being centered.

"Following" People

I was looking at my Google Reader and it gave me the option today of following people, which I think means seeing the items they choose to share.

I just clicked on all the names that came up from my email contacts, so now there's a huge list of people I'm following.

Am I a stalker now? It sounds "stalkery." But I just want to see what people share - whatever that is! I haven't "shared" something I have come across yet, so I don't know how that works. But if someone DOES share something, I guess now I get a notice to go look?

Whatever. So, if you see me on your list of followers, I'm not stalking. I just want to see how it works.

Really.

< pulling twigs and leaves from your hedges out of my hair >

And on a Lighter Note...

Why is it when I'm at work and unable to surf the internet at my heart's content, I think of a number of things I want to look up, yet when I'm at home and reach that point in the evening when I have an hour or so ALL to myself, I can't for the life of me remember one thing that I wanted to research or just look at?

It's Official - and What That Means

I mentioned to Jessica the other day that I was thinking of trying to get pregnant (REALLY, REALLY TRY) until I am 41 (October) and then give up. Maybe until the end of the year...

I ran that by Marti last night after Jess and Eugene left, and he said, "Maybe." I asked, "Maybe yes, or maybe no?" His response was nice. :) He said, "Yes, we'll try for a while" or something to that effect. It was almost as if he meant longer than the end of the year, but I can't remember the words now. I'm just not sure how much longer I want to try if it means being in my 60s when proposed kid graduates high school -- and that is if we even get pregnant or carry to term --- which, if you know me, is a BIG IF!

I've been wondering how I'm doing in the FSH area these days, and now I have a very legitimate reason to try to find out. Plus, I have a little superstitious streak that wants me to take Cl.omid one more time since I took it for the one pregnancy I carried to term - Abby! I don't really THINK I need it, but SOMETHING was different about that pregnancy and I want to try to recreate as many of the parts of it as possible in order to maximize our chances of success.

Anyway, there are so many angles to this new semi-development that I'm not sure which way to go with it.

I want to see what my FSH is so I can know what our chances are. I suppose if it's really high, it will be easier to give up when my self imposed deadline hits.

I want to see if the one time I had it checked, if it was "accurate." I just can't help but wonder. I don't mean the one test was or was not accurate on its own merits. I just wonder if maybe it varies and I got an especially high reading - or worse, if it read lower than my AVERAGE. The little bit of scientist in me thinks tests should be repeated to gauge the accuracy of the conclusion.

At any rate, it doesn't really matter THAT much what it is. I mean, they said it was high and then I got pregnant with Abby that very week! So, what of it? And if it comes back low, that still doesn't mean I'll get pregnant and carry to term either.

The thing is, I want to take the c.lomid that they give you when you take the test. MAYBE that was the magic charm that brought me Abby. Maybe not. But still, maybe. What's the harm in trying again, right?

Then there's the depression thing. I was given some meds to try, but stopped after the first day when I took too much in error. (The pills come in 2 doses and I took the higher dose first - and it didn't sit well with me.) When I mentioned it to a friend, she showed me where it says there MAY be a chance of birth defects if you take it while pregnant. Ever since then, I've been putting off trying it again since I've been sort of seeing what lack of contraception would bring us. It will be nice to hit that point where I'm done being pregnant (or trying to get that way) so that I can get on with the business of taking care of myself.

Either way, I just feel as if so much of my life right now is waiting for tomorrow that I am missing out on today. OK, OK, so I'm not totally missing it. I mean, I'm here, but just not to the degree I should be. I fret over things that I wish were just one way or the other. It's the uncertainty that drives me a little nuts. I don't know if this is true or not, but I FEEL that if I knew which way it would end up, I would be better off. Let me grieve the loss of what I always thought I'd have, or let me enjoy having it. Just get on with it, is all I ask.

TGIF - for reasons other than the obvious

WHAT a day.

For my FB friends, here's the rest of the story.

I left work and dropped by the store on my way to get Abby. I put my lunch that I never ate in my car, so when I saw a homeless guy looking at the garbage, I got the food and asked him if he was hungry. (I was parked right next to the garbage can in front of the store.)

Out of nowhere, he proceeded to cuss me out and literally threatened to "kidnap and assault" me!

DUDE!

I was trying to be nice and just trying to help.

I was shaken from it and still upset now.

It was food I was taking home to eat later, so it was nearly literally offering him the shirt off my back -- and yet he lashed out at me like that.

What gets into people to make them do things like that?

