Congrats to Tony and Melissa!

I don't even think they read this, but congrats to Tony and Melissa on their recent wedding!



Abby had enough fun for all of us with Tony's niece, "O." They danced all night long and "O" actually cried when we had to go. It was so sweet. :)

Abby's in the pink dress for those of you that don't know her.



Good thing the dress was on clearance at Walmart so I didn't have to freak out at her trying to do "the worm" on the brick dance floor.


Here we are just before leaving. Looks like the camera picked up on the buzz of the person I asked to take the picture for me! ;)

Stella is Here!

I waited to post this last today so it would be on top out of my three posts.

My friends' baby arrived over the weekend! She's cute, adorable, perfect, and sweet! Mommy let me hold her and she wasn't even 24 hours old yet! I feel so special!

Marti told me I looked uncomfortable with her, but she was just so small!!! I forgot how little they can be and I wanted to make sure I supported her head and all that. Meanwhile, she had just left her mommy, so she started crying a little. OK, so I was nervous. I'm not going to pretend I wasn't. :)

BUT, when I got that baby over my shoulder instead of cradle style, it was like home. I do remember THAT!

I am so happy for my friends! It's been a rough "last few weeks" for the whole family, and I think things are finally settling down. I can't believe I didn't even GET the email announcing her arrival! I got a text from her in the afternoon and realized I missed something. haha!!!

I want to tell you all about it, but it's not my story to tell and I don't even know if she wants it shared with the vast unknown. I remember her sister saying she wrote it all down the best she could, but that is on a password protected site, so I'm thinking they are feeling a need for privacy, which I'll honor until I hear otherwise.

God, I can't believe she's finally here! I remember the day she texted me thinking she GOT pregnant!!! I was still just getting over my miscarriage this summer and was in New York. That seems like a lifetime ago! I remember getting home and wanting to drive a pregnancy test (25 minutes) out to her so she would test, but she has way more patience than I and declined the offer that day. I guess that will come in handy now that she has an infant and a toddler. ;)

All the best in life to you, S! And to you, too, J, E, and E!!!!

Spray Tan

My friend, Tony, is getting married Sunday. I remembered I have a black dress from the UOP holiday party that might actually fit me and decided I could wear that to the wedding.

I tried it on, and it's going to work, except for the fact that I am the pastiest white girl on the face of this earth. White legs and black dress just tend to make me cringe.

So I got a spray tan after work today!

I am not supposed to wash until 4 hours later (right about now). I wonder how much of this will stay after a shower? I wonder because my face seems REALLY dark compared to normal. Because of this, it just looks dirty to me!

I'm going to take a picture before and after the shower and post here. Tell me what you think. (More to come... Stay tuned.)

ETA: I guess I'm more vain than I thought because I am now refusing to post the pictures. :) Well, they don't really show what I was talking about anyway, so it's partly that. It's that plus I just look awful in them. So, no pictures. That's that.

Potential for Misinterpretation

So, the job is good. I like it a lot. I was describing part of it to a friend today and she commented that it sounded monotonous. Uh, yea!!! :) I told her it's like pulling weeds. It's very mundane sometimes, but it's GREAT in that sense that I can see when it's DONE (or getting there) and I can walk away from it at the end of the day! She and I both like gardening, so the analogy worked.

Anyway, along those lines, I ran out of things to do for one part of my job and started in on something I've been putting off until I get more familiar with navigating through the system since it involves calling customers and discussing account histories.

Basically, what happened was I called a customer I was not really supposed to call. Apparently the location where the problem originated handles it's own problems. However, there was a printout from the woman before me and the last notes she wrote said, "Credit already applied, call him in the morning." OK. So I called. ;)

When all was said and done, I got the problem figured out, so he won't be bugged again. That's good, right?

Well, apparently he called the other location and dug into them because I called him when the issue was supposed to be resolved. But it wasn't. Not at that time.

What happened was each location was working with different information and the pieces were not fitting together. This could have gone on forever!

Anyway, my boss told me about the controversy with me calling and explained why I can't call on that location's issues anymore. Hey, that's cool with me! ;) Seriously - it's no sweat off my back.

So, she took off for a break, and while she was gone, I SNAPPED my nail bed in a HUGE three ring binder! I shouted one word when it happened. (Oh, I forgot to mention that my office is SILENT!) What do you think that word was? I should say, "KNOWING ME, what do you think that word was?"

Well, it was "OUCH!" Go figure! So, I started laughing because it hurt so badly, the girl next to me was on the phone when I yelled, and because I only yelled OUCH! For some reason, at the time, I thought that was the funniest thing in the world!

So funny, actually, that I started CRYING!!!!! Seriously!

THEN, I laughed even harder at the thought of my boss coming back and walking into all of this!

Think about it. She left just moments before after having to pass along a scolding from a manager at another location.

I imagined her walking in on me thinking I was crying hysterically because I got scolded!!! hahaha!!!! In reality I was laughing, but to the person that missed the whole finger getting snapped in the binder thing, it would have looked like I was crying only.

I found that too funny.

Hey, at least if I would have gotten yelled at for making too much noise, I would have at least had all my work done, right? :)

Irony

I was driving home from work and couldn't help but notice the irony. A little SUV was rolling along, and it had 3 window stickers. One was HUGE and white on a dark tinted window background. It read "187 INC" which some of you may know, 187 is slang for killing a cop. The other was smaller and not so obvious -- brass knuckles as featured on the 187 INC website.

The third decal is where the irony comes into play.

"Aloha"

In case you're not "all over it" yet, here's a blurb I picked up that sort of sums it up as well as anyone could:

Aloha. 1. Aloha, love, affection, compassion, mercy, sympathy, pity, kindness, sentiment, grace, charity; greeting, salutation, regards; sweetheart, lover, lover, loved one; beloved, loving, kind, compassionate, charitable, lovable; to love, be fond of; to show kindness, mercy, pity, charity, affection; to venerate; to remember with affection; to greet, to hail. Greetings! Hello! Good-by! Farewell! Alas!

