The R.E. Visit

Warning - "girlie" talk. Not graphic, but it's in there. Carry on.

Well, I saw the R.E. today and learned that I have 2 things to worry about - not just one. He just told me that when I saw the first R.E. in 2004/2005, that I was probably dealing with decreased ovarian function since I was less than 40 years old. Now that I'm over 40, chances are I may also be dealing with early menopause, too. Neither help this situation and neither can really be fixed.

However, he thought I should do the CCCT test again (tests FSH) so I can see where I am today. Of course, that means taking a bit of c.lomid again, which may or may not have been what helped when I had Abby. Who knows? But this late in the game, I'll throw just about any lucky charm in my pocket in hopes that it may help.

If my FSH comes back lower than before, then I think that means I'm just dealing with wonky ovary function and I'd probably want to keep trying for a while. He said it can tend to ebb and flow depending on how one's body reacts to itself. (So, am I really my own worst enemy here or what????)

If my FSH comes back higher than before, then I can tell myself with some certainty that I can just give up and move on with the rest of my life as it is - with one child only. And you know what? That's nothing to be complaining about, right?

What I found a little shocking was that this doctor, when reading my prior results but applying them to my current age, would give someone in my situation about a 3% chance of successful pregnancy without any intervention. He flat out told me he would suggest moving on to donor eggs at this point. I think I had to look up the numbers online last time and assume that donor eggs would probably be our only option.

It may be that the last nails are going into my coffin - and I feel more ok with that than I have in the past. I have a lot to look forward to with THIS life. The one I dreamed of would have been nice, but this life is not half bad. :) I'll take it!

I feel so (relatively) good right now because I feel like I'm on the verge of actually knowing one way or another what I should do next. Either way. If I have a good idea that I would be wasting my time and efforts, it will be easier to part with the dream. I think it will probably be strangely comforting to know I can just stop, I suppose.

When I feel this sense of closure looming overhead, it's almost like I don't want the numbers to come back lower. Oh, the set of "what ifs" that would bring me! I'm thinking either way, good news or bad, we try (roughly) until 2010 starts. But if my FSH comes in around 5, then I would probably be more inclined to try HARDER! Then it would just be my age alone that would make me want to stop trying. I know Abby is still relatively young at 3 years old, but we'll still be in our early 50s when she graduates high school. I'm not sure how I feel about sneaking up on 60 as I watch another kid graduate. Being 40 with a small child, I'm tired enough as it is. What will I feel like in my 50s with a teenager? Do I really want to be 60, or close to it, with two teenagers? Looking back at how I was as a teen, I'm thinking one just may be enough.

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Random related-yet-unrelated thought:

When I was in college I saw a poster for a company looking for egg donors. At the time, the process sounded like a lot to take on, but what really made me NOT do it was that at that time, I did not want to get pregnant. With all the drugs they put you on to promote ovulation, they said there's a pretty big risk that you can get pregnant if you're not VERY careful. Well, that is unless you have infertility issues and just don't know it yet! I really, really, really was in no place to get pregnant at the time, so I passed.

Looking back, I wonder if I would have even been able to provide healthy eggs back then or if I would have been an unsuccessful donor after all the effort. How many dreams would have been crushed HAD I donated eggs? It wasn't THAT long before I got my own bad news, after all.

If I knew then what I know now, AND if I wasn't dealing with these issues quite yet, I wonder what I would have done differently. I wonder if I would have tried to have kids even though I wasn't ready, just so I could try to have more than the one that I am already very lucky to have now.

Suppose I knew I would have issues. Suppose I also knew my first marriage would fail. Last I checked, you can't freeze eggs like sperm -- the eggs need to be fertilized first, and then the embryos can be frozen. (Have they worked that egg thing out yet?) Anyway, SUPPOSE I decided to save some eggs while I still could. Um, need a guy to help with the saving part. So, donor sperm? Not-yet-ex sperm and work out the details later? Sympathetic friend sperm? How does one make these decisions????

There are times when I just want to know, and there are times when, I guess, I'm glad I didn't know.