Broken Dreams

Men, consider yourself warned. While not at all graphic, this one is about female functions and baby making!

Without getting too much into the gory details, I thought there might be a chance I could have gotten pregnant this month! Well, that was short lived, and I see the signs that I thought meant my cycle was off have changed back into the normal range and I'm probably still waiting to ovulate. (Side note for those that don't know: I take my temperature almost every day and unfortunately chart to avoid getting pregnant now, when that started as a way to try to GET pregnant.)

Marti is a typical guy in that he doesn't always listen very well. I showed him an ovulation monitor gadget this weekend that indicated I would probably ovulate soon. Then, that night he asked what day I was on, to which I replied, "7 or 8." Well, turns out I was really at the end of day 9 (I couldn't remember on the fly like that and underestimated), so really, I was sneaking up on that magical "day 14" that hopeful mommies live for! The next day he said he thought I said "4 or 5" rather than "7 or 8" when he had asked! HUH!?!?!?! Because it interfered with a trip we were taking last weekend, he knew when I started my last period as much as I knew when it was, and he's even better with numbers than I am!

Also, the very next day my temperature was elevated, so I thought that was going to indicate I ovulated early this month. Alas, that was just a fluke and I'm back within normal range again. :(

I was so excited at the possibility of trying and really enjoyed considering it for those couple of days that it seemed like it could be a real possibility! Dang it!

I even imagined giggling with another little girl someday about how she got here. Of course, the little girl would be grown up and we'd be sharing a bottle of wine by the time I'd share THIS kind of story with her! Ha ha! It would have started with, "Your dad doesn't listen very well..."

Anyway, it was all just stupid me hoping and now I know it's not going to be true. As much as it bums me out, I guess it was fun while it lasted.

I often think about how I deal with NOT getting pregnant now and sometimes get additional insight into what I feel that maybe I hadn't THOUGHT yet. One of my latest thoughts was in relation to Abby playing. When it's time to go, we need to tell her she has a couple more minutes or else she gets upset. I GET this. She wants to finish what she started or have a chance to do something she hadn't gotten around to doing yet, and THEN leave. If we give her a heads up that we're leaving soon, things go MUCH easier!!!

This is kind of how I feel. I think I would let go of all of this if I had a chance to try this one more time before just walking away. We wanted two kids. Last time I got pregnant would have been our second kid, but that didn't work out. After that, I always thought we'd try for another one -- and to some degree we sort of tried, but it was always half-assed. It was half-assed because with my job and the insurance situation, things didn't align perfectly. At the time, I was sort of OK with half-assing it because I always thought that there would BE a time to give it my all later. When Marti finally said he was tired and decided we were done, I didn't have a say in it. I respect his wishes, as I would expect him to if I didn't want another one, but it ultimately is not my choice.

So, when this happy accident almost happened, I took it as my last chance. If I got pregnant and lost another one, I would at least have gotten that "two minute warning" and made the most of it. I never got to say, "This is the last one" before I was taken out of it.

Just for the record: I'm still not over this. I deal with it better now because I find the positive things about having just one, but I still long for one more.