Aside from the irony, what is the matter with people that they feel the need to glorify killing a cop and that people actually buy gear with this logo on it? Yes, they actually do -- I had an ex-student who I had to confiscate a hat like this from because he kept wearing it to 8th grade! I said his dad could pick it up if he wanted it back. He got it back, but not after hearing a bunch of shit from his dad. One of his dad's best friends is a cop. You can imagine how well that went over when he saw the hat his son made him come pick up!!!

WHY?????

I just decided to try to be good and see what it does for my figure. I decided to forgo the fish and chips at lunch the other day (read below), and coincidentally, Marti actually started reading my blog and saw that I made that first step.

So, what does my sweet man do? He comments how it's great that I'm being good. He's happy -- and I'm pleased that he's happy. It felt good. I had a nice little tomato and corn salad for dinner tonight. I have a little motivation. I'm clinging to it.

It's bedtime for Abby and I go to get some ice packs for her milk (that she inevitably wakes up wanting whenever we FORGET to bring some up in her little cooler at night) and what do I see in the freezer?

HIS AND HERS DULCE DE LECHE PINTS!!!!

They are screaming at me right now. I have so far resisted tonight, and I gave him a little shit on the phone about it, too. He was being nice by getting me one, but just not too terribly helpful in his efforts. :(

Hey Marti, I know you're reading this. I love you, but if you want skinny Lisa back, I need a little gentle support. Not the diet and exercise Nazi. Not the his and hers pints. Somewhere in the middle will be nice.

"I'm just sayin'..."

;)

Cutting the Apron Strings

Well, the woman who is retiring has left the building. I am officially on my own now.

I will not have her RIGHT THERE to ask questions any more. :( She was great about that, too! She'd come over to my desk instead of making me bring everything over to her. I was impressed with that. She is older and had a little back problem, so it would have been just as easy to tell me to come to her every time. That's how most everyone else would do it, right?

A few of us went out for lunch to celebrate her last day. I picked up the check to see what I owed, and the controller told us he was paying for the whole thing. :) Woo hoo! That was WAY cool! I was not expecting that!

I was good and did NOT get the fish and chips, but got the seared ahi sandwich with wasabi mayo instead. And, instead of french fries, I got fruit with it. AND, instead of a soda, I got iced tea. I wonder if I can get back to something resembling my old body without going ALL OUT? I'm not an exercise nut and I like food. It's kind of what we DO for entertainment here now! UGH!

Anyway...

My manager has a list of things she wants me to take over for her that the other woman did not do. It will be good for me to get to know all these things and build my skills!! She also said that sometime later, she's going to send me to some classes. I LOVE IT! Today she told me a great story about how she ended up in this company. She had just come back from maternity leave and had to take a day off because her son had an ear infection and could not go to daycare for 24 hours. Her new manager was a bitch and told her she felt that she was not giving 100% because of the day off! She WROTE HER UP!!!! WTF?

Anyway, she happened to get a call that same day (randomly) from our controller who asked how her job was going! (I guess he used to work there before, also.) She went to see him on lunch and was offered the job!

How vindicating must it be to go back that same day and be able to confidently turn in your notice??? :) I thought that was so great!!!

I like her a lot and we seem to "play well together." I have a feeling I am REALLY going to like this job!

Here is a picture of the view from my new desk.










It's odd to not be totally distracted by jets right behind you all day! (I'm thinking some are only like 100 feet away from me as they prepare to taxi back to the runway!) I see people coming and going all day (today and yesterday it was NASCAR racers and their crews.) and I wonder what they are doing that they require a private jet. I wonder about the story for each of the take offs and landings. Most of them just look like regular people -- even a few pets!!

A couple days ago I guess we had an ex-president land and take off in the course of a day. I missed the whole thing!!! WTF?

I also got to go up in the old air traffic control tower that we have on the premises. Our retiree's husband was there and wanted to go up, so a bunch of us tagged along. I guess he was up there in the 40s when it was actually in use! He told us a funny story about how they had a bucket for the guys to go to the bathroom in and they dropped it over the edge by a rope! Seriously! How bad does it have to be that you don't climb up and down the stairs to take care of things?

Granted, the tower is only 1/3 of the original height now (so as not to compete with the new tower and safety reasons associated with that) but I still can't imagine peeing (or POOPING!!!!!) in a bucket instead of climbing the stairs -- even 3 times! Sure, if you had an emergency, the bucket would be a good idea. I guess maybe they couldn't be away from their post that long? OK, now I think maybe it was a good idea now that I think of that! It was tiny, after all. Perhaps there was not enough staff to allow for long breaks like that.

So, anyway, it was fun to go up there. It's a piece of local history and not everyone gets the opportunity to go up there. I'm sure my dad will just about pee himself when he hears I got to go up in the tower!

On another note, I need to get in touch with my friend who works for the FAA. I think he may be in the REAL tower!!! Last I heard he was planning on moving back to the valley from OKC! He has a nasty habit of changing his email address to match his location, so I don't have a current email on him. UGH! I'll have to do some digging this weekend and see what I can turn up. We're way overdue for some chicken wings together!!!!

Gil was USED!!!!

I have a video of my fish's shadow on the wall in one of my posts. So far, it's my only video on here.

Today I got a notice in my email that someone has subscribed to my YouTube videos so they can see if I add anything new. OK. I figured I didn't know the name, but it could be one of my FF friends or just a lurker from there, and I'm cool with that.

I, of course, clicked on the link to see if there is anything on her site to give me a clue as to who subscribed, but the only thing there was P.O.R.N!!!!! Aggghhhhh!!! Great, my fish was used to try to get me to watch someone's naughty site.

Should I tell him someone pretended to be an admirer but was just using him? Do you think he'd be offended? ;)

Car Issues

I drive Marti's old car. We got an SUV, so he drives that now. His old car is fine. It's a Honda and I like Hondas. But, it's starting to piss me off!

Yesterday the back passenger window dropped down into the door and would not come back up! This is the 3rd (out of 4) windows to do this in the past year!! The first one we took to the dealer and it was like $400 to fix it. The second, Marti took to a local shop and they did it for just under $200. This one I had done at the same place for the same price again.

The 4th window doesn't work either, but at least it's stuck in the UP position, and not a real security issue at least. Oh, and if it was my drive through window, I'd be all over getting that one fixed, too!

