Made it Through the Night

Well, I made it through the night without crying on everyone. We had Marti's mom and her husband over for dinner and I did not feel like crying the whole time -- amazing. I think I just might make it through Thursday without a breakdown.

I think Marti still has no idea I've been crying all weekend long... What kind of a freak am I? I want him to know, but I don't want him to find out. He'll read this in the next few days (eventually) so it's no secret. But I need him now and he has no idea.

Depression Sucks

Here it is again. I hate this. I know it will pass, so I guess I'll be ok, but it's here.

I've been crying all weekend and hiding it. It's bad enough that it's just here like it shows up from time to time. But this time there are things making it worse.

Yesterday I finally got motivated to clean up the pile of laundry in the guest room. I had to sort my stuff in the pile, fold and put away the hoards of sheets that never find their way home because I'm the only one that knows how to fold them and I just don't care anymore. Then I was sorting Abby's clothes and came across more things she'll never wear again. She has outgrown them, so it's time to do something with them. Also, in the process of sorting her hangers, I found a basket of maternity clothes that have been sitting there in the bottom of the guest room closet for the past year.

Last year at this time we were planning a trip to the mountains -- just like we are today.

Last year at this time I was pregnant.

Last year on this very trip I feared my baby had died.





Last year when we got home, I learned I was right.





This year I am wondering if we will ever try again. My insurance kicks in Tuesday and I am supposed to ovulate over the weekend. After hearing Marti say he's not sure he wants to try now, I asked him again last weekend since it will be time to try soon. No answers - just more "I don't know."

So, sorting laundry got me -- hard! With Marti asleep on the sofa downstairs, I cried for about a half hour while staring at the room. Do I keep the things or give them away? In a way, I see his points and understand his wondering if we should try. But the not knowing really gets to me. This is the last year we'll be able to consider trying - I'm pretty sure we are on the same page about that part. We both turn 40 in the fall and we're both tired. It doesn't get any better, I'm sure. But I don't want to be 75 and wish we'd tried.

I know a lot of it is not even up to us since I have fertility issues. But to not even try is going to be hard. I may get my ass kicked in the game, but put me in Coach! I at least want to play.

The Secret Room

So, apparently there is a secret room where I work!

This all came to light when it got too hot in the office and they were talking about where to move the vending machines that are in a room that "our" a/c unit also serves.

They said they might be remodeling and moving the machines into an area where the secret room is now. (It looks like a closet in the ladies room, but used to be a little lounge with a lounge chair to take a nappy nap if needed.)

So, now that it's coming time to THINK about TTC again, I can't help but hope that they don't remodel! IF we (Marti) decide(s) that we (Marti) want(s) to try after all, and IF I am able to carry a second pregnancy to term, I definitely want to return to work, and definitely to my current job, if at all possible. If all of those planets align, then that secret room would make a GREAT place to pump at work in private since my current desk is about 15 feet from the main entrance to our office. Granted, you can't see into my cube without making a point of coming over to my desk or my manager's desk, but PLENTY of people visit her desk throughout the day with various needs, so privacy there would not be possible.

PLUS, I'm only in a cube, so every guy in the office would HEAR every little thing, and I know that skeeves most guys out to no end.

So, here's my dilemma. Do I mention that I might be TTC soon and request that they consider leaving the room intact for another year? Or do I keep my yap shut and watch it disappear before my eyes?

I guess there is a semi-private bathroom down the hall from me that I could use. Generally speaking, there are about 5 or 6 women that use that one -- some regularly, and some just from time to time. I'm just kind of private about my boobies and don't want to pump where people poop. The separate lounge just sounded so much nicer and might have had a better privacy option.

Maybe I'm putting the cart before the horse.

Maybe I'm a city dweller and I will never have a horse anyway.

Blind is Kind

I know, I know. This could end up being a "be careful what you wish for" title to my post today. But hear me out.

