Chistmas = Scary Ghost Stories?

Excerpt from It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year


It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
There'll be much mistltoeing
And hearts will be glowing
When love ones are near
It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago


What's up with that? Do you tell scary ghost stories on Christmas or is that just weird?

Petty Theft

It happens everywhere, I know, but it's no less infuriating when it happens to you.

Work theft. Break room theft. Lunch bandits. Whatever you want to call them. I call them LAME!

In my office, there is a group of about 5 of us that cook lunch for each other once a week. (We have a full kitchen available in the break room.) It's like a rolling pot luck. A few weeks ago, Cheryl made meatloaf and someone stole her Pyrex from the break room! Last week was my turn and I made baked potatoes and chili.

When we first started this thing, I stocked up a few items that I knew we'd be needing: plates from the dollar store, some cheap (but real) silverware, a couple of knives and a spatula, and a roll of aluminum foil. I used the foil for the potatoes last week (Thursday) and popped it on top of one of the lesser used fridges in the room. It was kind of hidden between the junk on top of the fridge and the cabinets. I forgot it there until today.

Of course, when I went back to grab it, it was gone!

I know it's petty. It's not that big of a deal, money-wise. It's the principle. We NEEDED that! It was ours! More so, it was NOT THAT PERSON'S TO TAKE! And, what if I wanted to bake something that required foil again today, only to find that what I needed was gone? I'd be stuck with no way to make my lunch, all because some schmuck took it upon themself to help themself to something that they WANTED that was not theirs. ARGH!

I guess the worst part is, it's a fairly small crew, and I probably say hi in the halls to whomever stole our stuff.

Would you believe that the owner actually put a BUNCH of steaks in the freezer one time after returning from a hunting trip, only to find someone had stolen some? That takes BALLS! I mean, stealing from the boss is one thing. Stealing from the boss when you know he's got a gun... Ha ha, but seriously -- LAME!!!!

And apparently frozen cookie dough for school fund raisers has been stolen, too! Knowing all this, I guess I should not be surprised that someone stole my foil.

I just hope that someday this person is on a trip in some foreign country, desperately in need of a restroom (if you catch my drift), and finds that someone STOLE all the TP because they wanted to save a couple bucks on groceries that week!

What? Vindictive? Me? NAH!!!!!!

WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?

Warning - the video in the link contains a man swinging a baby around to music. The baby doesn't seem distressed, but that doesn't mean the viewer will not be.

Click this link. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?

Someone tell me that this is not real.

Please.

The New Content Warning

(The content warning page has been removed since this post was first published)

For those of you wondering about the new "Content Warning" page, here's the scoop.

I used to be a teacher. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the kids, but will NEVER be a teacher again. I vowed this to myself, my family, and my friends.

I do, occasionally, hear from old students -- some in high school, some graduating college. I am always thrilled and welcome the friendly "what's up"s I get from them. Eventually, I anticipate one or more will end up here. They are finding me in other places and it's just a matter of time before they find this link. I never wanted to HIDE the link, but I never gave it to any of them either.

At least one student is now just one step away from finding this place -- my mental dumping ground. As one last caution, I placed the "adult content" warning on my blog in case it's not somewhere she (and those that follow) want to go with their former teacher.

I have great respect for so many of my former students and most of what is in here is stuff they "sort of" know about (in a round about way) anyway. It's just the way it's presented here that may be a concern. But, I don't ever want to teach again, so what do I care now if they catch me dropping a couple F-bombs here and there now? I'm thinking they MIGHT have heard worse from their peers and parents already, right?

There are occasionally grown up themes to be had here (along with some not so grown up moments LOL!), but unless I'm mistaken, it's nothing a kid today couldn't handle. And, teachers are just real people, after all. We're not all "Christmas Vests" and navy blue jumpers! (No, I am proud to say I have never owned a Christmas vest!!!! [or any other holiday, for that matter!] I did, however, have a favorite navy blue wool jumper when I was doing my kindergarten internship back in the 90's!!!)

So, there it is. Consider the clock counting and I am timing you, student(s). ;) I will not ever point this place out, but I will laugh my butt off every time someone finds it! Oh, and feel free to tell me so if you do. I promise you won't get detention. LOL!!!!!!!!

Mental note to self: teacher blog, yes -- for the endless hilarity that ensued in a junior high classroom! I always said I should write it all down someday before I forget. I need to do that someday.