So, all 4 windows have shit the bed on me since I took over this car. Marti, in his rage and haste, proclaimed that he will never buy another Honda, and that I was not to ever roll the windows down again.

[snicker]

As if. I told him that was unreasonable.

After visiting the shop, I also shared that they said this happens all the time here, and to all makes of cars.

My theory is it was because it's a black car and it got hotter in the door than with our other cars. That's why it only happened to this one.

So, the window issue is under control now.

BUT, it's got an ELECTRICAL problem, too! It shuts down while I'm driving it! The tachometer drops suddenly and the radio dies, but only for a second, then it turns right back on. I am, of course, still rolling along, and sometimes barely notice it if I'm not listening to the radio. But that doesn't mean it's not happening. And it's unnerving!!!

When I was teaching, I made him switch cars with me when it started so I didn't have to worry about not making it in on time with 35 obnoxious 8th graders standing in the hall waiting for me and no lesson plans typed up all pretty on my desk. I was nearly crying the first time it happened and I had that threat of not making it to school the whole time I was driving in to work! (It happened as soon as I got on the freeway a couple of times, and then about once a minute or so for the last 15 miles of my drive)

At least with the new job, if I'm late it's not going to be the end of the world. It will suck and I will look bad, but not as bad as if I was still teaching and this happened.

So, I'm driving this thing around, knowing it could die at any minute. And summer is looming. Did I mention it gets a little warm in Phoenix in the summer?

I asked the guy at the shop if he could check it out while I was in there yesterday. His response: "I can't do a thing if it's intermittent. I have to wait until it fails."

Great. I can't fix it even if I wanted to now. I'm stuck with this monster of a threat sitting in the back seat everywhere I drive. At least I don't drive anywhere with Abby in the car during the hot time of the day, so that if it does fail when she's with me, it wouldn't be the end of the world.

You know, this is why I got rid of my Civic! I was student teaching and it kept dying! Except when it died, it DIED! I'd be stuck on the side of the road for 15 minutes sometimes longer before it would start up again. They couldn't figure that one out either! I got sick of it, didn't want to be a "no show" at school for my student teaching, and traded it in on a Nissan on an impulse purchase the day before the registration was due on the Civic. I didn't even tell my ex-husband I was buying a car! I just came home with it. Done. I was so done with sitting on the side of the road unexpectedly and not knowing if I should call for help or just wait it out.

Will I end up in the same boat again? At least (so far) the Accord keeps rolling when it happens, so maybe not.

And I can't help but think, am I doing something to cause this???? Is it something about the way I drive?

Putting the Pieces Together

I have been on the job 4 days now and I'm starting to "get it." Some things were not difficult to do, but if I had to do the same thing in a slightly different way, I couldn't do it. I locked up. It's because I had no context for what I was doing to make those small leaps from one method to the next. (Each location I work with does things slightly differently.)

Today the woman I am replacing showed me some small errors I made yesterday. At the time I was doing it, I didn't know what I was doing or why. As she originally was showing me how to do this thing, I must have missed a step as I was taking notes on the process and the keystrokes I'd need to use. So, I kept screwing it up.

Also, she uses WAY too many pronouns for my liking, and it makes for a lot of very unclear instructions. "You do that just like you did that other one, and this is just like those that we did before." I know "before" isn't a pronoun, but it also is not concise, as I need these instructions to be if I am to understand WTF she is talking about. I mean, BEFORE? Before when? I've been there 4 days. Does she mean an hour ago? Two hours ago? A day ago?

There are a lot of processes I'm learning, none of which apparently have a name. :( I am never more lost as when she tries to explain something to me verbally. I need visuals. I need to touch the keyboard and flip through the papers myself. And if you're going to describe something verbally, for the love of Pete, please use concrete terms instead of vague pronouns.

Anyway, I returned to one stack today to finish up where some pieces were waiting to come in since the last time I worked on it. It was nice. Instead of just thinking there was something wrong, I was able to pinpoint exactly WHAT was wrong, how to get back to it in the system, and how to fix it. That was a nice moment today. That, and learning there's another guy in the office that doesn't work as early (and leave as early) as the rest. Turns out he used to sit in the desk I'm sitting in, do this job, and actually developed some of the organization methods they use in my office. If I get stuck after everyone leaves at 4pm, I still have someone to look to for info now. Phew! What a relief!

All in all, I think I'm going to like it a lot. I love watching the people work outside as the planes come and go. I feel like "we" really do something necessary, which I need to feel good about my job. I have had jobs before where I wonder if society would even notice if we were gone. With THIS company now, people would REALLY notice if we were gone! :) The office is quiet, which is a nice change from the science lab with the 8th graders. :) I can get a lot more work done. When I get work done, I feel better about myself. This is a good thing.

Also, you gotta love when owners are not too "big" or too busy to stop and eat some of Abby's excess Easter candy from the basket on my desk. ;) I love when they sit and pick their favorite colors. I find that endearing, and I don't even know them yet. They just seem so REAL! That is so refreshing!!!

Easter Pictures - by popular demand ;) (Suzy!!!)

So, I was talking to an online friend and she asked when I was going to post pictures of Abby here. Well, she had an adorable little dress on for Easter, so why not start peppering the blog with her now?

And because she was so serious in the first two, here's one of her laughing at Grandma: (If you click on it to look at the larger one, you can see her upper lip dimples!!!)



I'm sure I'll add more pictures later when I figure out how to link thumbnails (HEY KAREN! HOOK A SISTER UP!), but these will do for now. (ETA: Thanks for the help, Karen! I think I got it now.)

As for the rest of Easter, I had more candy than I know what to do with, so I brought it all to my new job to shamelessly pawn off on my new coworkers.

We had extra ham because my in-laws did not make it, so I'm thinking about a ham and white bean soup. Mmmmmmmm!

And, I think I have about 24 eggs, so I'll be deviling here shortly! Oh! I can make egg salad for my lunches, too! I love making egg salad WITHOUT ONIONS! Nobody ever makes it without onions and I can never eat it. :( This time it will be my salad, my way. Hmph!

Aw Geez! Another Daily Dumbass!

One of my dogs has really bad allergies. We have to give her pills so she doesn't scratch herself raw.