I have reading glasses that a doctor gave me a few years ago. I barely needed them then, so I rarely used them. I saved them for days where I was experiencing eye fatigue. I also took them up on the offer to make them turn into sunglasses when I was out in the sun. It sounded like a good idea at the time.

Fast forward to 2008. I am back in an accounting position and my eyes are not what they used to be. The combination of this is leading me to need the glasses more often than before. I'd say I need them on a regular basis now -- at least a few times a week I feel they make things better for me even though they are a pain in the ass when I look UP from what I'm doing.

So, the view from my desk is pretty great. I have windows from about 2.5 feet off the floor to the ceiling. That's a lot of light. (Remember, my reading glasses turn to sunglasses in sunlight!)

I feel like a complete dork wearing sunglasses in my office! (I'm having deja vu! Did I blog about the sunglass part already or was that somewhere else that I mentioned that?)

BUT, that's not the point of this thread. It is merely what brought me to this point.

I got another pair of reading glasses and was wearing them while trimming my nails. I looked past my nails to my legs and noticed the skin on them is kind of gross, actually! I would not have seen this without my glasses on. I guess I have everything in a mildly soft focus now that I'm getting older.

Which brings me to my point.

I wonder if it's nature's way of showing kindness to us in our older age, in an "ignorance is bliss" kind of way. I mean, if I become half blind in my old age and can't SEE how bad my skin becomes, then isn't that better than knowing and not being able to do anything about it?

Father's Day Fun

This year for Father's Day I decided to just leave Marti alone. Haha!!! It was suggested by one of our local radio guys, and Marti did say all he wanted to do was watch golf, so what the heck.

Leading up to the day, his mom called and asked if we wanted to come see them, but I told her I wasn't sure, as I thought I remembered Marti saying he had something he was considering with friends who have a toddler, too. I left it kind of open, since it's not MY day to say what we are or are not doing.

I had received some home grown green apples last week from the lady who retired and made my job possible. My friend, Tiffany, offered to come over and show me how to bake them into a cinnamon crisp. Even THAT I left up in the air until the night before.

As it turns out, Tiffany did come over and pretty much totally baked that crisp herself. (What a sweetie!) And we three girls (Tiffany, Abby, and myself) spent the afternoon in the ghetto pool being silly while Marti watched golf, as planned.

Well, apparently he never called his mom back to tell her himself that we were not coming over, and she had to take my "maybe not" as the best response she could get. I don't suppose that made her happy, but still... I didn't know he wasn't going to call her back again. She could have called him before Father's Day, too.

She did call ON Father's Day and he said she sounded upset, and said something like she feels like she always comes last, or his friends always come first, or something to that effect.

The way I see it, she may have a point to make (which we have a HUGE counter point, but that's neither here nor there at the moment), but on FATHER'S DAY? She wants to play "WHY ISN'T IT ALL ABOUT ME?" on Father's Day? Last I checked, most people with a right to complain that they are not getting enough attention on Father's Day have a penis. Is it just me?

So, anyway, the day before that, we went to see my friends and HAD planned on taking the toddlers out to the splash park, but that plan fell apart. Marti did, however, dress Abby in her bathing suit before we left, just in case we would still make it out there and find that THEY still wanted to go. (They did not.) I took a picture of Abby in her bathing suit, because it was too funny.

This is why, even on Father's Day, the guys still need the moms around to keep an eye on everything. Is this a riot, or what???? My friend texted me today to let me know, "We have Abby's singlet." I guess we forgot her bathing suit over there when we changed her.



To end the day, we watched a horror movie, Funny Games. I should have trusted my instincts on the title alone. Then, (spoiler alert) I should have just walked away when the main character started talking to the audience through the camera lens. Are you KIDDING ME? That is always a sign of a bad movie, unless maybe in a comedy like Ferris Bueller's Day Off, where it was well done. I have no idea what I was thinking when I continued to sit through the movie, even as the plot turned, then the main character picks up a TV remote, and hits REWIND! Yes, he rewound his own movie -- the one we were watching! W.T.F.???????