The Birdhouse and the Garbage Can

I forgot to post a picture of the now infamous birdhouse.



It turns out that he bought two, but couldn't get the glue to stick, so he put one away for later. When he moved on from one birdhouse to the other, he stacked the pieces of the first very neatly together and placed them back in the package that he received.

The problem was, there was still glue on the pieces he TRIED to put together, so it was pretty darn funny to take the birdhouse out, only to discover it was now a brick!

It wasn't too bad and I was able to pop them apart with only a tiny corner of one piece breaking off. I think he gets mad when I giggle, but that's just how it's always been in my family. The ladies giggle at the men.

A PRIME example would be my adorably grumpy grandfather. Back in the day, they had metal drums that they used for trash barrels. He kept his meticulously painted but when one started to rust out, he had to dispose of it. Thinking if he flattened it, he could fit it inside the NEW trash bin and easily dispose of it, he decided to use what God gave him to complete the task. (Grandpa wasn't entirely fat, but he wasn't a small man by any means. I guess just picture Walter Matthau without the black hair.)

He set the barrel on its side next to the neighbor's chain link fence. The fence was about waist-high, so he was able to stand on the barrel and hold onto the fence in preparation for what followed. It was a brilliant plan! All he had to do was squish the barrel.

Using all his might (and heft) he jumped up into the air in hopes of landing on the barrel. What happened next was...

Well, what happened next was we laughed our asses off!

Why?

Well, it turns out that when he landed on the barrel, it did succumb to his weight -- but only briefly. It popped back up and catapulted him up and over the fence and into the neighbor's yard.

Another example is that he was bald and constantly banging his head on things (in his OWN garage) and coming back inside looking like he got hit over the head with a rolling pin. As the blood was still dripping down his melon, we would just laugh.

So, that's how it has always been in my family. I grew up thinking men are funny. I can't be held responsible for that, can I?

Philly Cheese Steaks

Before I say anything, I want to get it on the record that I love my husband and he's a pretty darned good cook. He also appreciates some of the finer things in life, so it's not like he's been ripped straight out of some hick town where "going out for dinner" means meeting up at the local Dairy Queen.

There. That was just to give some perspective because what follows is not going to be pretty.

Last night he grilled a monstrous steak for us to split. He asked me if I wanted cheese steak sandwiches instead of just steak, but I declined.

Then he tried convincing me that his idea would be AWESOME! He wanted to put the steak with melted VELVEETA CHEESE between 2 pieces of Aunt Hattie's Buttermilk (white) bread!

WHAT?!?!?!?! That was just WRONG to even say!!!!!! The Velveeta was bad enough, but you don't put a steak sandwich on sandwich bread. You just don't. You need something, well, BEEFIER that will hold up to the steak and juices.

I told him that there were some people in Philadelphia that wanted to have a seeeeeeeeeeeerious talk with him.

Oh, and before you get any ideas, NO, I don't think that Philly Cheese Steaks would be fine dining either! My point by adding the "perspective" section above is just to imply that HE KNOWS BETTER!

And, in all fairness, I must say, he grilled a mean steak last night! (As usual!) That man has a knack with the BBQ!!!!

Memorable Moments in October

Here are some pictures from October. It was full of fun, including a visit from the in-laws, a trip to the fair, Abby's birthday, and of course, Halloween!

Abby got to feed an alpaca. If you've never fed one before, their lips are like little velvet fairies dancing in your hand!


Abby also got to feed baby goats. Some of them were even about the size of puppies! She made a point of searching out the babies and trying so hard just to feed them. I noticed the mothers were in there, too, so I told her it was ok to feed the mommies because they would feed the babies for her.


Speaking of mommies feeding their babies...

Actually, what was funny about this (and you can't see it in a still shot) was what the baby pigs were doing. They actually were NOT nursing. They were rooting around in mom's boobs, spinning her nipples with their snouts! Scientifically speaking, maybe they were trying to stimulate milk flow. The child in me can't help but giggle, though!


She got her first pony ride ever and I got some exercise chasing them around! (They were faster than they looked!)


Marti took her on the mini bumper cars and they had a blast! He was VERY comfortable, too. No. Really. He was.


Dyan took Abby on the baby elephant ride! Ever since seeing the Disneyland commercials with all the flying elephants, she has wanted to go on that ride! I was so surprised to see an elephant ride at the fair, but THRILLED for her because I knew she would LOVE it!