She was running low, so I called in for a refill and picked that up last week. Now she has two of the old ones left and I couldn't find the new bottle! I was cleaning up the kitchen yesterday and put it somewhere, but I couldn't remember where!

It was a safe spot. I had someone's dog eat a whole bottle of meds once before when I spent the night at a friend's, so I didn't leave it out. (Thankfully, that ordeal turned out fine.)

I looked in all the cabinets and drawers. I thought maybe I stuck it in my purse.

Gosh, where did I put that? She NEEDS these pills and the vet is closed Sunday and Monday. If I didn't find it soon, I'd have to call and beg for another refill and spend another $40 on something I already bought!

I put them someplace safe. Someplace that makes sense. I was logical about it. I remember thinking that as I tucked them.....oh....where did I tuck them?

It was up away from where Abby can get them.

Oh, well. Just use one of the old ones and it WILL turn up, right?

So, I go to get one of the required treats in order to get the pill into the dog...

Sometimes I'm so smart I come all the way back around to stupid!

Tell Me I'm NOT Getting Sick!!!

It's just a cold, right? Maybe allergies?

I have been fighting this crud all week, and wouldn't you know it, the day I DID got to the doctor for something unrelated, I was feeling better, so I didn't mention this. Now it's back with a vengeance.

TMI warning!!!

I start and end my day with a towel over my head and my head over a sink of HOT water, trying to get the steam in to loosen it all up in there. It's a pretty sight, my working to get it all out.

So, do I go to the doctor again, or do I just suck it up and let my body work it out?

I heard green means an infection. I have it in my nose and coming up out of my lungs now. I don't have time off from the new job yet -- heck, I haven't even started yet! So, if I go to a doctor, it will be an urgent care center. $75 to walk in the door and it could just be a cold.

I hate this.

What should I do?

My Daily Dumbass

You saw the title of this post and thought I was going to rip on someone else, didn't you??? Well, I'm not. "My Daily Dumbass" will be posted whenever I have a dumbass moment, only because I laugh at other people all the time and enjoy an opportunity to share the same of myself. So, feel free to laugh at me for any of my "Daily Dumbass" moments.

Today was when I realized I forgot to put out mustard for the corned beef and cabbage I went to so much trouble to make. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I mean, if I didn't realize it until the day after, I guess that meant it was good enough without the requisite mustard, right? And if my mom and dad wanted some, they would have surely asked, right? I'm no shrinking violet that would cry if they corrected my hostess skills and had to remind me to put mustard on the table.

Oh, well. I'll be sure to remember it next decade when I remember to get corned beef again.

Progress

Sweet! I figured out how to embed a video on the blog. I'm pretty pleased with myself for having accomplished it in one try.

While I was at it, I added a site meter. I will need to fix it so it doesn't count my own visits. That would be lame to count myself as a visitor.

Nothing like boosting my self confidence just before starting the new job. :)

Back to Work Soon

Tomorrow is my last "day off" between jobs. It is glorious outside, so when Mom asked if I wanted to go out to lunch, I jumped at the chance! Marti is home during the day, so he got to join us. What a treat!

We found a restaurant nearby that had available patio seating and we enjoyed our meal and the weather, and a drink. Ahhhhhh! This is the life!

I'm just starting to get used to this and now it's all but time to go back to work. :( I have tomorrow off, then the weekend (which I would have had off anyway, so I'm not counting that) and then my first day on the new job. I'm strangely not nervous. But I am bummed that my life of leisure is over. I don't think I even get sick time for a year! (OUCH!)

ON ANOTHER NOTE:
I came home yesterday to some WEIRD flowing shadows on my dining room wall. It took me a while to figure out what it was, but eventually I did.

It was the shadow of our beta fish, Gil! The sun was just peeking through the kitchen door, through his little bowl, and onto the wall. As he swam around, his shadow did too -- on my wall! I'll try to catch it again today on video and post it. It was truly intriguing!



AND FINALLY:
I'm cooking corned beef with cabbage tonight. You can look at it as late for St Patty's day, or early for Easter, depending on who's customs you're following.

I learned "corned" refers to the salt curing of the beef so it doesn't spoil. Some of the salt crystals they used to use were as large as corn kernels.

You learn something new every day, right? Well, at least we hope to.

Not my Best Night as a Mommy

Today was great. I need to be productive to feel valuable. I need to feel valuable to get out of my funks. I got a lot done in the back yard today in preparation for Easter Dinner -- and it's all very VISIBLE when you walk out in the back yard, so I got a high sense of satisfaction from my efforts.

I picked up Abby early so she could play while it was still light. I know she's been wanting to ride in her little jeep she got from Mom and Ron for Christmas and it's been in the garage hiding for a couple of months since it lost its "brand-new-ness." I figured I'd put the jeep outside and let her play while I continued working. A win-win situation.

Oh, crap. If you are reading this, you may not know about her eating issues. Ugh. She eats like a bird, to the point where specialists have been involved. (More on that later?)

OK, so after play, we came in for dinner. Her favorite it mac and cheese. Easy enough, right? Well, she takes an hour to eat a half a cup of prepared mac and cheese!!!! It drives me nuts. I try to let her lead so she doesn't feel rushed and puke (oh, yea, she pukes a lot when eating...), but then it drags out for.ev.er!!!!!!!

I am thinking I may need to step up as a parent and SHOW her how it needs to be. I got her new baby doll clothes today and thought if I told her she could play with them after dinner, she'd get down to it on her own. Right? Right??????

No.

Dilly, meet Dally. Dally, meet Dilly.

O.M.F.G!!!!!

Well, at least I don't have 130 papers in my car waiting to be graded anymore while this is all happening!

Eventually, she had a meltdown over all of this!!! It was time for bed, she still needed a bath, she hadn't eaten her dinner - was actually faking it by putting it in her mouth and then BLEH-ing it on the floor. (I would say spitting it on the floor, but that sounds too forcible for what she was actually doing. She just let it drop from her mouth.)

She was yelling at me from the kitchen to go away. (Rip my heart out, why don'tcha', kid!) She was yelling at me for what she WANTED, but do I give in to her like that, or is now when the groundwork is supposed to be laid? A friend with no kids mentioned her observation that I cave to her crying, but on that occasion it was purely selfish so I could enjoy my friend's company that day without interruption.