Then, I felt nothing less than irritated and disappointed that it didn't go somewhere in the end. On another note, I did not feel amorous. Not at all. Not even a tiny bit. Not even if I was ovulating and the frost warning had been lifted. However, let's not forget it was Father's Day. Ha ha!!! Marti, bless his male heart, had one thing on his mind and he'd been thinking of it all day -- bad horror movie or not!

Let's just say I was dubbed the good wife when all was said and done.

Gee, thanks, Sweetie.

There Has Been a Frost Warning in Phoenix

So much for spring... (See Harbinger post, one door down.)

We were out with friends and the question came up about my getting insurance soon. Jessica asked if we were going to try, and Marti said we're not sure.

I mumbled loud enough for everyone to hear that I thought we WERE going to give it one last try, and we should probably work out those details before someone else asks us that question again. We were most definitely not on the same page when that question came flying out into the room, and it felt weird.

Eugene was too funny in "calling it" when he said in a sing-songy voice, "Awkward!" Ha ha!!! At least we all got a good snicker and we moved on.

I still need to figure out what we (as a couple) are going to do, so no, I don't have an answer yet.

The Harbinger of TTC

For those of you that have followed my situation for the last several months, I left a job where I got insurance, spent a couple months off work, and got another job that offers insurance after 90 days of employment. This week the HR lady gave me my "packet."

:)

For some that would signal many hundreds of dollars saved over the course of the year. For me, it was a red light turning ever so subtlety green on the TTC front. It was the leaves of a tree starting to come out after a long winter. Group insurance = a chance to start trying again. It feels like spring!

Granted, like in Idaho ;), we may get an unexpected frost after the tiny green buds peek out from the branches, and possibly lose the whole season, but it's worth a try. I know I have a history of losses, and I'm prepared to take on whatever may come. It helps that I'm in a job where every minute away from my "post" does not take an hour to make up for! I have that serenity in my life now, which can only help in this effort.

It's crunch time. I turn 40 in October, and if it doesn't happen this year, I think we'll have to be OK with calling it quits. We have Abby already, and she has enriched our lives in ways I can't even begin to describe. If it's just her, as I always say, I will not complain.

Only time will tell what the next few months will bring. I hope it's a "fruitful" year (to use another plant metaphor).

Two Things

And what were those two things? I remember one now.

Reading glasses. I got some a couple years ago. They were fine for reading, but I wasn't thinking of EVERY possibility when I ordered them.

I got the tint that reacts to the sun. That way, if I was outside trying to read something, they would work and I wouldn't be left wanting for a pair of sunglasses, right? Except that my new office is backed up to a wall of windows!

Now if I put on my reading glasses at work, it looks like I'm wearing some really LAME shades!!!! Oh, wtf?

And the other thing was???? I can't remember now. There WERE two things when I first logged on!!! I swear!

Speaking of High School

How many of you had to move -- either in high school or shortly before -- and kept in touch with old friends back home?

I have such a friend and it amazes me how long we've known each other! I met Denise in second grade -- which for me was in 1975! We were BABIES when we met!

We wrote to each other often because back then "long distance" was REALLY expensive. Talking on the phone for hours at a time back then would not have been the same as doing so now in the age of free long distance. Honestly, even before we moved, we still didn't get to talk on the phone much! I lived in Orange County and she lived in Los Angeles County where we went to a parochial school together. So, the long distance thing was still a problem the day I met her.

During high school, I wrote her a ton of letters. Guess what? She saved them!!! A long time ago, she mentioned it and I said I'd love to see them again. She was going to scan them for me, but eventually gave in to the "I-don't-have-time-for-that-shit" monster and sent them to me.

Holy crap!!!! What an eye opener!

I had forgotten some of the things I wrote about and it was actually kind of depressing to see my first-hand descriptions of some of the things I said and did.