There's more about today that sucked, but that is just the delicious cherry on top. I don't even want to go on with it now.

Lions and Tigers and BEARS, OH MY!

Last week we visited my in-laws so Marti could take his dad out for Father's Day. While the boys were out doing their thing, my mother-in-law took Abby and me to the circus. We had fun and had great seats, so we saw everything up close.

When I returned to work, I somehow managed to get a free pair of tickets to the circus here in Phoenix. These tickets were in the company suite. They were not as close, but there was the added benefits of the suite that night.

The NEXT night, I took Abby BACK so she could get a toy she wanted. The first night we were there, she didn't get it and I could tell she was SO disappointed! YET, through it all, she was polite and patient and did not throw a fit of any sort! I was so proud of her! Anyway, while we were there getting her toy, we ran into a VERY desperate scalper and ended up with 10th row tickets for $5 each! WOW!

So, we were at the circus three times in less than a week! Wow.

While I was there, I remembered something from when I was a kid. We were out somewhere and there was a cage with a bear in it. I volunteered to go in. I guess I was about 5 or so? (This was in the 70s and things were VERY different!)

The goal was to hold a fig newton in my teeth and the bear was going to stand up and take it from my mouth and eat it.

Well, leave it to me to make it difficult! I kept EATING the cookie myself!

I honestly don't remember if the bear ever got a cookie from me or not. (Mom? Do you remember?) I do remember the guy trying to explain to me that I needed to put the cookie in my mouth, but NOT eat it. But hey, I loved fig newtons! :)

Dreams

It's been a long time since I've had dreams that I remember in the morning. For someone that used to wake up and be able to go back to sleep and pick up where she left off in the middle of a dream, not remembering dreams at all does not feel right.

There were a few vivid dreams after I left teaching, but those were mostly "workmares" -- you know, those nightmares that you have about your worst possible day at work. Other than 3 or 4 of those disturbing dreams I don't remember ANY over the last year or more.

As for what my teacher workmares consisted of, for your pleasure, imagine me trying to teach 100 kids in a decrepit old greenhouse with no lesson plans or even a CLUE to speak of. I am then told that space was already reserved and I attempt to herd said 100 tweens to another space that I have yet to conceive of. Only before I can do that, and while losing about half the kids to wanderlust, I am Shanghaied in the cafeteria and coerced into volunteering for a part in the faculty talent show - yet never given a script for the play. Then as I walk in to what I thought was a rehearsal, the spotlight shines on me in front of the entire school and it is time for me to say my lines -- for REAL!

You might say I have fears of not being prepared...

Anyway, I've started dreaming again!!! Good dreams; weird dreams -- you know -- JUST DREAMS!

How odd that I had stopped. I just chalked it up to things in my life changing and figured I just wasn't going to have dreams anymore. I guess it doesn't have to be that way.

What I want to know now is if I will start to get some of my old energy back. I mean, does the increase in dreaming mean I'm getting more -- or at least BETTER -- sleep? If so, one can assume I will be more rested and my energy will be begin to return to me.

AND, if my energy returns to me, maybe at least SOME of this mental fog will leave me.

One can only hope, right?

Choices

Just outside our bedroom door we have a short wall overlooking our stairs. Marti always puts his dirty work clothes there when he takes them off so they are easy to grab when he does laundry. He works in a restaurant, so they frequently smell of foods and oils from the air there.

I, too, sometimes place things there, but less frequently. I use it more for things that I just wore for an hour and may wear again before the next laundry is done.

So, if the entire shelf is open, and I place my things on one side, with the intent of wearing them again, do you think he'd put his on the other side? Nope. He puts his dirty work clothes on top of my jeans and dress. Nice.

Teacher Memories

I've always meant to write some of my favorite teacher memories as well as some of my not so favorites - for various reasons. Rather than getting bogged down by the formality of how to add all this stuff in my head, I will try to just dump it here on the blog and sort it all later.

Today I have a couple of things. I had another student request an add on FB, which is always cool - especially this long after I've been gone. I really did love those kids and it's nice to see they still think of me sometimes, too!

Second thought - as I was doing a fun little quiz on FB tonight, one of the questions was about what I'd do if I saw someone fall and look like they were going to cry.

I couldn't help but remember a little kindergartner that fell on her way to class after getting off the bus. She was all skinned up, but through the tears that she was doing a great job of fighting back, all she really cared about was getting to class on time.

I well up at the thought of it even today!

