Sorry Folks! Park's Closed. Moose Out Front Shoulda' Told Ya!

OK, admittedly, this post has nothing to do with National Lampoon's Vacation, but somehow that is the quote I thought of when my computer told me I couldn't download my pictures from my camera today.

I'm out of disk space.

Really? I mean, how many pictures and video clips does it normally take to fill up a pc? Have I really overdone it?

I have all of our pictures from 2005 until now on this thing. I think I usually take a lot of pictures, but not nearly as many as some.

Ugh. Do I really need to start saving to CDs? I LOVE to be able to just flip through folders that I have named by month and year, to see what I'm looking for. If I have to start inserting disk after disk to find what I'm looking for, I'll go mad!

And of course, this is on the night a big Shutterfly offer expires. Wouldn't you know it?

I'm going to see if there is some external drive that can hold a lot of photos and videos. Our CD drive sicks at best and our DVD drive won't even recognize disks anymore.

I guess I can add this to my list of things to do. Tonight, I just want to be able to get some pictures into Shutterfly so I can use this package deal before it expires.

The R.E. Visit

Warning - "girlie" talk. Not graphic, but it's in there. Carry on.

Well, I saw the R.E. today and learned that I have 2 things to worry about - not just one. He just told me that when I saw the first R.E. in 2004/2005, that I was probably dealing with decreased ovarian function since I was less than 40 years old. Now that I'm over 40, chances are I may also be dealing with early menopause, too. Neither help this situation and neither can really be fixed.

However, he thought I should do the CCCT test again (tests FSH) so I can see where I am today. Of course, that means taking a bit of c.lomid again, which may or may not have been what helped when I had Abby. Who knows? But this late in the game, I'll throw just about any lucky charm in my pocket in hopes that it may help.

If my FSH comes back lower than before, then I think that means I'm just dealing with wonky ovary function and I'd probably want to keep trying for a while. He said it can tend to ebb and flow depending on how one's body reacts to itself. (So, am I really my own worst enemy here or what????)

If my FSH comes back higher than before, then I can tell myself with some certainty that I can just give up and move on with the rest of my life as it is - with one child only. And you know what? That's nothing to be complaining about, right?

What I found a little shocking was that this doctor, when reading my prior results but applying them to my current age, would give someone in my situation about a 3% chance of successful pregnancy without any intervention. He flat out told me he would suggest moving on to donor eggs at this point. I think I had to look up the numbers online last time and assume that donor eggs would probably be our only option.

It may be that the last nails are going into my coffin - and I feel more ok with that than I have in the past. I have a lot to look forward to with THIS life. The one I dreamed of would have been nice, but this life is not half bad. :) I'll take it!

I feel so (relatively) good right now because I feel like I'm on the verge of actually knowing one way or another what I should do next. Either way. If I have a good idea that I would be wasting my time and efforts, it will be easier to part with the dream. I think it will probably be strangely comforting to know I can just stop, I suppose.

When I feel this sense of closure looming overhead, it's almost like I don't want the numbers to come back lower. Oh, the set of "what ifs" that would bring me! I'm thinking either way, good news or bad, we try (roughly) until 2010 starts. But if my FSH comes in around 5, then I would probably be more inclined to try HARDER! Then it would just be my age alone that would make me want to stop trying. I know Abby is still relatively young at 3 years old, but we'll still be in our early 50s when she graduates high school. I'm not sure how I feel about sneaking up on 60 as I watch another kid graduate. Being 40 with a small child, I'm tired enough as it is. What will I feel like in my 50s with a teenager? Do I really want to be 60, or close to it, with two teenagers? Looking back at how I was as a teen, I'm thinking one just may be enough.

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Random related-yet-unrelated thought:

When I was in college I saw a poster for a company looking for egg donors. At the time, the process sounded like a lot to take on, but what really made me NOT do it was that at that time, I did not want to get pregnant. With all the drugs they put you on to promote ovulation, they said there's a pretty big risk that you can get pregnant if you're not VERY careful. Well, that is unless you have infertility issues and just don't know it yet! I really, really, really was in no place to get pregnant at the time, so I passed.