Is there a happy medium? Is there an appropriate response to your child screaming at you?

I gave her space and sat on the stairs, but it just dragged on (kind of like this post) until I had to do SOMETHING different. She was going to puke if I didn't get her to stop crying. Luckily, she had boogers that needed wiping, and that turned out to be our common ground.

Who would have thought!?!?!?!

Anyway, we made up over the Puffs Plus and the rest of the night was great until she rested her head on the pillow and hit the reset button.

Ahhhhhh.

Bye Bye Baby (clothes)

Today was bitter sweet. I have a good friend who is due on tax day. It's a girl. She has a boy that was born 3 weeks after Abby. I'm not pregnant along with her this time. I was still recovering from my last miscarriage when she called to tell me she thought she could be pregnant. So, not being pregnant with her again is more than just NOT being pregnant. It's that I WAS pregnant again, and would have been pregnant with her again had it not been for the miscarriage.

I offered up all of Abby's clothes in case she needs a wardrobe and she accepted, along with some other gear I had. Today I drove it out to her and we went through the bins (six 72-gallon plastic tubs!), and boxes (2 Costco sized Huggies boxes and one Costco sized wipes box), and bags (3 small trashcan liner bags) piece by piece deciding what she wanted or not. It took us from 1:30 until 5 (including 2 snack breaks).

Side note: it's amazing how stains show up AFTER you wash and put baby clothes away!

It was fun seeing her again. Even though I've been off work, I hardly saw her at all. I have no idea what I did with my (nearly) 2 months off!!!!

It was good to get rid of at least some of the junk that clutters my home. (Although I did manage to still take home 5 bins of stuff she didn't need - just not as tightly packed as it was when I brought it.)

I didn't realize until after I left that I was sad. It was nothing she said or did. It was just that feeling that she was pregnant and I was not. It snuck up on me when I was not expecting it. Looking at all those tiny newborn clothes was hard. Giving them to her was NICE, but still hard because of what it ended up meaning when I thought about it.

She kept saying she couldn't guarantee there would not be stains when she was done with them and to not give her anything important. Well, it's just clothes, first of all. I have no idea if I'll ever need them at all, let alone have a GIRL if I am lucky enough to carry a pregnancy to term again. Also, most of what I had was hand me downs from my aunt and gifts. Why not put them to use?

But still, after I left I was a little sad that I parted with it all and that I desperately want to need them back, but may not. I think that is what got to me.

Dammit! Just when I thought I was coming out of my funk.

Phhhttt!

Little Breakdown

I think I had a little breakdown today. All the stress of job hunting (or not in some cases when I should have been) finally flooded out.

I think I'm getting a bladder infection since I feel like I have to pee and then there is just a dribble. I'm prone to them. Something about the shape of my bladder, I think. Anyway, I call my new doc to see if I can get in, and there's a spot this afternoon. I take it, but then she takes it back!!! I can't get in to see her because I'm a new patient (technically) since I have not been to see her since 2002! I have to wait 3 days now! I dread how this will feel in 3 days! At least I'm not starting the new job yet. Nothing like feeling you're going to pee your pants on a new job!

So, I hung up with my later appointment and started crying. I thought I had a grip and left the bathroom where I was hiding to make the call (my house was loud today!) and I SLAMMED my finger in the door!

That was it! I snapped! Poor Marti had no idea what to do to make it better because he had no idea what started all of this! It wasn't the finger. It wasn't even the doctor. It was this last month spilling over.

So, that's it. I cried like a big baby today. And I feel better finally.

It's been weird being home with Marti all this time. I have WANTED to cry a few times in the frustration of the job hunt, but didn't do it so he wouldn't be subjected to it. I just had no outlet for my frustration and it was starting to show. With me home 24/7 and with him home 24/7 neither of us got any "me" time.

It will be nice to get back to normal!!!

First Post

Today I just don't feel right. I don't know what is wrong specifically, but there is something wrong.

For now I think I'll keep the blog private just to give myself an outlet for what I'm thinking.

I've been off work 2 and a half weeks since I quit teaching. I need to get a new job, but I am finding just LOOKING for a job takes more effort than I have to offer right now.

I'm in a funk.

This happens to me once in a while, but this has been far longer than I can even remember this time. I have moments of lightness, but I don't go more than a few hours until I'm back in my funk.

This isn't working for me right now. I'm going to stop.

Archives

Everything in this blog that is older than this date has been transferred in from my old online pregnancy journal(s). I'm not sure I want to keep it up over there if I have this site going. It kind of came to a close over there after Abby was born, but I don't want to lose everything, so I post pretty meaningless stuff just for the sake of posting in order to keep it active/open.

It will take a while to transfer it all over, so if you're wondering where it all came from, that's it.

Here's the original if you want to see it complete with any pictures:

Click HERE

Time to re-up my time here on the pregnancy journal -- even though we're not even trying for a few more months now. I have new insurance since I quit my job, and I can't deliver until after December 1, so I'm thinking March, but April would be safer.

April. Wow. Last time I was pregnant was on an April cycle. Hard to imagine almost a year has passed since then.

This sucks.

IF we get pregnant again, I'm sure I will forget all about this and be happy to have another child and a sibling for Abby, but seriously -- right now sucks!

Get your sleek little swim cap on egg and sperm! Be ready this time and don't screw it up. Got it? I want none of this half-assed fertilization crap next time. I want a real zygote; a strong fetus; and I want it all to end with a screaming baby.

Cats can do it. Mice can do it. I've seen all the birds in my backyard, and apparently they are REALLY good at it! What's wrong with me???

Looks like another miss in the pursuit of Abby's sibling. I was sure we had it this time, due to the "high" rating of our timing this cycle. We've never gotten that before -- not even with Abby or the last pregnancy.

Dang.

OUCH! I just got an email saying my (BOL) account will expire soon and I need to log in before it goes away. I forgot about this journal and thought it was Abby's journal.

I logged in and there was the +HPT staring me in the face. Um, yeah. Not there anymore. Not due in 153 days like it says.

I'm sitting here still no period, yet no +HPT either. I know it's just the progesterone meds delaying onset of period, but still I seem to hang on to hope that we hit the nail on the head this month. Probably not though, right? Nothing like seeing the old +HPT on a day like this.