What a sweet little girl! What a strong little person! I wish I knew who she was so I could see who she becomes as she grows up. I wish I could have shared that story with her parents.

Alas, bus duty sucked, and it was all I could do to fight back my own tears on her behalf and get her to the nurse to get the blood cleaned off before school started and my own class realized I wasn't there the instant the bell rang to let them into the lab.

I have a lot of feelings about the time I spent teaching - not all of it good. However, as much as there was frustration in not having the freedom to do things in what I imagined would have been the right way, my heart still swells at the thought of the kids I had the privileged to know. There's an unconscious reaction I have when people ask me about that time - and it is just a little shake of my head, as if to say, "what a shame." I always felt I was cut out to guide and coach people to their own success, so teaching seemed a natural outlet for that. The "what a shame" part comes when I think of all the things I could have done if things would have been a little bit different.

I did return to it one time and part of the reason I want to start getting some of this out is so that I don't do it again. Like childbirth, I tend to forget the pain and just focus on the awesome treat that it is to be around all these young people. I don't want to forget the pain. To do so would be at my own emotional expense.

Renal Ultrasound

Normal. (Per phone call from Doctor's office today)

What more do I need to know?

:) What a load off!

Now I'm just waiting for the follow up appointment to see what ELSE my problem could be and what to do (or not) about it. At least it's not The C word!

There Are Good Days

I'm not going to pretend. Most nights with Abby are rough. This is mostly because she r.e.f.u.s.e.s to eat. It puts an edge on everything and adds stress to my evenings.

But that's ok. I'm learning to deal with it and take the good days when they come. The rest is like molasses off a duck's back. I know, it's supposed to be water, but it's not that easy yet. At least it's flowing in a generally downward direction, right?

Enough of my venting about and background for this situation. The point of this is not to complain. I wanted to share an incredible night!

Today I had to leave work early to pick Abby up for violin practice because Marti had somewhere he had to be for work. Her teacher said she progressed a lot even since her last lesson on Thursday and would start learning a new song on her next lesson! Wow. Just wow!!!!

After that, there wasn't enough time to go back to work, so I just took Abby home and enjoyed the time with her. She had a snack and shared some of my dinner. (It was still too early for her to eat.) Then we played with her dolls and her new Mrs. Potato Head. She loves that toy! It's one of the first things I made her work for, so I don't know if that's why she loves it so much or if she would have loved it anyway. But, she loves it --- and it makes for a fun play session!

Sunday night we were out with friends and there were roses on the tables. Leanne gave Abby one to take home and she waved the thing very conspicuously all the way out to the car. D'oh! I hope it was ok that I let her keep it! Ha ha ha!

In the car, she broke the head off the rose and apparently Marti just stuck it on the counter and put Abby to bed. (Whatever - no biggie, right?)

Well, today, Tuesday, Abby discovered the rose head and was ready to cry that it was dying. I had an amazing mom moment and turned the situation all the way around into crazy fun! I told her that was ok and she could pop the petals off to put in her bath and it would be just like a princess! OMG! She hadn't even had dinner yet, and she could not get into that bath fast enough!

I just hope I didn't create a monster with the rose petals in the bath!



Then there was the quail thing and my dog on the desk... (See post one door down)

After that, we went downstairs to make her dinner. She wanted ketchup. Um. Ok, how about scrambled eggs with ketchup? Will that do?

Yup.

Done.

I gave her a wipe and had her go outside and clean her picnic table so she could eat outside. Well really, it was so I could chill outside while she ate. ;)

Oh, did I mention she's started doing some of the cleaning now? She wipes her table and will do the baseboards for me now! Woo hooo! She's already down there, so why not, right? Ha ha! We mom's have to get creative sometimes. ;)

So anyway, we sat outside while she ate. She loves eggs, so it wasn't much of a struggle. I only had to tell her about 100 times to take a bite as opposed to the usual 1,000.

It also occurred to me that it was getting dark. We like to take a little walk to where the baby rabbits hang out, but if we didn't get going, we were going to miss them -- or at least not be able to see them if they happened to still be there.

So, I shared this with Abby and she hurried up a little and finished her dinner in a more reasonable time frame than usual.

Oh, just prior to coming downstairs, I had remarked to a friend online that I thought Abby was nearly perfect. I didn't say it out loud -- I just thought it and typed it. Well, as we're sitting in the yard, she asked me if she was perfect. Where does she come up with this? I swear she reads my mind.

