Oh. My. God.

I should just make a standing alert at the top of this page that says posts may contain disgusting material. (hint, hint!) I don't know why I'm compelled to write about it. I just do. Don't read this if you have recently eaten, are about to eat, or ever want to eat again.

Yesterday on the way home, I thought about grabbing Abby and driving out to see my mom instead of going straight home. I am SO glad I did not do that!

As I walked in the front door to my home, I was hit in the face with a very strong dog shit smell. My dogs NEVER do that and have free access to the yard, so I was perplexed to say the least.

I walked in and did a quick scan and couldn't locate it. I told Abby we had to find the poo poo and we split up, each hunting for it in different rooms. Lucky Abby: she found it! Not so lucky mommy: I got to clean it up!

I was hungry when I picked Abby up, but hunger gladly took a back seat to the task at hand. It was the most disgusting mess I have cleaned up in all my life -- hands down! So, I took one quick picture for Marti so he would appreciate what I did with my night and understand why it took literally ALL NIGHT to clean it up.

I made Abby go upstairs and play while I cleaned so I didn't have to run the risk of her stepping in anything. Without realizing how long this was going to take, all I thought was, "dinner is MOST CERTAINLY going to have to wait!"

Luckily, it was a VERY windy day, so after donning rubber gloves for an initial wipe up and opening all the doors and windows, the smell went away pretty quickly.

So, just to give you an idea of what I was dealing with, here's the graphic description. Maybe I just want sympathy for having had to deal with it. There was no way NOT to clean this mess up and there was nobody to help me. It sucked. Anyway, you know about the smell. BUT, what Abby found was not your average, everyday turd on the floor. What she found was a SPLAT on the floor of epic proportions. It looked like a puke you'd see at a frat party - off a balcony -- three stories up. And it doesn't stop there. It was ON. THE. SOFA!!!!!! Yes, folks, it was on the sofa! It looked like it started on the sofa and sort of spilled over the edge onto the tile.

And like I said, it was a splat. It must have been nearly 2 feet in diameter with splatter pattern a good 5 feet away. The splat was quite liquid when it happened, evidenced by the juices that flowed OUT of the splat and under the sofa/across the room via the convenient groutline juicy-juice highways.

I took the leather sofa cushion outside and realized there was good old fashioned vomit all over the patio. I hosed it down, and then did the same to the sofa cushion, followed by a good scrubbing with a stiff brush and copious amounts of bleach spray. Remember that windy day thing? Yup. Loving the windy day thing when I have a now wet leather sofa cushion in my back yard. It was surely clean now, but how was it going to look once it dried? It would dry soon enough in this wind!

Back inside to face the demon.

At first I didn't want to use my Hoover on it for fear of fouling my beloved floor scrubber, but there was nothing else to do. I was not getting on my hands and knees in the middle of that splatter pattern. I just couldn't stomach it. So, I told my beloved Hoover he was just going to have to take one for the team.

I "scrubbed and mopped" the floor THREE times. And you need to understand that I'm not a germophobe! THAT'S how bad it was!!!!

In the end, I was still never sure whether it was vomit or feces I was cleaning up. My nose told me it was feces, but my eyes said VOMIT!!!! Maybe one of my dogs ate shit and realized that was, uh, GROSS and threw it up? Maybe one dog happily ate shit and the other vomited at the thought of it? (ha ha!) Maybe one of my dogs threw up so hard that she threw up shit? Maybe one of my dogs was hit with sudden explosive nausea and diarrhea at the same exact moment.

I don't know. Maybe I don't want to know. All I know is that it's gone now and if this is all I have to want sympathy for in my life, then things can't be that bad, can they? :)