I know I need to get them back to Denise someday. They are hers. But I'm not sure if I want to scan them for myself for later.

What possible reason would I have to do that? I don't know. And would I want to get depressed again?

As a parent, would I want my daughter to find them someday? Probably not!

Yet somehow, I am compelled to keep copies of them.

Subject matter of the letters aside, it was vindicating to see that I DID write coherently at that age, even in an informal letter to a friend. My brief stint teaching in the middle school made me REALLY wonder if I just THOUGHT things were different back then.

Too Funny

OK, it's not really too funny. It's just mildly funny at best.

A friend has added a link here on his blog, and wouldn't you know it? I am sitting right next to another "Lisa" on his list.

It reminds me of Spanish class in high school when Mr. Felix put all 3 Lisas in the class period in ONE ROW! He had squinty little eyes, and we could never tell which one of us he was looking at or which one he was calling on. He also was cranky all the time. This combination of this physical characteristic and personality trait with his chosen seating arrangement did NOT make for a positive experience in HS Spanish for me.

Before I go and just for the record, let me just say this now so nobody asks. NO, I'm not that same Lisa. First of all, I'm not 25, I'm 39. :( I'll just stop there before I find a sharp object and hurt myself. :(

Someone Scoop Me Up Off The Floor!

I'm sitting here thinking about tonight and I just have to write it out so I can remember it later. I don't want it to get lost in all the things that come and go in my head.

Tonight Abby and I were reading a book before she went to sleep. It's about a little monkey that keeps getting into trouble because the big monkey is too busy making dinner, etc., to play with him. (Uh, sound familiar to any parents out there????) It's amazing to me how much she "gets" a story like this at her young age. I could be wrong, but I don't think the big monkey ever specifically says, "go away" in the story, yet when she's telling me the story, that's what she says he says! (For the record, I don't tell her to go away either in case you think that's where she's getting it. I do, on the other hand, wish I wasn't so busy sometimes when she wants to play.)

The book wraps up with the big monkey telling the little monkey that he loves him even when little monkey is naughty, and that big monkey was naughty for shouting at the him. I think on the last page it comes full circle when the big monkey says, "I love you little monkey." And the little monkey says, "I love you, too. Even when you're naughty."

The point of this post is coming, I swear.

Abby has a routine she follows pretty closely at every bedtime. A few details change, but she always puts the book under her pillow, then she arranges her blanket(s) and/or sheets, and then her stuffed animals. I ask her if she wants a blanket on her (and she always says she does), then I ask if she wants it tucked (which she usually doesn't). Then I give her a big hug and we share a couple of kisses on our cheeks. This routine goes on for a while. :)

Tonight after I gave her a kiss good night, I said to her, "I love you little monkey." She was silent, so I suggested that she say, "I love you, too, Mommy." Instead of repeating what was suggested, you know what she said?

"I love you, too, big monkey!"

I melted on the spot.

I'm just glad she didn't tell me I'm naughty. ;)

I love that she loves books. I love that she is trying to read them by herself. I love that she remembers what I read and what she "reads." I love when she makes connections.

But most of all, I love that I've been given a chance to love her and all these little things about her.






I Love You, Little Monkey
Author: Durant, Alan

Description: When Little Monkey gets bored watching Big Monkey do all his important chores, he decides to lend his friend a helping hand by putting a playful spin on things; causing Big Monkey`s busy day to be even longer in the process!

My Daily Dumbass

A little history: I sort and distribute the mail at work. We also get hand delivered interoffice mail from our other location here in the valley once a day usually.

Last week the parts manager came to me looking for a package he should have gotten from our Deer Valley location with a bag of 50 nuts. (Not like peanuts! Like nuts and bolts, silly!) He said he was told they handed it directly to me. I could not for the life of me remember seeing that package nor the guy that said he delivered it to me, and figured with the weight of 50 nuts that I'd remember something like that in an interoffice envelope. I was nearly positive that I had not seen it. Also, there were TWO names on it, instead of just one, to deliver it to. I thought that was odd, and once again, was certain I would have remembered that. Seriously, how can you deliver one piece of mail to two people?