Back to the bunnies.

She was already in her PJs, so I just put her in her stroller and rolled her over to see the bunnies. There were three tonight! Whoopie! AND, they did run off when they saw us (like they usually do) but then stopped and hung out under the canopy of a palo verde tree, and eventually began foraging again. It was cool to just sit quietly watching them with my little girl.

Because they seemed to be a little more comfortable with us, I decided to try to maximize that and went home to get them some carrots. From now on, I'm going to bring a few baby carrots and drop under the tree when we visit. Maybe they will begin to recognize us.

After all that, we did the bedtime routine and I watched Abby almost recite the book we were reading. She picked it out from the library last week and knows most of it already.

I got some hugs and kisses and off she went to la la land.

As I was typing this, I heard Marti's car beep, so now he's home, too.

This has been a good night!

Aaaaaaaaaaaa! What the....!?!?!?!?!?!?

OMFG! I was just sitting here enjoying some time on the computer while my little one plays at my feet. I noticed an entire family of quail (mom, dad, and 2 little peeps) on the roof next door and called Abby up to see. I stood up and held her so she could see over the monitor and the box on the desk. There is a huge mess on the desk and barely room to place a glass of water! (Shame on me! I know, I know! It's on the list of things to do.)

As I was standing there with her watching the quail, my dogs got a little fired up because they could sense the excitement in our voices as we were watching the quail.

My dog, Sydney, jumped up ONTO the desk and looked out the window! That doesn't sound remarkable, but you have to see the mess that was on the desk. Oh, and Syd is not a little dog, by any stretch of the imagination! She's a full 50 pounds!

If I wasn't so freaked out, I probably could have gotten a picture of her on the desk, but I was just grabbing things (including the box behind the box that is full of sewing notions, such as hundreds of pins and needles!!!!!) that were going to go down when she decided to dismount, that I didn't get a picture of the actual mayhem.

Imagine a small lab standing on this desk between the box and the monitor. "Where," you ask? Yes, THERE!

Overcome With Dance

She didn't get this from me. The only dance I have in me is if I have to "go" really badly and I MAY do a little "pee pee dance." There is no "boogie" in my butt.

BUT, as for Abby, she is CONSTANTLY overcome with the urge to dance. I should have seen it coming when we were out to dinner and they had loud dance music playing.

She spontaneously broke out into dance in her chair as we ate. I adore how she can just let it out. :) She's so darned cute!

OK, so it's not a clear video at all, but you have to imagine that we were just sitting there eating, and she just started groovin' in her seat. LOL! You also have to understand that this was after all the time it took me to get my cell phone out to record it. I missed the best part.

My girl. No reservations. Whatsoever.

Sleep - or Lack Thereof

I never thought I'd have trouble falling asleep. Normally, I am the one who is snoring 5 seconds after my head hits the pillow. It actually makes Marti quite angry because he has trouble falling asleep AND I snore like no female ever should.

Last night was quite the opposite, though.

I was ready to sleep, but Marti, for some unknown reason, decided he wanted to watch TV in bed. (We never watch TV in bed.) It started with an episode of House. It was the one with the kid with Autism. You know -- the one where the kid keeps screaming. Very good material to fall asleep to, if you ask me.

I'm thinking Marti was either bored with it or trying to be nice, so he switched stations and started watching Star Wars instead. It was a scene where someone was fighting with light sabers. So, in addition to annoying sci-fi sounds, there was constant flashing lights. Closing my eyes did nothing to shield them from the strobe light in my room.

Finally, I decided to use my mp3 player to try to take my head to another place. I couldn't play the usual upbeat music that I have on it, because that would defeat the purpose. I found some relaxing "background" type music with some birds and waterfalls or something, and tried that.

No dice.

I got the eye mask that I saved from a flight we took once.

No dice.

While the strobe light was removed from my eyeballs, I could still hear everything over the music in my ears. If I turned it up louder to block out the TV, it was too loud to allow me to sleep.

I was in a pickle.

Finally, Marti decided to go to sleep. And he did sleep. And snore. See, he also snores once in a while when he drinks. And he did drink last night since he allowed me to sleep in on "my day" to watch Abby, so I owed him one. I was designated driver last night.

Apparently I was also designated insomniac.

Top that with some antibiotics I'm taking (just in case - see post one door down) that make me drowsy, and I have a feeling nothing is going to get done today. At least it's a holiday and I can pretend I planned on doing nothing today.