Hope - Damn it to Hell!

Here is a quote from an article I read tonight. Of all the heartbreaking things I read in the 2 pages it took to read it, this one thing jumps out at me the most.

"...in certain cases hope can be an obstacle to emotional recovery."

Here is the article in case you want to read it for yourself and get from it what you will.

Click HERE to read the article

(Someone needs to tell me how to post links, because the link button on my blogger page doesn't work for me!) Thanks Tom for the help!

When I read that one line I forgot all about what else the article said and could only think about the comments Marti made regarding our future attempts at parenthood. (Or lack thereof...) He said in no uncertain terms that he was tired and did NOT want to try to have another baby. No way. No how.

But after a lengthy conversation about unrelated things, he somehow came up with, "But I'm not getting snipped because I want to reserve the right to change my mind."

Are you kidding me?

If the answer was no, I would deal with it. Now I have this THING out there, hanging over me. That big fat unspoken MAYBE.

I can totally relate to that one line in the article, if not others in my own, (have a child, but desperately want one more, so I have more stupid baby shit hanging around my home than you can shake a stick at!), kind of way.

If it was done, it would be done. I would know what I'm dealing with and do my best to deal with THAT.

But now I have this statement from Marti, "I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER BABY" parallel to, "but I want to reserve the right to change my mind."

Am I dealing with one child only now? Am I dealing with a future miscarriage? Am I dealing with multiple miscarriages? Am I dealing with more miscarriages than I would have had to endure if we had started now, because we may get back to it later than my body thinks is appropriate? Am I dealing with the birth of a new baby against odds?

I have no idea what I'm trying to deal with, so I can totally relate to the statement that hope is an obstacle to emotional recovery. We are working some other things out, but I don't feel like I'm recovering from the "we're not going to even try anymore" blow yet.