Like I said, OUCH!!!! Of all days! Well, it could have been worse. Maybe the day I actually GET my period would have been worse.

The Beginning of The End

This was actually posted on another site, but today, a year later (7/11/08), I decided to move it over here, as it is practically my only record of what was happening at the time.

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I now am at 9 weeks 3 days with 2 previous miscarriages. Since this is the point where they estimated the second miscarriage to have stopped growing and heart stopped, I got nervous and asked doc to check for a heartbeat for me yesterday.

On transvaginal ultrasound there was a fetus measuring 8 weeks 1 or 2 days but no heartbeat.

It was easy to decide with the last one to D&C because there was a heartbeat and then it was gone at 12 weeks.

With this one I never had an early ultrasound or saw a heartbeat, so how do I know it just hasn't started yet? It's measuring small, so maybe it's a slow starter?

I've seen stories of heartbeats starting in the 7th week. What about 8th (measurements) or 9th (gestational age)? Is it possible?

I told doc I want to wait a week and rescan to be certain before I decide on what I want to do. A week should show some growth at the very least, if not a heartbeat if it's going to get going.

I'm quite certain of my dates. LMP was April 30 and I charted my temps, so I know ovulation was on CD17. I had one slight spot on 9DPO and +HPT on 12DPO.

Have you ever seen anything like this that had a positive outcome? What is the latest you've seen a heartbeat start when there was not a problem FINDING the fetus?

Re-discovered another journal

(2/25/09)

I keep forgetting (blocking out?) that I had another journal that I started during my last pregnancy. Every once in a while they email you and let you know it will go away if you don't post something there once in a while. I always forget about it until something like that reminds me of it.

So, today I got my reminder and I visited the site. I moved all the posts over here (as few as there were) as well as my last +HPT. :( Funny how something that once made me so happy can make me so sad now.

Perspective is a bitch.

I was nervous today so I called doc and got in at 2:30. They took me to a room with an ultrasound and did a scan. I saw a baby in there and it was on top of the sac, not sitting on the bottom like a rock in a glass of water, so it was hopeful at first. But then there was no flutter.

Dr. Newman came in to confirm. No heartbeat, confirmed.

I'm still waiting a week to be sure, even though I know at over 9 weeks there has to be a heartbeat. What's the harm in giving it one more week at this point? I don't have to go to work for a month, so I have time.

Today was the first day that I had enough energy upon waking that I actually felt like getting out of bed! Yeah!

The whole day went well in that respect and I'm hoping it stays this way for a while! I've been so tired up until now that I haven't gotten a thing done!

It's hot outside.

My A/C is set to 85.

Why am I sitting under a blanket??

Tonight sucked. I felt like crap again and Abby just wanted to play. She has a way of climbing up and down and up and down and rolling around on me when we watch tv. Normally I let her and the worse thing is just the bruising since I bruise so easily.

This time I just couldn't deal with it and I didn't know what to do. I tried explaining to her that I didn't feel good, but not until I started crying did she understand a LITTLE bit.

I tried feeding her just before bed since she hadn't eaten much all day and on the last bite she gagged and barfed all over! On her, on the chair, on the floor, on me. It splatted on the floor when I picked her up... Ugh. Just what a girl wants to deal with when she feels like crap.

I was bad and just cleaned Abby up in the sink and put her to bed. Marti came home to the mess and took care of the rest for me. He didn't complain at all. He's such a good husband.

Went out to dinner and wasn't feeling great to start. It got to be one of those, "we'd better get there quick, because hungry sickness is going to trigger morning sickness" kind of feelings.

We ate some bread to start and that made me feel better, but as soon as dinner was done, I was right back where I started. I didn't quite feel like puking yet, but I did not feel GOOD by any stretch of the imagination.

Marti had a beer and a wine, so asked me to drive. I didn't want to, but figured it was the smart thing to do. He was strapping in Abby in the back seat and I was sitting in the driver seat, and I just started crying. I was getting sicker and sicker and the thought of throwing up in the parking lot in front of the place we just ate was making me really upset.

He came up front to sit and noticed I was crying and drove me home. I was practically hyperventilating half the way home. Looking out the side window usually makes me feel better, but it was making it worse since I had new sunglasses on that pull out some freaky colors in the tint. I think they are polarized or something.

Anyway, I was pretty much better by the time we got home, but still not feeling GREAT, so I took it easy the rest of the night.

I'm not feeling symptoms to speak of. MAYBE my boobs are getting a little sore - I don't know. I've only thrown up that once, and it was more like choking than being queasy, so I'm not even sure if that counts as morning sickness.

I filled in the rest of the dates in my book that I looked at every day with my other pregnancies. When doing so I noticed the days I miscarried before. I've officially passed one of them. I would have been yesterday. That is how far our first pregnancy got before I lost it.

So, that is a small piece of good news for this one. We've officially passed one of my self-imposed milestones towards good health.

Not that I want to be sick or uncomfortable, but some symptoms would be a little comforting. I keep doing tests to make sure it still registers. I only have the OPK ones, so I hope they work well enough as an HPT and they aren't tricking me. :)

I guess my appetite has been a little stronger, so maybe that counts. I feel like sitting down and eating a meal more often than just wanting to snack. I'll try to keep an eye on how much I eat, but my weight gain with Abby was very healthy, so I don't think I'll have a problem keeping in the healthy range again. Unless Marti keeps bringing home Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream! Mmmmm! Fudge Brownie Ribbon! Good stuff! Even ABBY ate some! WOW!!!

The zoo was mildly fun. Abby loved the bouncy cage thingie and was eager to try the mini water slide, but it was a little anticlimactic after the long wait. She got to blow some bubbles out of a big tub of bubble mix with an assortment of rings around for the kids to choose from. She enjoyed that.

Surprisingly, she didn't even go into the sprayer fountain area. I guess there were too many kids in there and it was kind of crowded for her liking.

She got to pet a snake and a tortoise, and saw a skink and a tawny frogmouth that looked just like an owl. I didn't bother telling her it wasn't an owl. That would have totally messed with her head at this point. :)

Nothing like getting your face down into the guest bathroom toilet to discover how incredibly disgusting it gets when the bleach cartridge runs out.