As the week went on, the search continued. We looked high and low and asked everyone in the building if they'd seen the missing nuts. (Amazingly, no raunchy comments resulted!)

Finally today, I got the interoffice package from our Dallas location and guess what was in there? (Oh, a little history there: the airport at Dallas used to be called Redbird, so the 3 letter abbreviation for Dallas Executive Airport is RBD.)

SO, anyway, the package is in there!!! For a split second I felt vindicated, thinking the DV people sent it to RBD on accident. It was addressed in caps as follows: (The capital "O" is the hole punch in the envelope, which affected the way it read.)

LORI O ROD PARTS BRIAN C DV

So, I thought for a minute that someone thought ROD was RBD and sent it off to Dallas. The O WAS a little triangular, so it looked like it might have been a B in a previous life. ;) I felt vindicated for a brief moment until I realized that person who thought it read "RBD" was ME!!! I was the dumbass who sent it off to Dallas!!!

Lucky for me the guy who needed those nuts to fix the plane didn't show up on Friday as planned, so nobody (outside of the company) was the wiser to my mistake. Well, except for YOU! ;) Also, luckily the parts manager got busy and didn't have a chance to try to track down MORE nuts on Friday, so we didn't have a duplicate order. (Apparently they were the only ones to be found in Phoenix, so it would have been a big deal to find this specialty part somewhere else.)

I got lucky!

I made it known throughout the parts department that I was the one that screwed it up. I am humble enough to take my knocks when deserved. I volunteered to step up for my public flogging, but they were gracious enough to let it slide. ;)

It feels good to have the mystery solved, but I was hoping it wasn't me. Dang it! I was so sure it wasn't me!

I Thought I Was Tougher Than That!

Yesterday was family fun day in the ghetto pool. We got it last year for about $30 and it looks like it lasted through to another season without us or the dogs popping it!

Marti went to Costco and picked up dinner before Abby went down for her nap, and when he put the wine on the counter, we both got the same idea: crack that bottle open! We NEVER drink wine during the day (hardly ever at least) so this was odd that we both wanted some during the day.

So... We were out having fun in the sun, just chilling out and enjoying life. I had a glass of wine, but went inside to put it in plastic since we were all wet and slippery. We also had some funny little panda fruit snacks, which play a part in what comes next.

I sitting in the ghetto pool with Marti at my side, eating my fruit snacks and drinking my wine. I was still chewing some of the snacks when I took a sip of the wine. I had the wine in my mouth and kept chewing. I bit into something soft yet crunchy. Then I did it again.

Someone hit the slow motion button now please.

The first one made me think, "Hmmm. What's that?" It didn't really dawn on me that it was bad -- just different and needed noting.

The second one was more like, "WHAT WAS THAT?!?!?!?!?!" Have you seen the movie Seven? It was like that scene where he asks, "WHAT'S IN THE BOX?!?!?!?!" I was horrified!!!!

I started freaking out. I spit the entire mouthful of fruit snacks, red wine, and if you haven't guessed by now, FLY, into the pool and started crying.

Marti was laughing at me, yet concerned that I needed to stop because it was freaking Abby out.

He later said he didn't know at first if I was laughing or crying.

Well, it was both.

He said I would never make it on Fear Factor. Well, maybe not. But, if I was prepared for that, I might have taken it a little better.

Anyway, I got over it. He fished the fly (with it's trailing guts) out of the pool, and we continued on with our fun.

This video is from when we first filled it -- so no pollutants in the water yet. ;) Unfortunately we were both IN the pool and wet when the fly incident happened, so there is no video of that. Marti did say he wished he had the camera though. I'm still cringing at the thought of it all.