Remember When...? (The picture version)

In response to the "Remember When...?" post, I thought it would be fun to post any pictures I have related to the response(s) I get.

This one is for Jenny. The yard is a mess, but you can see that tree as of April. If you zoom in on the full size one, you'll see what I was actually taking a picture of -- our resident cardinal, sitting on the wall to the right of the tree trunk!

Remember When...?

I'm blatantly stealing this idea for a blog entry by a friend of my friend, Meagan. She said she stole it, too, so I don't think she'll mind if she finds out. :)

Here's how it goes:

Regardless of how well you know me, (even if we have only 'met' online!) write comment on this entry with a "Remember when" moment you have about me. It could be about anything and does not have to be something big, just something...

I hope you'll play along--- I'm looking forward to seeing your comments!

My Eyes Have ESPN

(And not just when it rains!)

So, the other night I was watching my friends and how they were being together and with me, as well as how they were being about the pregnancy books I gave them to borrow or keep. That was the night I gave Abby's crib away, and I was certain I was looking at a pregnant woman.

Well, my friend calls me up today and asks when it is considered fine to tell people.

I, in my blunt manner, responded, "Last week when you were at my house, stupid!"

;)

Turns out they didn't even know then! I guess my eyes saw something, because you know and I know that I knew she was pregnant. There was no doubt in my mind or my heart.

I am so happy FOR them. I pray that spilling the beans this early with such enthusiasm is not rewarded with a dose of "someone else's reality." I mean, we all know it happens. It's just not supposed to happen to us, right? It's brutal whether it happens to you or a friend. I feel awful for even thinking of the possibility, but I've been through it myself, as well as cried uncountable tears for friends who unfortunately were dealt a similar lot. How can I not be afraid for them now?

Is this what infertility eventually does to us? Does it ruin everyone else's good news, too???? Does it make me so cynical that I can't even be free of it while observing someone else's life unfolding before me?

I hope they never taste this. I hope they fall blissfully into a family as large as they hope for. I hope they stress about finding pleasurable ways to prevent pregnancy until they are ready for another. I pray she never even opens the book on infertility problems that was in the batch of books I let them borrow.

Of course I am over the moon for them, despite my own reservations about ANY pregnancy at this point. But for my own selfish reasons, I am especially happy. We used to be closer, but after becoming a mom, it seems I have less time or opportunity to get together with him (and now her who has recently joined his fold). Not that I want to suck people out of the young partying lifestyle, but I am happy for our friendship that we may have more in common once again.

A Sadly Recurring Theme

(See post one door down to read the article.)

If you read regularly or talk to me IRL, you know by now that I am tormented by my in-laws' unfenced pool and their nonchalant attitude about (a) no fence, (b) unlocked doors, and (c) their doggie door.

Yesterday, a boy (the same age as Abby) died in his own family's pool, presumably because it was (a) unfenced, and (b) there was a doggie door leading to the unfenced pool area. His mom left him alone for about 10 minutes to check on his sisters.

I know that family is suffering today and it kills me to think of the thoughts going through each of their heads as they go to bed tonight. Every single one of them will have issues with this for a lifetime, if not at least for years to come.

The sad thing is, this could have been prevented.

Knowing this, and seeing stories JUST LIKE THIS, HOW can my in-laws not accept a free, complete, removable, and REAL pool fence, free of charge? How can they continue to turn a blind eye to the danger in their own back yard?

How can they say they love Abby with all their hearts if they will not do this for her?

Children DIE...

...DIE...

...when things go horribly wrong in just a short period of time like they did for the family in the article mentioned above.

Why don't people see this? Someone explain this to me. Please.

For Reference

Ahwatukee toddler drowns in family's pool


Click HERE to read the article

by Lisa Halverstadt and Matt Culbertson - Aug. 21, 2008 12:36 PM
The Arizona Republic

A 2-year-old boy was found in the bottom of a pool at an Ahwatukee home on Thursday, Phoenix police said. He died a short time later.

When firefighters arrived at the East Brookwood Court home, located near Chandler Boulevard and 32nd Street, the boy wasn't breathing and didn't have a pulse.