Looking back, I wonder if I would have even been able to provide healthy eggs back then or if I would have been an unsuccessful donor after all the effort. How many dreams would have been crushed HAD I donated eggs? It wasn't THAT long before I got my own bad news, after all.

If I knew then what I know now, AND if I wasn't dealing with these issues quite yet, I wonder what I would have done differently. I wonder if I would have tried to have kids even though I wasn't ready, just so I could try to have more than the one that I am already very lucky to have now.

Suppose I knew I would have issues. Suppose I also knew my first marriage would fail. Last I checked, you can't freeze eggs like sperm -- the eggs need to be fertilized first, and then the embryos can be frozen. (Have they worked that egg thing out yet?) Anyway, SUPPOSE I decided to save some eggs while I still could. Um, need a guy to help with the saving part. So, donor sperm? Not-yet-ex sperm and work out the details later? Sympathetic friend sperm? How does one make these decisions????

There are times when I just want to know, and there are times when, I guess, I'm glad I didn't know.

Passive Aggressive Notes

I recently discovered a funny site that posts pictures of passive aggressive notes that people have left. I find it pretty funny.

I tend to leave notes around my house that could easily be interpreted as passive aggressive. There is still one on the switch for our garbage disposal that says, "Come on! You know you wanna!" because Marti tends to shove food down there and leaves it to rot. Ick!

I leave the notes, not to be a bitch, but as a way of making light of it. If I don't laugh at it (and leave notes to get it off my chest), I would probably scream at it, so I choose the lesser of two evils.

Today I noticed that Marti has been frying breakfast sausage but not cleaning up the MASSIVE splatter pattern on the stove top. I left a paper towel on the mess today hoping the grease that would soak into the towel before he saw it would make my point for me. On the paper towel I wrote, "Really gross," put the spray cleaner next to it, and left it at that.

When I got home today I could see that he tried, in his "one X, one Y" sort of way, to clean it up. However, there is still grease all over the stove. It's pretty gross.

Of course, I could just continue to "fix it" for him as I have done in the past, but is it too much to hope that a man would realize that "greasy to the touch" and "visibly splattered" are not acceptable statuses for a kitchen appliance that one has just cleaned?

So, I resorted to another passive aggressive note. It awaits his return tonight. I don't know if he sees what little humor there is in these notes, but they make me feel better somehow.

As you can see, there are rings on the paper towel where I rotated it on the burner pan that was still covered in grease. There are also small pieces of paper napkin that have soaked up some of the spatter by the knobs. It was great how he cleaned up to the bottom of the knobs and then just stopped there. It is still greasy on the knobs, between the knobs, and above the knobs. Nice. < shaking head in dismay > I was actually hoping that the napkin would STICK to the grease, but it wasn't sticky enough so I had to hold it up with the salt and pepper. Darn. Who would have ever thought a wife would be sad that her greasy mess wasn't sticky enough?

Is That the Best You Can Do?

You went to all the trouble of choosing and enrolling in a university. You are so proud that you graduated that you went out and bought a sticker with the name of your beloved university on it. You go out to your car and with your analytical, college educated mind, this is the best you can do?

Really?



For those of you that don't see it: it's not even CLOSE to being centered.

"Following" People

I was looking at my Google Reader and it gave me the option today of following people, which I think means seeing the items they choose to share.

I just clicked on all the names that came up from my email contacts, so now there's a huge list of people I'm following.

Am I a stalker now? It sounds "stalkery." But I just want to see what people share - whatever that is! I haven't "shared" something I have come across yet, so I don't know how that works. But if someone DOES share something, I guess now I get a notice to go look?

Whatever. So, if you see me on your list of followers, I'm not stalking. I just want to see how it works.

Really.

< pulling twigs and leaves from your hedges out of my hair >

And on a Lighter Note...