For some reason I just puked. It's 4:45 pm, and we can officially mark this as my first morning sickness.

I didn't feel sick leading up to it, but it was a good one. Haha!

I also feel fine now, so I'll stick with my plan of taking Abby to the zoo for the Starlight Safari they have from 6-9pm on Fridays. There are water games and animals, so it should be pretty fun for the "mommy and me" crowd.

Had my first visit to the doctor's office today to see Vicki, her nurse. She went over the usual info and gave me a big bag of mommy-to-be goodies and had 3 tubes of blood drawn for whatever reasons they need it for.

Marti said that if I saw Dr. Newman, to say hi for him, so I did. (Dr. Newman is a friend of his and actually helped push Abby out during my C-section!) He commented that he noticed I was carrying a New OB bag. So THAT'S how the receptionist always knows when to say congratulations!!!

On another note, I heard you can use ovulation predictor kits as a pregnancy test today from some other pregnant moms. Since I am out of pregnancy tests and didn't feel like forking over $15 for a new one (since the dollar store doesn't seem to carry them anymore) I only tested REALLY early, got my positive, and didn't test again after that.

Marti asked if I'd tested since the initial results and I said I hadn't. He only saw the faint line from the "pre-period-due-date" test, so he wanted to be reassured with a nice dark line.

I did the OPK strip and MAN! Was that ever dark! I'd say if what I heard about them is right, then I'm VERY pregnant now. :) That's a good sign that my hormones are kicking in and taking care of this baby.

Went to Diane and Jim's for Memorial Day. Did not want to share the news yet, so I faked them out by drinking margarita mix (sans tequila, of course) to throw them off the scent. Haha! I figure as soon as they see me not having a cocktail, they will get the scent of blood and I will not get a moment's rest from that point forward.

I just really want a relaxing summer, so I will keep this from them for a little while longer. I don't like being doted over, so this is just how it has to be. Marti's family can't help it. It's just in their nature. It's how they show they care. Problem is, I KNOW they care. They don't need to show me every day.

So, for a little while I will be selfish and keep our secret from them.

Woo hoo! We got a positive test this morning. We really didn't expect that. It seems we've been trying with no results. We managed to miss "the day" this month. My temperature dropped yesterday. I was sure it would be a negative result, but took one just for the heck of it. WOW!

I followed up with a digital test just to see for sure since that one says as soon as 4 days before missed period... Yup. No mistaking the result on that test!

I sent Mom a picture on her cell first to see if she could tell what it was. Of course, the picture wasn't that good, but she called me right away anyway. :)

We're heading over to Jim and Diane's today for a pool party. We had planned to stay overnight so we could drink a little. Now I won't be drinking and Diane will know soon. tee hee! Can't wait to see her face. She's had a rough week, what with her uncle Jack passing and everything else. This will be good news to her.

That wasn't a spot was it?

I am waiting to test. I have cramps today and it's too early for period cramps, so I'm hoping for good news in a few days. School will be out on the 25th and I can relax and enjoy a pregnancy, so this time would be perfect. Please, God.

Can I get a do-over? OK, we're going to have to start paying attention here if we're going to do this thing. :)

Still trying, but time to kick it up a notch. We thought we'd give it a try and see if it "just happened," but so far, no luck there. Time to start REALLY monitoring things so we make this happen.

I've actually been writing by hand in a journal for her rather than here now. That way I don't have to leave her alone to run up to the computer to add my thoughts.

She is growing up fast and making all these advances in her little baby world. It's so funny that they say at 4.5 months they make raspberry sounds and she's started her own little version of that right on cue. How do they know it's time? hahaha!

She'll roll over any day now. Then we have to be scared because that's the first step to mobility -- and us chasing her around the house until we chase her out of it some 20 years later. tee hee!!! Time to start baby proofing this place.

She still wakes up peacefully which is the greatest gift! I swear she's done all this before!!! Our little old soul.

Once again, it has been a long time since I wrote anything here. I just walked by Abby's room and Marti had just put her down for a nap not long ago. She was on her back with a leg bent up and wiggling just a little bit as she falls alseep. I just think it's amazing!

Not long ago we couldn't even put her in the crib at night unless she was already asleep. Now we're putting her down when she's wide awake and hoping for a nap.

It's working!

She must be more comfortable and secure now. I'm guessing she's figuring out that we're still here and it's OK to fall alseep because the moment she wakes, we'll be there ready with her next meal. Well, almost instantly, but that, too, is an achievement!

She's getting to the point where she wakes up complaining with little grunty noises, but not wailing like somebody ripped her leg off. She knows it's coming and usually is quite patient about it as long as we are changing her or moving in the direction of the kitchen.

Dear God! She knows what the kitchen is already!!! I just realized that!

Today she was almost hugging her little bunny toy as she was sitting in her swing! It was adorable! I should have taken a picture, but I was too busy enjoying the moment myself.

She's been holding on to things a little more and grabbing smaller toys when we place them on her chest. She pulls the blanket up to her mouth and licks it when she's in her car carrier. Same with the little soft bunny toy. She's definitely exploring with her mouth now.

And so our days go. Little milestones abound.

Long time, no write!

Just found out yesterday that we need daycare for Abby to cover the time between when Marti goes to work and I get off for the day.

I suppose I should have asked about my schedule sooner, but they've always been SO flexible that I really didn't think it was an issue.

So, now I'm trying to find a place at the last minute practically.

I really need this...

Went to get Abby's first portrait done today. Of course I was late, so we had to wait for another appointment. In the mean time, Abby got fussy and messed her diapers and we almost left and rescheduled. However, she managed to settle down and we accomplished the task at hand.

I can't wait to see the results! The poses were too cute! I just hope the pictures came out.

Ok, this is totally ripped off from emails I sent, but it is the whole story about her birth, so I'll just paste what I already wrote instead of reinventing the wheel:

We're home and pooped, but figuring it out as we go. She's now eating like a champ and even keeping some of it down. hahaha! It's disturbing, but I guess normal when they barf it up sometimes. No pictures of that fortunately. ;)

I didn't include the C-section pics on the picture page, but if you want to see the gory details, just email and I'll send you the link to those. Marti took 2 pictures over the curtain and then had to sit down. hahaha!!!