The boy's mother had left him downstairs just before noon as she went upstairs to check on her two older daughters, who are home-schooled, Phoenix police Sgt. Leonard Pinuelas said.

When she returned downstairs about 10 minutes later, she looked out her kitchen window and saw her son facedown in the family's play pool, Pinuelas said.

The woman's 8-year-old daughter rushed outside and pulled her younger brother out of the pool, he said.

Within minutes, police and firefighters were on the scene, Pinuelas said.

When they arrived, the boy continued to be without a pulse, Phoenix Fire spokesman Courtney Jenkins said.

The 2-year-old was taken to Desert Samaritan Hospital in critical condition. He later was pronounced dead at the hospital.

Before her son was taken to the hospital, the woman told authorities he may have bypassed the home's locked doors and gotten to the pool through a dog door, Pinuelas said.

What Does the Fishy Say?

I have no idea where she comes up with this stuff, but it kills me sometimes!



(For the record, no, I was not at a loss for words in this video clip. I was prompting her (off camera) to think of an animal of her choice at the point where she said "CAT.")

Help When I Needed It

I'm trying to get back into shape. I've been exercising and now want to pay close attention to what I eat, because truthfully, I have no idea how many calories I need in a day, nor how many I have been eating.

In an effort to look up how many calories were in something I ate today, as well as find what the maximum calories, fat, etc. should be for my goal, I ran across this site:

The Daily Plate

Not only was I able to see how many calories were in my lunch (because the EXACT item was listed in detail) but I was able to put in a reasonable weight loss goal and have the program tell me what my maximum calories should be for each day.

In addition to that, there are countless exercises to enter on the chart to fit anyone's workout routine. It figures out how many calories you burn and subtracts it from your caloric intake for the day to give you your net calories taken in. (I noticed that you can go so far as to deduct the calories burned while attending class if you are a student! Of course, there is a caution included with this entry, if you chose it, but I still found that one kind of funny. I was also semi-impressed with the detail these people have gone to in order to compile all of this for people like me to use.)

I can enter any food item on there by clicking on it (It says, "I ate this!") and telling it how many portions I had of it. So, even the creamer in my coffee is accounted for! (80 creamer calories in a large coffee!! FUCK! I may as well skip it and have a Coors Light at the end of the day at that rate!)

I entered my measurements and weight and there is one point on each graph to start me off today. If I stick to this, and if it is accurate in all the math, then I should be back to where I want to be just in time for Thanksgiving!

I'm lovin' the Fail Blog today!

see more pwn and owned pictures

And OMFG! WHAT was this ad man THINKING!?!?!? Oh, dang - you have to click on it to see the caption. It cuts off on Blogger


see more pwn and owned pictures

Speaking of OMFG:

see more pwn and owned pictures

No More Drive Through Windows!

Remember how my car window broke a while ago? Well, we got it fixed. So far, I think 3 of the 4 windows (or more specifically, the regulators that roll them up and down) have broken. The front passenger window has been stuck in the up position for quite some time, so at least we didn't have to pay to have that one fixed. It just doesn't work.

Actually, now that I think of it, that would be 4 out of the 4 windows! ARGH!

So, anyway, my driver's window is now stuck in the up position, as well!!!!! It was the first to drop down into the door and need fixing, so wouldn't you know it, it's been more than a year for that one and I'm shit out of luck, I'm sure.

Ever the optimist, I found the silver lining!

I can't hit the drive through window any more now! If I have to get out of my car (unload Abby) and go in someplace, it may as well be the grocery store, as opposed to the fast food joint next door to it.

(Update. As of September, the window is working again.)

Renee

(content deleted)

This post will self destruct in 10, 9, 8, ... DONE!

Just Because I'm Feeling Snarky

...and because we visited the in-laws last night, so the unfenced pool thing is fresh on my mind again. (It always comes back when we visit and I start worrying about the pool all over again.)

