Buzz Kill

I feel like such a buzz kill lately.

I am pretty sure I'm in a full blown depression, albeit doing my best to "suck it up."

I called in sick to work last Monday with "stomach issues" and also because I was feeling wobbly. OK, that sounds weak, but here's the scoop. Possible TMI warning, so be warned. I had a gurgly stomach, so I was afraid of what was coming. Also, I had severe cramps in my abdomen, so I thought maybe I had just eaten something bad. There was never any "fall out" so to speak, but the threat, along with feeling like I was going to fall over really had me wanting to just go back to bed for the day. -- And I did, for 99% of the day and night until I had to go to work the next morning.

So, that was last week.

This week, more of the same wobbly stuff. I hang on with both hands when going up and down the stairs at work -- which is often lately, so it SUCKS! I'm constantly bracing myself when I stand up or try to sit. I've caught myself dragging my feet (literally) at work and in the parking lot on my way to my car.

This has only been in the last couple of weeks, so in that sense, I wonder what's the deal? Or am I really THAT tired? Am I really THAT depressed about everything? Or is it a hypochondriac gene - that I thought I did NOT inherit from my father - rearing its ugly head?

Perhaps it's a sign. I've been very sad about the impending decision that Marti and I have to make. Will we or will we not try for another child. All signs point to the latter. Especially since our biggest argument AGAINST trying is that we are so tired. Is this God just making it easier for me to seal the deal and walk away? If so, why is this not COMFORTING to me? Why am I even MORE depressed now?

I have a feeling that it's just depression that is making me lack even the most basic level of energy to get through my days. That is what must be causing me to drag ass through my days.

The problem I have is that it has usually passed on its own in less time than this. So, is this sadness mixed with depression? I understand there is a difference. I mean, it's logical to be sad about certain things that happen. But what about when those things don't have a logical end? (Say, like, infertility, or family size not being what you always imagined it being?) How do you just get over it?

I know someone indirectly that has stated that she's OK with how things have similarly turned out for her. I desperately want to ask her advice on how to find peace with this. I, unfortunately, do not know her well enough to ask such a personal question. Also, I would feel like an idiot asking, since I have my one child and she has none at this point. I do understand that, while the situations are similar, they are infinitely different. Never has one been such a big number.

And yet, I know someone with two children that I know must be feeling the same pain that I am for different reasons. Who am I to disregard her sadness because she has two and I have only one? I will not. I cannot.

Another friend tried to get me to join a book club last year. I borrowed one book that was pretty good, but did not make it to that meeting. I bought the next book and thought it was a huge waste. However, at this point in my life, the one tiny message I took from that book helps me when seeing each of these amazing women around me - each in their own set of circumstances. What I took from the book was that, no matter what you are dealing with, it is YOUR reality. You are feeling YOUR feelings about it. It doesn't matter if someone has had it better or worse than you. Your feelings are justified, as are those of the people around you. I try to keep that in mind when questioning the reactions of myself or those around me.

My problem now is questioning MYSELF. Any decisions I make at this point will be final, and I am not sure I'm ready for that. The problem is, I don't have time to hem and haw about this. And, in all reality, the decision could already have been made for me and I just don't know it yet. Perhaps by refraining from TTC, I am saving myself that trouble of yet another miscarriage.

I don't know.

What I do know is that I'm spent. I'm just spent.