Depression Sucks

Here it is again. I hate this. I know it will pass, so I guess I'll be ok, but it's here.

I've been crying all weekend and hiding it. It's bad enough that it's just here like it shows up from time to time. But this time there are things making it worse.

Yesterday I finally got motivated to clean up the pile of laundry in the guest room. I had to sort my stuff in the pile, fold and put away the hoards of sheets that never find their way home because I'm the only one that knows how to fold them and I just don't care anymore. Then I was sorting Abby's clothes and came across more things she'll never wear again. She has outgrown them, so it's time to do something with them. Also, in the process of sorting her hangers, I found a basket of maternity clothes that have been sitting there in the bottom of the guest room closet for the past year.

Last year at this time we were planning a trip to the mountains -- just like we are today.

Last year at this time I was pregnant.

Last year on this very trip I feared my baby had died.





Last year when we got home, I learned I was right.





This year I am wondering if we will ever try again. My insurance kicks in Tuesday and I am supposed to ovulate over the weekend. After hearing Marti say he's not sure he wants to try now, I asked him again last weekend since it will be time to try soon. No answers - just more "I don't know."

So, sorting laundry got me -- hard! With Marti asleep on the sofa downstairs, I cried for about a half hour while staring at the room. Do I keep the things or give them away? In a way, I see his points and understand his wondering if we should try. But the not knowing really gets to me. This is the last year we'll be able to consider trying - I'm pretty sure we are on the same page about that part. We both turn 40 in the fall and we're both tired. It doesn't get any better, I'm sure. But I don't want to be 75 and wish we'd tried.

I know a lot of it is not even up to us since I have fertility issues. But to not even try is going to be hard. I may get my ass kicked in the game, but put me in Coach! I at least want to play.