I got to go on her first roller coaster ride with her! Luckily we didn't make it on right away and ended up at the front of the line for the next ride. (The very front car was the only one with leg room for anyone resembling an adult.) I was MUCH more comfortable than Marti was on his ride. ;)


Fake bats?
Check.

Skull necklaces?
Check.

Glowing red eyes?
CHECK!!!!!
(You've got to click on this one of Dyan and Abby to get the full effect.)


And, finally, Abby trying on her costume at my in-laws' -- complete with the most perfect (and accidentally found) pair of shoes for this costume! I was about 10 seconds away from saying, "Screw it! She can wear white sneakers with it!" when I found 4 pairs of these shoes -- and one pair happened to be her size! (We did get better fitting tights for the real Halloween, but those pictures didn't come out so great.)

Who Needs Pockets?

Marti sent me this today and I think it is so darned cute!!!!

Not one...
Not two...

Well, I don't want to ruin it for you!



Ah, the innocent fun of shoving frogs in your knickers!!! Those were the days, weren't they?

What? Like you never shoved a family of frogs into your undies?????

Politics and Pranks

No, this post is not about Politics. EVERY other blog you read today will probably be about politics, but I am going to dare to be different and FINALLY post my prank story.

It all started a few years back when a friend and I used to whistle this little Mozart song back and forth at each other at work. When my grandma died in 2002, I discovered she had a wooden jewelry box that played that song. The lid of the box was broken but the music was perfect.

I took the mechanism out of it and mounted it in a really cool wooden Cohiba cigar box. I dressed the box up with feet I made out of pairs of little wooden button thingies and painted them to match. (The box needed to be "off the ground" to let the music box unwind as it played.) I lined the inside with golden brown suede cloth. It was sweet!!!! She loved it.

When I had showed it to Marti before taking it to her, he said HE wanted to keep it! But, I made it for someone else, so she still got it. It was "her song" after all. ;)

Well, grandma also had a music box that played "If I Were A Rich Man" from Fiddler on the Roof. Marti likes that song and sings it from time to time.

So, his bday came around and I finally got around to making him HIS box that plays HIS song.

Saturday before his birthday, I shopped for the cigars to fill it with, as well as another present. I was late getting home and he looked a little cranky about it because we had somewhere to go. I told him I was getting his bday stuff so he lightened up. :)

The next day he was bugging me about where his stuff was – playing like he was going to go search it out and ruin my surprise for him. I told him he could look, but that I still had to make one of his presents.



"You're MAKING me a present?????"



At that moment, my mind clicked and I went for the prank.

I told him of course I was MAKING him a present! It was, after all, his FORTIETH BDAY!!! DUH!

He looked confused and asked what was up with that so I explained that it's a tradition that you make someone a present for their 40th. He had a BS look on his face, so I kept playing it to see where it would go. We went back and forth a little.



Marti: I've never made anything in my life.

Lisa: And I don't dance, but I danced with you at our wedding – it's a TRADITION! You just DO certain things because they mean a lot to people. (haha!)

Marti: So do I have to make you something for your bday? (Two months after his)

Lisa: That would be nice.

Marti: Like a cake?

Lisa: (shoots the "don't be lame" look)

Marti: What, like CERAMICS or something???

Lisa: That's a start. (haha!)

Marti: I've never heard of this before.

Lisa. Silly Brit. Your parents were probably really hurt that you didn't make them something for their 40th bdays…



I kind of left it alone after that so as not to over do it, then I went into covert mode.

You see, in an hour or so, he was going to be going to his fantasy football draft party and seeing all his friends, who would then tell him that it's all BS – they've never heard of such a thing! Well, that was, unless I got to them first!!! (haha!!!!!!)

I called 3 of his friends that I knew would be there. They were game! One even said he'd suggest macramé to Marti as a home-made gift for me! (You have to understand Marti is not the handy type!!!! At all.)

So, he comes home from his party and tells me what was said. (I didn't even ask because that would be obvious. It was great that he offered up the info, as I was anxious to hear how it went!!)

Here is the gist of what he said happened: (I did not talk to Keith, so this was either a funny coincidence, or Tony put him up to it. Also, Kenny and I used to be very close, so he knows me well enough to know my bday follows Marti's and I, too, would be turning 40 soon.)



Keith: What year did you graduate?

Marti: 1986.

Keith: So you're probably about 40 now, right?

Marti: Yup.