So, did I ever tell you about the comment my sister-in-law made last time she was in town? Abby had gone running back to the back of the house looking for another toy (yet again) so I had gotten up to follow her (yet again). My sister-in-law asked why I kept following her back there and I felt her comment implied I was hovering over my child because I didn't let her out of my sight. I told her that with the pool in the back yard, I was not going to let my child out of my sight and there is a door (with an unlocked doggie door) to the back yard right across from the room with the toys in it.

She said, "Cydney would never let Abby go through that doggie door without saying something."

Cydney was 3 years old!

I had to say it. I don't think it went over very well, but I said it.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to leave the safety of my child in the hands of a 3 year old."

She was assuming that Abby would be Cydney's sole focus. That Cyd wouldn't get distracted, ever, by something else she was doing. And she was certainly assuming that her daughter would never put my child UP to doing such a thing, as I'm sure something like THAT has never happened with siblings or cousins!

Seriously. What are people THINKING sometimes?

The Easy Way Out

Last night we went to have dinner with the in-laws. I have come to hate being in their home due to the unfenced pool. I cannot sit down anywhere and see where Abby is at all times due to their funky floor plan, so I'm constantly getting up to go get her and reel her back in to where we are, or else sitting in some room with her away from everyone else so she can play with whatever it is she finds in the toy room.

Well, last night I had a great idea! I sat her down next to me at the edge of the pool and we dangled our feet in the water! What better way to know she is not drowning in the unfenced pool than to put her in it?

It worked like a charm! I sat down and finally relaxed, Marti was able to join me for a while, and my father in law was BBQing, so he was out there, too. I was relaxed, I wasn't secluded, and Abby was able to do something she wanted to do without feeling like "her leash" was being yanked.

It was cute to see her running around in her diaper (because we took her dress off to keep it clean). The relaxation didn't last though. Eventually we had to go in and eat, and then after that, it was time to start patrolling full time again. She did make a couple of comments while we were pool-side that confirmed my concerns about having an unfenced pool with a 2 year old. Also, the dog ran by and Abby sort of jerked away from her and into me, but had nobody been there, she could have fallen into the pool accidentally. THAT is the type of thing that you cannot even plan for, and that is why I insist on a real and complete pool fence over there.

I took these pictures of Abby in her dress yesterday before we went over there. I am taking care of my neighbor's yard while she's away and the pretty flowers over there just begged for a little girl to stand next to the flowers to get her picture taken! Unfortunately, it was HOT (so I had to move fast!) and the sun was behind us, so they are not perfect, but I don't care.





(I am adding this after the fact: I just realized that one little part of the lantana flower is falling as she sniffs it - if you click on the picture to see the bigger version (HUGE VERSION!) you can see it right by the bow! How cool!)

I Did It

Well, my heart doesn't know why, but I gave Abby's crib away tonight. Well, it's officially still here, as they don't have room to store it, and they are still just "trying" (but I think the beautiful girl is pregnant and keeping it mum!), but I promised it to them for when they succeed.

Until now, I managed to not cry.

I WANT them to have that innocent anticipation and joy as well as the glorious success. But my broken heart can't help but weep for the end of MY road. It makes no sense to keep things now, but it HURTS so badly to ....

Nope.

Can't.

Later.

My Daily Dumbass

Well, it's been a while without a formal "Daily Dumbass" post, so here it goes!

Today I was sitting in a hallway at work waiting for a manager to finish a conversation with some customers so I could ask him what was going on with an invoice a different customer called about. As I was sitting there, the owner of the company comes strolling down the hall.

As he walks closer, I say to him, "How's your Monday going?" to which he replied, "Excuse me?"

I repeated myself, chipper as all get-out, and loud and clear, "How's your Monday going?"

He looked at me with a sly grin and shared with me that "Today is Tuesday."

I'm so glad he was in a hurry and kept walking so he didn't see me turn 20 shades of red!!!!

On another, completely unrelated note, I learned today that my all time favorite teacher from grade school died about a year ago. I can't tell you how many times I had considered getting in touch with her to tell her ways that she affected my life. Now that will never happen and I wish I had told her what an influence she was in my life.

