It's Official - and What That Means

I mentioned to Jessica the other day that I was thinking of trying to get pregnant (REALLY, REALLY TRY) until I am 41 (October) and then give up. Maybe until the end of the year...

I ran that by Marti last night after Jess and Eugene left, and he said, "Maybe." I asked, "Maybe yes, or maybe no?" His response was nice. :) He said, "Yes, we'll try for a while" or something to that effect. It was almost as if he meant longer than the end of the year, but I can't remember the words now. I'm just not sure how much longer I want to try if it means being in my 60s when proposed kid graduates high school -- and that is if we even get pregnant or carry to term --- which, if you know me, is a BIG IF!

I've been wondering how I'm doing in the FSH area these days, and now I have a very legitimate reason to try to find out. Plus, I have a little superstitious streak that wants me to take Cl.omid one more time since I took it for the one pregnancy I carried to term - Abby! I don't really THINK I need it, but SOMETHING was different about that pregnancy and I want to try to recreate as many of the parts of it as possible in order to maximize our chances of success.

Anyway, there are so many angles to this new semi-development that I'm not sure which way to go with it.

I want to see what my FSH is so I can know what our chances are. I suppose if it's really high, it will be easier to give up when my self imposed deadline hits.

I want to see if the one time I had it checked, if it was "accurate." I just can't help but wonder. I don't mean the one test was or was not accurate on its own merits. I just wonder if maybe it varies and I got an especially high reading - or worse, if it read lower than my AVERAGE. The little bit of scientist in me thinks tests should be repeated to gauge the accuracy of the conclusion.

At any rate, it doesn't really matter THAT much what it is. I mean, they said it was high and then I got pregnant with Abby that very week! So, what of it? And if it comes back low, that still doesn't mean I'll get pregnant and carry to term either.

The thing is, I want to take the c.lomid that they give you when you take the test. MAYBE that was the magic charm that brought me Abby. Maybe not. But still, maybe. What's the harm in trying again, right?

Then there's the depression thing. I was given some meds to try, but stopped after the first day when I took too much in error. (The pills come in 2 doses and I took the higher dose first - and it didn't sit well with me.) When I mentioned it to a friend, she showed me where it says there MAY be a chance of birth defects if you take it while pregnant. Ever since then, I've been putting off trying it again since I've been sort of seeing what lack of contraception would bring us. It will be nice to hit that point where I'm done being pregnant (or trying to get that way) so that I can get on with the business of taking care of myself.

Either way, I just feel as if so much of my life right now is waiting for tomorrow that I am missing out on today. OK, OK, so I'm not totally missing it. I mean, I'm here, but just not to the degree I should be. I fret over things that I wish were just one way or the other. It's the uncertainty that drives me a little nuts. I don't know if this is true or not, but I FEEL that if I knew which way it would end up, I would be better off. Let me grieve the loss of what I always thought I'd have, or let me enjoy having it. Just get on with it, is all I ask.