Kenny: So that means Lisa's turning 40, too, right? Wow, we're getting old!

Tony: So what are you making her for her 40th?



Bwah ha ha ha!!!!!

And it went on from there. Keith said he'd never heard of it either, so in that sense, I don't know if he was in on it or not. But, apparently they threw out some ideas for him and what he could make me. Marti, of course came up with an X-rated idea. (haha! But no thanks!) He didn't tell me what the other ideas were, but his friend let me in on it. I think they decided a bird house was doable and a "thoughtful gift" for the bird/yard lover that I am.

So, at that point he had a couple of months to make me a bird house. All I could think was, "how's he going to MAKE me a bird house?" Haha! I got tears in my eyes imagining it!! I had to hop in the shower after Tony sent me that bird house text because I was going to crack up! I needed Marti to not see my face for a few minutes while I thought that one through. Measuring, marking. Sawing, sanding. Screwing, gluing. Painting, panting. OMG!

It gets better.

Tony let a bunch of their coworkers in on it, as well as some regulars.

Marti was off Wednesday for his bday. Tony was going to get some regular to ask Marti where he was on Wednesday to get him to say it was his birthday. Then the regular would ask him what his wife made for him – just to give more random credibility to the "tradition" we were making up.

Of course, my giving him the box I made added more credibility to the story that it's traditional to give a home-made gift for a 40th bday. The worst part was, I couldn't say anything or see it come to fruition for over 2 months!

What killed me the most was imagining him actually making me something. It would have to be a true labor of love for him to want to make me something just because it's a tradition that I want him to follow. What a sport, huh?

A bird house… Ha ha ha!!!!

During the time it took to get from his bday to mine, there were a few opportunities to subtly mess with him. For example, at the dollar store I ran across some little 4" birdhouses in unfinished wood. I brought one home and made a point of painting it with Abby one morning while I let him sleep in so he could come down and discover us "making a birdhouse."

I can't even remember all the other things now since it has been so many weeks from start to finish.

So, my bday has come and gone and he did give me a birdhouse. After admiring his work, I asked him if he was going to give me my 40 swats -- because he was going to want to! He looked confused and asked me why.

It was then that I let him know the whole thing was a prank.

His response to me was, "No, it's real! I heard it from more than one person."

Pause.

Pause.

Pause.

Oh, if only it were that easy to make something true!

I could see so many thoughts running through his head as he said that. The denial was so pure! As he realized NOW I was telling the truth, it was almost as if he wanted to stop himself from saying it, but it was too late.

The next thing that happened was he started remembering who said what and who was in on it. Names would come out of the blue as he'd remember their part in the prank. "How did you get Meagan in on it?"

Seriously??? Meagan. Prank. Come.on!!!!! That was a natural! A better question might have been, "How did you get the guy from the salon a few doors down in on it?" Little did he know that guy from the salon is Meagan's stylist!

Almost everyone that heard about it wanted to take part in it once it got rolling.

In the end, it was a lot of fun, but I wish time didn't slip away from me once all the other festivities of October hit. I would have liked a bigger punchline that morning, or at least to have had the camera on his face.

No matter. As it is, I'm having fun with more little pranks around the house now that we've made it through this one. With Halloween done, there were the after Halloween sales. I've already hidden a fake doggie-doo in Abby's bed for him to find! That was funny, but he happened to find it when I was giving her a bath, so I missed seeing his face. It was fun after the bath to chase Abby around with it while she still thought it was real.

What was really funny was that when they thought it was real, they BOTH blamed it on the same dog -- Joey! Well, neither of our dogs mess on the floor or anything, but somehow they both immediately thought it was Joey!

And then there was the fake blood capsule...

Yup, I'm pretending I'm not 40 now and being about as immature as I can manage!

(I'll post a picture here of the birdhouse he made later this week. I need to get a hanger for it and hang it in the tree with the tiny one Abby and I painted.)

Dam.Keyboard!

I.took.the.keys.off.the.keyboard.to.try.to.clean.it.
and.now.I.can't.get.the.spacebar.back.on.properly!

I.had.time.to.post.today.but.I.am.having.a.REALLY.
rough.time.typing.anything.that.requires.a.space.

The.birdhouse.story.is.still.on.pause,as.are.any.
of.the.regularly.scheduled.rants.

I.can.get.a.space.in.there.by.copying.and.pasting.
it.from.somewhere.else.but.that's.not.really.
efficient,now.is.it?