Miss Sharon Maxwell, you WILL be missed on this planet!!!!!!

Not the AFTER Picture I REALLY Want to See

Now that the elliptical trainer is in the house, it's time to get to it. Tonight I just situated it where I think it makes sense (so we can see the TV and the view out the window) but I did not actually put the plug on it yet or check out the programs.

I did get on it and give it a little whirl, but I need to fiddle with the resistance and I can't wait for the heart monitor to turn on! I'm sure while I'm at work, Marti will get that all ready to go tomorrow.

For now, here's an after shot of the room. Of course, it's mostly just the piece of equipment, but you can see a pretty good spot of open ground next to it, and that is a HUGE change from before!



Would you look at that thing! It's a MONSTER! Of course, the picture doesn't do it justice, but you have to imagine that thing in a small room. It's funny, but it will do that trick. (I hope!) I guess we should take some before pictures of ourselves for motivation later, huh? (Not for public consumption this time!)

Cleaning Rampage

You can't tell it by looking at my house yet, but I went on a cleaning rampage this weekend. It started with vacuuming the baseboards, which is a concept that, even if your husband KICKS ASS in the housekeeping department, still seems to elude even the best of them. ;) (Love you honey! Really, I do!)

As I was vacuuming the baseboards of the seemingly 13 years of dog fur that had accumulated and somehow (ahem...) missed the last pass of the magical creation called the vacuum (no, seriously, imagine life before them!!!)... Anyway, I digress... I was vacuuming the baseboards and decided to get behind my nightstand and the headboard/bed because they sit out from the wall a little. (Sleigh bed -- large arc -- wasted space) Behind/under the headboard, we threw some extra pillows and you can imagine what they looked like after a few months of housekeeping neglect.

So, after the baseboards, I moved on to the in depth project of washing every single pillow in the house. Even the feather ones. Why do I single out the feather ones? Well, when you put a pair in the washer at night, then wake up to put them into the drier in the morning, there is a chance that you could open the washer to find THIS (especially if you have dogs that like to -apparently not so delicately - play hide-and-seek under the bed where said pillows were stored!):



The wash and dry and repeat routine for many many pillows continued all weekend long. (Side note, those blasted feather pillows - the ones that MADE it through the wash cycle - are still not dry after FIVE rounds through the drier!!!) While that was happening, I focussed on the "guest room" in an effort to make it more "US" friendly, and less "guest" friendly -- seeing as it's been used by guests a total of probably 5 nights since the house was built!) and set my sights on first of all clearing off and removing the bed, and then cleaning out some, if not all, of the junk in there.

Well, I did make progress, but some of it was not as I'd hoped.

Yes, the bed is now in the garage awaiting a long term storage bag, as we do intend to getting a bigger home in the not too distant future and could use it later. (Right now we are still really enjoying the comfort of living well below our means - especially in today's economic climate!) However, the piles of crap just got bagged and stacked in the closet for the most part. Some of it needs to go, as we have never used many of the 57 blankets we got in the year Abby was born. Yet, I know SOME of the bigger ones she could use now that she's in a big bed, so some will stay.

Since we've all but decided we're not going to TTC anymore, all the baby stuff can go, so I made separate bags of outgrown clothes and receiving blankets that will eventually go. What was hard was that basket of maternity clothes that I've been avoiding since the start of my last major funk.

Ouch.

What almost sucked worse than packing it all up was telling Marti that I was making progress in the room, but packing the maternity clothes was rough. No, saying the words was not the sucky part. The sucky part was when he instantly walked out the door and on to something different without saying a word or offering a hug or anything.

Validation of feelings = 0

So, anyway, before I got too far along with the project, something great happened! I had been thinking about an old, old friend this weekend and meant to get in touch with another that I have known equally long to see if she had her contact info still. (Since 2nd grade, and I think we're all turning - or have turned - 40 this year.) Anyway, I don't think I've even emailed this old friend since the early 90s and lost touch back then. Out of the clear blue sky, I got an email from the same friend I was thinking about!!!! GO FIGURE!!!!! What are the chances??? I was literally blown away!