Why is it when I'm at work and unable to surf the internet at my heart's content, I think of a number of things I want to look up, yet when I'm at home and reach that point in the evening when I have an hour or so ALL to myself, I can't for the life of me remember one thing that I wanted to research or just look at?

It's Official - and What That Means

I mentioned to Jessica the other day that I was thinking of trying to get pregnant (REALLY, REALLY TRY) until I am 41 (October) and then give up. Maybe until the end of the year...

I ran that by Marti last night after Jess and Eugene left, and he said, "Maybe." I asked, "Maybe yes, or maybe no?" His response was nice. :) He said, "Yes, we'll try for a while" or something to that effect. It was almost as if he meant longer than the end of the year, but I can't remember the words now. I'm just not sure how much longer I want to try if it means being in my 60s when proposed kid graduates high school -- and that is if we even get pregnant or carry to term --- which, if you know me, is a BIG IF!

I've been wondering how I'm doing in the FSH area these days, and now I have a very legitimate reason to try to find out. Plus, I have a little superstitious streak that wants me to take Cl.omid one more time since I took it for the one pregnancy I carried to term - Abby! I don't really THINK I need it, but SOMETHING was different about that pregnancy and I want to try to recreate as many of the parts of it as possible in order to maximize our chances of success.

Anyway, there are so many angles to this new semi-development that I'm not sure which way to go with it.

I want to see what my FSH is so I can know what our chances are. I suppose if it's really high, it will be easier to give up when my self imposed deadline hits.

I want to see if the one time I had it checked, if it was "accurate." I just can't help but wonder. I don't mean the one test was or was not accurate on its own merits. I just wonder if maybe it varies and I got an especially high reading - or worse, if it read lower than my AVERAGE. The little bit of scientist in me thinks tests should be repeated to gauge the accuracy of the conclusion.

At any rate, it doesn't really matter THAT much what it is. I mean, they said it was high and then I got pregnant with Abby that very week! So, what of it? And if it comes back low, that still doesn't mean I'll get pregnant and carry to term either.

The thing is, I want to take the c.lomid that they give you when you take the test. MAYBE that was the magic charm that brought me Abby. Maybe not. But still, maybe. What's the harm in trying again, right?

Then there's the depression thing. I was given some meds to try, but stopped after the first day when I took too much in error. (The pills come in 2 doses and I took the higher dose first - and it didn't sit well with me.) When I mentioned it to a friend, she showed me where it says there MAY be a chance of birth defects if you take it while pregnant. Ever since then, I've been putting off trying it again since I've been sort of seeing what lack of contraception would bring us. It will be nice to hit that point where I'm done being pregnant (or trying to get that way) so that I can get on with the business of taking care of myself.

Either way, I just feel as if so much of my life right now is waiting for tomorrow that I am missing out on today. OK, OK, so I'm not totally missing it. I mean, I'm here, but just not to the degree I should be. I fret over things that I wish were just one way or the other. It's the uncertainty that drives me a little nuts. I don't know if this is true or not, but I FEEL that if I knew which way it would end up, I would be better off. Let me grieve the loss of what I always thought I'd have, or let me enjoy having it. Just get on with it, is all I ask.

TGIF - for reasons other than the obvious

WHAT a day.

For my FB friends, here's the rest of the story.

I left work and dropped by the store on my way to get Abby. I put my lunch that I never ate in my car, so when I saw a homeless guy looking at the garbage, I got the food and asked him if he was hungry. (I was parked right next to the garbage can in front of the store.)

Out of nowhere, he proceeded to cuss me out and literally threatened to "kidnap and assault" me!

DUDE!

I was trying to be nice and just trying to help.

I was shaken from it and still upset now.

It was food I was taking home to eat later, so it was nearly literally offering him the shirt off my back -- and yet he lashed out at me like that.

What gets into people to make them do things like that?

There's more about today that sucked, but that is just the delicious cherry on top. I don't even want to go on with it now.