As for labor - that was AWFUL!!!! I started contractions at about 12:30 AM Thursday (Wednesday night) and went to the hospital around 7:30 PM Thursday because I thought my water broke. Well, it didn't quite break like in the movies, so I wasn't sure, but I have a "condition" (GBS) and I needed to have antibiotics if it did break, so we went in to play it safe. My contractions were still not regular or close enough to be in the hospital, but with the GBS, they took me in and hooked me up to an IV anyway.

The nurse said I wasn't really dilated much, but with some manual manipulation, she got that process started and got me from 1 to 3 in about 5 seconds. Um, OUCH!!!!!!!!!!! (But thanks for not just sending me home, too!)

About 2 AM I finally got an epidural and that basically stopped labor for all intents and purposes and then we started up again a few hours later. Still, my contractions were not regular or close enough, but I was making some progress, albeit slow progress. They gave me Pitocin to try to help, but had to keep turning it off because it looked like it was stressing the baby. It took HOURS to go from 5 cm to 6 cm!!!! My doctor was recommending a C-section but I didn't want that, so we continued with close monitoring of me and the baby.

Finally at about 3 PM on Friday, I'd reached the magic 10 cm and was allowed to push. Apparently I was pushing well according to the doctor and nurse (although I couldn't feel a THING!). However, the baby would not budge an inch. Well, not like they measure downward movement in inches, but you get the picture.

After close to an hour and a half of pushing, she still had not changed her position and her heart rate looked like it was a little elevated, although still within a safe range. It was time to give up and go into surgery. At 4:30 PM I stopped pushing and she was born via C-section at 4:49 PM!

Had I known then what I know now... hahaha!!! But, hindsight is 20/20, as they say. It was weird to feel all their work as they took her out, yet not really feel a lot of pain. I was given about every drug in the book, but still felt somewhat lucid and did feel a little pain as they tugged and pushed her out. THAT was really weird! Plus, when we got in there and the curtain went up, I looked up at the big light and could see pretty well perfectly a reflection of what they were doing!!!! Mental note to self: DON'T LOOK UP!!!!!! hahaha!!!!

I guess that's pretty much how it all happened. It's good to be home and figuring out how to be parents instead of in the hospital getting poked and prodded every 20 minutes or so. :) Don't get me wrong: we got lots of help and the care was great!!! But it was a little disorienting to not go outside for days, not sleep except for in short stretches for days on end, and to have someone come in to check me or the baby for something every few minutes or so. (OK, so it wasn't really that often, but it seemed like it!)

Like I said, it's good to be home! It was murder just trying to find time to pick up the phone to call anyone while we were there. I honestly just called my grandmother Wednesday!!!! My mom called her for me from the recovery room, but I didn't speak to her at that time. Then I forgot if I even called my dad in CA at all! He assured me that I did, but I don't recall the conversation on delivery day. (Must have been the drugs!)

Marti has been a doll taking care of me, the baby, and running home to take care of the dogs and clean up the house while I was still stuck in the hospital. I don't know how those single moms do it on their own. He just made me something to eat, so I'm going to go eat like a good little patient now. :)

Went to the pediatrician today and Abby's gaining weight back, so that's great! She got her foot stuck for the PKU test and HATED IT!

Dr. Caplan told me that if she hadn't latched on and nursed yet, we may not be able to, and if we do manage it, it will be hard since so much time had gone by already. She sent us right over to the hospital to see the lactation consultants.

I was not too optimistic, as I'd seen 2 already in the hospital and every nurse in the place did their part in trying to get that baby to latch. However, this lady had a little trick up her sleeve that worked great to get us over that hump.

Nipple shield. It's basically like a bottle nipple that hooks on and "tricks" the baby into thinking she's at the bottle instead of the breast. Eventually we wean her off the shield and she nurses like any other baby.

Or, at least that's the plan. We'll see how it goes.

For now, she's pretty much nursing like a champ and I'm happy about that.

Well, except for the part where I have to nurse THEN still pump when she's done! It's like twice the work now, but it's better than nothing. Plus we'll have all that extra milk for when Marti wants to feed her or if we're out and about.

Short version:

Abigail Rose Harris born 10/14/05 at 4:49 PM. She was 7 pounds, 8 ounces and 20 3/4 inches long.

Labor started some time after midnight on the 13th and continued until about 4 PM on the 14th for a total of close to 40 hours of labor.

After all that, she wouldn't budge down the birth canal even after close to an hour and a half of pushing. She was born by C-section Friday night and so the next chapter in our lives began...

I'll write more later. For now I'm exhausted and we're trying to get a system down at home to care for her.

The nurses at the hospital were incredible, but now we're on our own.

Marti has been phenomenal!! He's taking care of me, the baby, and had been running home to take care of the dogs and get the house ready as well. I knew he was great before, but he's outdone himself now!

First things first: DON'T CALL US TODAY!!!!

I have been cramping pretty regularly since around 12 or 1 in the morning. At 4 AM I took a shower and that felt good, but they still continued after that until they were 15 minutes apart at 8 AM.

Now that I'm sitting up, I've had one, but not on schedule like when I was laying down, so I'm not sure if this means it was false labor or if it's just the calm before the storm. I have a feeling it will be today or tonight.

Marti took the dogs for a walk so they will be set for the day if we need to leave. (They still have thier doggie door!!) He was going to leave his phone charging while they walked. I refrained from giving him the "ARE YOU FREAKIN' CRAZY" look and suggested he charge it when he gets home and keep it with him on the walk in case my water breaks.

Stay tuned...

We had a little scare earlier today just as I was getting ready to leave to go get Shelley at the airport. I got all crampy and wasn't sure if it was labor starting or not. It was bad timing because it was TIME TO GO and it made it difficult to "wait it out" knowing people would either be waiting for me or stranded without a ride. However, chances were it wasn't the real thing, so I didn't want to panic and have them call a cab right off the bat either.

It turned out to be a false alarm and I made it through the rest of the night (so far) with no further incident except I seem to be a little tired and turning inward. I am going to bed in case I need the rest tomorrow morning in case things get moving.