So, in my usual long drawn out way, I have a point. I told her that I didn't have time this weekend to type out all the things I wanted to say to her after all this time since I was really wrapped up in this project, but that I would get back to her very shortly. (And I gave her this link, so maybe she's reading this and knowing I'll get to that email tonight!) I also told her I'd take a picture of the mess before and after, just for her, and post here. So, without further adieu, here is what my guest room has looked like for the better part of two years.







And, finally, the closet with said offending basket of maternity clothes and miscellaneous other baby gear:


Like I said, a lot of stuff just went into compartmentalized bags and into the closet to deal with later, but much of the laundry found a home, and at least the junk is sorted, so when I DO deal with it, it can be small chunks of dealing instead of not knowing where to begin, as it has been.

I'm not ready for the "after" pictures yet, but it's coming along! I discovered the view out of that window is really nice! I watched a quail on the wall, as well as a pretty good sized lizard. Then I saw a covey of quail and uncountable babies running around in the desert across the street from us. It will be a nice view if I can manage a work out routine that starts shortly after my arrival home in daylight hours. If it's dark though, I'm closing the blinds. I don't want to be crazy lady on the elliptical in the open window at night.

Marti had a friend help him pick up the equipment today and get it upstairs. I think based on how much I actually use it (and the effectiveness, too, maybe) he'll add more as we go. One huge outlay of cash at a time, right?

Hope - Damn it to Hell!

Here is a quote from an article I read tonight. Of all the heartbreaking things I read in the 2 pages it took to read it, this one thing jumps out at me the most.

"...in certain cases hope can be an obstacle to emotional recovery."

Here is the article in case you want to read it for yourself and get from it what you will.

Click HERE to read the article

(Someone needs to tell me how to post links, because the link button on my blogger page doesn't work for me!) Thanks Tom for the help!

When I read that one line I forgot all about what else the article said and could only think about the comments Marti made regarding our future attempts at parenthood. (Or lack thereof...) He said in no uncertain terms that he was tired and did NOT want to try to have another baby. No way. No how.

But after a lengthy conversation about unrelated things, he somehow came up with, "But I'm not getting snipped because I want to reserve the right to change my mind."

Are you kidding me?

If the answer was no, I would deal with it. Now I have this THING out there, hanging over me. That big fat unspoken MAYBE.

I can totally relate to that one line in the article, if not others in my own, (have a child, but desperately want one more, so I have more stupid baby shit hanging around my home than you can shake a stick at!), kind of way.

If it was done, it would be done. I would know what I'm dealing with and do my best to deal with THAT.

But now I have this statement from Marti, "I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER BABY" parallel to, "but I want to reserve the right to change my mind."

Am I dealing with one child only now? Am I dealing with a future miscarriage? Am I dealing with multiple miscarriages? Am I dealing with more miscarriages than I would have had to endure if we had started now, because we may get back to it later than my body thinks is appropriate? Am I dealing with the birth of a new baby against odds?

I have no idea what I'm trying to deal with, so I can totally relate to the statement that hope is an obstacle to emotional recovery. We are working some other things out, but I don't feel like I'm recovering from the "we're not going to even try anymore" blow yet.

The Pool Issue, Revisited

Marti called his sister yesterday and she brought up that his mom wants to buy him a ticket to London (his home country) for his upcoming 40th birthday. Marti does not really want to travel with a toddler, especially to London. She won't remember a THING about it, so why take her there now? Also, why go now when every US dollar is worth like 50 cents?!?!?!

So, his sister was asking for ideas for what SHE could get him. Did he want a different trip, etc. (They really don't listen when I tell them I don't get time off for a full year on this new job, do they???? But this is not about me.)

So, he told her that he didn't want a trip, as we have nobody to watch Abby.

She asked him what he meant, that his mom could watch her.

He told me that he then insisted that she could NOT watch her, and that he's still upset about the glaring safety issue at their house, namely the lack of a full and proper pool fence.

He also told me that his mom was sitting right there - more to come on that in a second.

His sister then told him that she had no problem with her mom watching... Well, to be honest, I'm not sure exactly what she said here. Either she said she had no problem with her mom watching our daughter, or maybe she said she had no problem leaving her daughters there (one slightly older, one slightly younger), or maybe she said she had no problem going over there with her kids. Maybe she said she's fine with the (ridiculous garden) fence they put up (in part of the yard and called a pool fence). I don't know exactly because when Marti got off the phone, he said something about NOT saying that we don't have a full time nanny that would be there with the kids at his moms, like his sister's 2 girls have when they come to visit. He bit his tongue there.

But, then his sister put his mom on the phone, when apparently she was sitting there the whole time -- so she HAD to have gotten at least SOME of the gist of the conversation, but there wasn't time for his sister to tell his mom what he said yet.

He talked to his mom for a while, and he said he thinks that as soon as they got off the phone, that he's sure his sister and mom would have talked about what he had just said.

So, there it is again. Now she knows that's why we don't come to visit as much - not just suspects it. Now she knows that is why she has never been allowed to babysit Abby since she learned to crawl and outgrew the playpen.

We are supposed to go over there on Sunday for dinner.

This should be interesting.

Got Called in to the Controller's Office for a Meeting Today

A little bit after 9 am today I got an email from the controller saying he wants to have a meeting and would 10 be ok?

ACK! What did I do? My boss has been gone all week and I don't even have anyone to stress with until 10:00 gets here!!!

Of course, yesterday I got a call from Abby's day care telling me she had thrown up and they couldn't get a hold of Marti and she needed to be picked up.

ACK! Was it that I just emailed him and left without checking in first? It's such a small office that you can't HELP but be accountable for your job and your actions, so I've never felt like it would be an issue if I left. Normally I'm the last one out of the building, even IF I've already put in my 8 hours. So they know me.

But what if that just wasn't OK?

What else could I have done? Why a meeting? Why now? The only other meeting we've EVER had since I started was to announce a promotion of one of our executives.

What did I do????

Well, 10 am was quickly approaching and a manager comes to my desk from another department requesting some info. I told him I could get it for him, but I only had a second. He couldn't tell me the exact account code, so I had to give up, but searching for it for him was driving me batty, and I was going to be LATE!!!!

Um, is THAT was the meeting was going to be about? I am ALWAYS late, but for every minute I'm late, I put in at least twice that. They definitely get a full day out of me.

Well, I finally made it in to his office, a moment before 10:00 and he clears a seat for me. Then as I'm sitting down, he asks me to close the door.

Duh duh DUH!!!!! DRAMA!!!!

Well, it turns out that he just wanted to ask me how I liked my job!!!!! (Was he going somewhere, though???) We talked and I was very candid that I love it so much I want to giggle every day! He opened up and told me that he was glad because in our interview he asked why I was leaving teaching and he wasn't sure what to make of my response. In a way, he was concerned about my dislike of the job and wondered -- get this -- if I had a grasp of reality! HA HA!!!!!

Well, now he knows I'm not typically miserable on the job and that WAS an unusual situation, but I still have not sat down and given him the entire story. Not that it's a "story" per se, it's just that I can go on forever and sound like a real bitch when I start talking about it, and I just don't feel it's entirely appropriate in the office. Especially if he's got other things to do, and especially if he's got kids that age! ;)

I keep meaning to blog about why I hated teaching so I can remember it if I ever get stupid and want to try it a THIRD time! I can't believe all the things I forgot after my first teaching job! What amazes me more, is all the NEW suckiness that teaching has embodied since then.

Positive Changes From Negative Events

By now, If you are reading things in chronological order, you must know all about the fiasco that was this past week.

If you're a regular reader, you also know I deal with intermittent depression and funks. Also, you know Marti has said that he probably doesn't want to have another child, and the reasons for that.

These things all collided in a perfect storm on Sunday.

It all started Thursday night when I discovered the other blog. I felt blindsided at first, and then went OCD to find all my old comments and delete them. I was mortified that people thought my comments were intrusive and just wanted to make them all go away.

RIGHT SMACK DAB in the middle of all this, Marti came home from work early - which rarely happens. He pretty much kicked me off the computer to email his boss on behalf of his friend. Since I was in the middle of something, I sat there and waited for him to finish. This friend, for some reason, has always made me uncomfortable, and then here's my husband, coming home early, tearing into the house, kicking me off the computer to defend her by sort of telling his boss off. Since I disagreed with what he was doing and how he was doing it, as well as what was happening before he walked in, I guess I was glaring at him the entire time.

Backtrack to when I was a teacher -- I was so overwhelmed at that school and by having to take more classes myself that we started to grow a little distant. I thought that with the new, no stress job, that this would change.

Back to this week -- I didn't tell Marti about what was going on when he came home and when I saw what he was emailing, he became the object of my foul mood. When he finished what he was doing, I returned to deleting, and he went downstairs to watch TV.

Fester, fester, fester...

Saturday is my day to sleep in. He does a great job of taking care of Abby - unlike a lot of fathers I've seen. Saturday morning when I finally woke up, they were gone. They didn't return until almost 1:30 in the afternoon, and then they took a nap. I know I like to sleep in, but I don't want to miss almost an entire day with my family. I wish he would have at least TRIED to wake me up and asked me if I wanted to go play with them all morning. Instead, I just woke up to find them gone.

Fester, fester, fester...

Sunday is his morning to sleep in. By this point, I had already decided to leave FF and get back to my real life, as I had been spending too much time there. The distance between my husband and I had been growing over the past year or so, and the new no-stress job wasn't the cure-all I had hoped it to be.

Because I have been feeling this growing distance between us, things have not been GREAT. Over the years, I have tried telling him little things he does that infuriate me. (Such as not, for the life of him, being able to close any number of containers all the way. Ever.) When I tell him, I guess I'm a nag. When he ignores how it makes me feel, I guess I was supposed to just live with it. My way of living with it was to resent him for knowing, yet apparently not caring, that it infuriates me.

Anyway, Sunday I decided to "do something nice for my marriage" as I had heard on a radio spot recently. What the heck. I was making bacon to have with a nice breakfast, had the coffee all lined up to brew, and down he comes. He walked into the kitchen and proclaimed that he was going to the gym.

I was smack dab in the middle of making breakfast for him, and he tells me he is going somewhere else. THEN, he tells me to save him some bacon. ARGH!!!! Before he could leave, I snapped a little and we finally ended up talking. We both have been feeling the distance, but he wrote it off to "all couples go through that after having kids."

More talking to get to the root of things...

We both agreed that we have valid reasons to be upset with one another and brainstormed/named SPECIFIC things we were going to do to change that. We also know that we have more to work out/work on, but we're heading back in the right direction at least.

Some things we are changing:
1. Dishes used to be a sore spot for us. We have 2 very different styles of doing things. I explained my methods and I'm pretty sure he sees that there's a method to the madness, which will eventually lead to him getting more help keeping the kitchen clean. (He stacks dishes, food and all, on the garbage disposal side, making it impossible for me to even clean off my own dishes without taking on the mess that he left. SO, I'd leave my dishes there, too, and then he'd have to do mine to get to his.) He agreed to "store" dirty dishes on the drain side so I could use the garbage disposal as needed. We agreed to alternate weeks of "doing the dishes" (that don't already get done as a result of the new method) so if someone else's dishes are in the sink, they will now just get done instead of us staring at each other, both mad for different reasons.

2. I spend a lot of time online. I could help get the laundry done or clean up other trouble spots in the house in the time that I am sitting there chatting it up. He agreed to actually put my clothes on the hanger right when he does the laundry so I don't have a hanger dent poking out of the back of my shoulder all day, and I agreed to help put more of it away.

3. He flat out said that he does NOT want another baby now. Last time he said he doesn't, but that he might be able to be convinced if I insisted. So, that's going to be hard to take, but it is what it is. If that's how it's going to be, it's almost like I can move on with my life.

To a certain extent, I've let myself go because I always thought we'd be trying for another baby soon, and why bother getting in shape just to have it ruined again? I put it off because every time I turned around, it was "just a few more months, and this obstacle or that obstacle will be removed from our TTC efforts."

If we're not having another baby, we don't need to save the extra bedroom for a nursery. We are going to clear it out and make it into a home gym so we can work out at home. Going to the gym just never worked for me, and especially not since having a kid. It always seems like a big production to get out and get to the gym, so I finally canceled my membership. If I can hop on a treadmill or something at home for 20-30 minutes here and there, things will turn around. What husband would not automatically be psyched about that?

4. The baby clutter in the house is oppressive sometimes. We have such limited space as it is, and I've been saving everything for "the next one." If we're not having another one, we can get rid of all of the baby gear and breathe a sigh of relief in that department, as well.

5. What sucks is that after we calmed down a little, he actually said he was not getting "snipped" because he wanted to retain the right to change his mind later.

Um, ok. Well, so much for KNOWING what I am facing and just dealing with it. Now there's this THING out there that he could change his mind.

Last time I checked, the probability of my bearing another child is directly related to the amount of time that passes. If I have low quantity or quality of eggs and probable early onset of menopause around the corner, when, as I sneak up on 40 in the next 3 months, does he think he's going to change his mind?

I wish he wouldn't have said that part. That complicates things.

A lot.

Cleansing Rain

Within moments of my making what I believe will be my final post on a site I've been attached to at the hip for over a year, the thunder and lightning started here at home.

It is so refreshing to hear the rain patter on the roof and windows. I went outside and just let it fall on my face.

I know what it feels like now when someone describes a cleansing rain. (And I'm not just talking about those welcome showers after a long ride on a dusty trail, just before you make it back to camp!)

Closure and cleansing, all in one night. What more can a girl ask for?

For those of you checking in, thanks for visiting, and thanks for reading. There is more to come from my personal life that is tied to recent events, but one thing at a time. Feel free to check back. This is not my personal private diary, so don't feel bad about looking. I would not have posted my link months ago to thousands of women if I wanted this to remain private.

I have comments moderated, so nothing posts automatically. Feel free to comment if you want, and if you want it to be private, I promise I will not post anything, EVER, EVER if you start it with "PRIVATE, DO NOT PUBLISH" or something to that effect.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

This week has been a banner week for what I'm starting to call "Abbyisms." Abbyisms are those little things she says and does that are so out of the blue, yet so relevant, that they knock me off my feet!

The other day we gave her a cookie and a glass of milk. Normally she doesn't get food and drinks together, as it is too much for her and she ends up distracted and neither eating nor drinking. As she sat down at her little table, she picked up her cookie and looked at us, saying hesitantly as she placed her cookie over her milk, "Can I dip it?" I have no idea where she got this from! She gets all her milk in a sippy cup. But it was pretty damned cute, if you ask me. And yes, of course we let her dunk her cookie!

Then later in the week she was getting dressed and Marti was trying to get her socks on. There were some issues there because she doesn't like the seams on the toes, so she ended up taking over with the socks. She ended up stretching the socks all the way up to her knees instead of rolling them over as usual. Then she said to us, "I'm a baseball player!"

Uh. Yes, you DO look like a baseball player with your long white socks, but, once again, WHERE do you come up with these things, Abby? We don't really watch a lot of baseball here, AT ALL!

Our days are full of little discoveries like this and it is so fun watching her grow and develop into this inquisitive little person.

Last weekend we went to the dinosaur museum and she had so much fun! Unfortunately, there were no pterodactyls there -- those are her favorites! It cracks me up when she sits with her little dino toys and tells me the names for them. She can say pterodactyl perfectly, and it just sounds so weird coming from a two year old!



This last picture has nothing to do with her talking about things, but I ran across it when looking for a dinosaur museum picture for the post. I just think it's the cutest thing!! It is her friend, Everett, and her at a recent game in the bleacher seats outside the suite. Their faces are priceless! Sure, they spent more time running around the suite and dancing than actually watching the game, but this was a fun picture, I thought!